Egg Breakers (Chapter 1 - 18)

Egg Breakers, by DArchivist

Fetishes: Ballbusting, Trampling, Socks, Dirty Feet, Victory Posing.

(Completed on December 23, 2019)

Chapter 1

“Smell it! Smell my foot!”

She twisted my arm, grinding her foot in my face as I jerked around.

“Smell it and it’ll all be over!”

I gave a quick sniff and started gagging.

She couldn’t stop laughing as she released my arm.

I rolled away and leaped in front of the TV. “That wasn’t fair! You faked a kick to my groin and—”

“It’s just practice. Even a little white belt could’ve escaped that one.”

I tightened my green belt and threw a few punches in my sister’s direction.

“Just because you earned the next belt doesn’t mean you actually got better.”

“Did you see how cool I looked?”

“Yeah, real cool.” Lizzie rolled her eyes. “But you can’t wear it all day and night!”

“Watch me.” I would never take it off in a million years.

I launched lightning-fast kicks in the air, then unleashed an awesome kick towards her.

“How long did it take you to get your black belt again?”

She swatted away my leg. “You still have a long way to go, sensei squirt.”

I threw another kick at her.

Lizzie plopped on the couch. “I think that’s all for today, squirt.”

“But sensei says practice makes perfect.”

“Get out of my way. I’m trying to watch TV before mom gets home.”

“You know you’re not supposed to be watching that!”

“Shut up!” She threw a pillow at me.

I punched it out of the air.

“Go to your room and practice up there.”

I took a long bow in her direction, then picked up the pillow and gave her a smirk.

“Don’t you dare!”

I crouched down, prepared to run. “But mom wants pillows on the couch, not the floor!” I aimed right for her face.

“You little weasel, I’ll get you for that!”

I laughed as I sprinted to my room, locking the door behind me. I grabbed my lucky yellow belt off the dresser and tied it around the doorknob. No way she’s getting through that.

My pillow stared back at me, and I imagined it was my sister’s face. I gave it a one-two punch, then leaped on my bed and kicked the pillow to the floor. She would kill me if I actually did that, and mom would probably pull my ear off too!

I tossed my pillow back into position and dove onto it. Wow, what a workout. Becoming a karate master was hard work.

Mom woke me up by knocking.

“Dinner!” The doorknob jiggled. “And how many times do I have to tell you, don’t lock this door!”

“Lizzie was attacking me! She was watching that show she wasn’t supposed to! I told her!”

Mom jiggled the doorknob again. “Dinner’s ready. Come on!”

I rolled off my bed and untangled my yellow-belt lock, then wrapped it around my head and headed for the table.

Lizzie burst out laughing when I turned the corner. “What’s that on your head?”

“Don’t you know a karate master when you see one?” I bowed towards mom, then threw a punch at Lizzie and sat down. “What’s for dinner?”

“Your favorite.” Mom finished putting some chicken on my plate. “We’re so proud of you for getting your belt today.”

I spun out of my seat and bowed again.

“Masters don’t bow to everyone,” Lizzie said.

“Well this one does.” I tightened my green belt, then threw a kick at her, hurting my toe on the table.

“Sit down now!” Mom angrily stared at the drinks almost splashing out of the cups.

“Lizzie made me do it.”

“Stop blaming Lizzie and eat your food.”

I grabbed a chicken leg, giving Lizzie a smirk across the table. “You know, this leg looks a lot like Lizzie’s foot.”

She kicked me and I jumped, banging into the table again.

“Josh! Enough!” Mom slammed her fork down.

“But she—”

“But nothing. Eat your food.”

Lizzie was smirking across the table. I would have to give my pillow a few extra punches tonight.

“Mom,” Lizzie said, “can me and Tony go out tonight?”

“Where?”

“Pike’s Peak.”

“You know I don’t like—”

“But it’s our one month anniversary, and he said it’ll be special.”

I reached over and grabbed the gravy. “One month? Wow, your longest boyfriend yet!”

She kicked me under the table.

“Josh!” Mom ripped the gravy out of my hands and poured some onto my mashed potatoes. “Stop making a mess.”

“But—”

She yanked the yellow belt off my head. “No more roughhousing at the table. Clear?”

“Yeah. Is that clear, master?” Lizzie giggled.

“But…” I sat down. “Yes, mom.”

Mom placed my yellow belt on the back of Lizzie’s chair. “Sure, you can go. But don’t stay out late.”

I smashed my fork into my mashed potatoes. Stupid Lizzie, always getting me in trouble.

Lizzie blasted through her food, then gave mom a kiss. “Bye, squirt.”

She tried to kiss my forehead but I masterfully dodged. “Ew, keep your germs to yourself!”

She rubbed my hair and ran for the door as I looked across the table, staring at my yellow belt.

“Mom, thank you for the delicious food. Can the karate master now go up to his room to master even more karate?” I bowed in mom’s direction.

“Finish your plate, then only for a little.”

I wolfed the food down, grabbed my belt, tied it around my head, and headed straight for Lizzie’s room.

I closed the door, silent as a mouse. I took my yellow belt and tied it around the doorknob, then looked around for something, anything.

I hid her favorite pen, but not before using it to scribble a mustache on her boyfriend’s picture. I scrambled stuff inside her desk, and even farted on her pillow.

As I headed towards the door to make my escape, I spotted her dirty clothes on the floor.

I grabbed her black belt off the hanger, putting it on as I opened her laundry basket.

Practice makes perfect!

I picked up her pants, then dropped it and karate kicked it with the skill of a black-belt master.

Score!

I balled up her shirt, threw it in the air and punched it.

Score!

I pinched my nose while picking up her dirty sock. Woof, I can’t believe she wears these things! I wondered if it smelled like her disgusting foot. I gave it a sniff and gagged.

After dropping it, I kicked it across the room.

Huge miss.

I grabbed her other sock. How do you get a sock so dirty? Probably walked outside in them to get the mail. Mom always tells her not to do that.

I tightened my new black belt, preparing for the best kick of all time.

“Josh!” I jumped. “Bed time!”

I threw the sock into the laundry basket and slammed it shut.

As I closed the closet door to leave no trace, I noticed the sock that missed. I stuffed the sock into my pocket. Perfect! She’ll think a gremlin ate it.

Tying my yellow belt back on my head, I snuck into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Mission success!

“How was practice?” mom asked as she stood in the doorway.

“Great, mom. Just great.”

Tomorrow, Lizzie would probably be walking around with one sock on all day with the mustached freak.

Chapter 2

I woke up and checked my belt—still green.

In my dream I had my black belt on, karate chopping my way through hundreds of bad guys, unleashing sweet kicks left and right—nobody could stand a chance. And at the end, my fist was heading right for Lizzie’s face.

What a great dream, too bad it ended.

I pulled her dirty sock out of my pocket. I had to hide it where she would never find it. Where would a gremlin hide things? I stuffed it under my pillow, then gave it a few punches for good measure.

As I turned the corner, Lizzie was already eating cereal, and my plate of scrambled eggs was in its usual spot.

I bowed towards mom. “The master has arrived for breakfast.”

Mom nodded, and continued washing dishes.

I sat down and peeked under the table. Two socks. Damn.

“Like what you see?” Lizzie wiggled her toes.

“Ew! No!” I jerked up and ate some eggs. “I just thought I saw a chicken leg down there.”

Lizzie kicked me. I kicked her back before mom turned around.

“Mom, these eggs are delicious, just what a master needs.” I took another bite. “Is Lizzie going to be watching me again?”

“Yes, after karate practice.” Mom turned to Lizzie. “And no more watching that show. I told you how many times already.”

Lizzie glared at me. “Did a little weasel tell you?”

“I know everything that happens in this house.”

“Yeah,” I smirked, “she knows everything that happens in this house.”

I moved my leg just in time to dodge her filthy foot from touching me, then brought my plate to the sink. “I’m going to go practice in my room.”

I ducked out of there before I would get the usual speech about how important it is to brush before school, but I overheard her telling Lizzie for the thousandth time. Serves her right. I grabbed a pillow and punched it onto the other couch as I made my way upstairs.

A few minutes into practice, Lizzie stormed in. “Were you in my room!?”

“When? I’ve lived in this house my entire life. I’ve been in all the rooms!”

I was mid-kick when she grabbed my leg and threw me on the bed. “Last night, you little weasel.”

“Nope. Why would I do that?”

I tried using my green-belt escape techniques, but she smacked my hand away, rolled me over, and locked my arm behind my back.

“Ow!” I struggled. “You’re hurting me!”

She dug her knee harder into my back. “You know what happens to little squirts who go where they don’t belong?”

I tried rolling over, but she pressed my cheek hard against the bed.

“You’re so going to get it tonight.”

“Mom! Lizzie just hurt me!”

“Brush your teeth,” mom yelled from downstairs as Lizzie let me go. “You’re going to be late!”

She stomped out of my room as I smashed the pillow off my bed while rubbing my arm.

I couldn’t wait for tonight.

* * *

Mom dropped me off from karate practice. I was pooped. I even asked sensei to show me some secret moves to use on way harder opponents—I couldn’t wait to practice them on a live target.

“I should be back before bedtime,” mom said. “Listen to Lizzie.”

I bowed towards mom, waved, then ran inside and held my breath.

“Is that my little green belt?” Lizzie asked as soon as the door closed.

I knocked Lizzie’s rancid sneakers off the shoe rack as I placed mine neatly.

“I have a surprise for you.”

I tightened my belt and turned the corner, ready to practice my moves on her face. My jaw dropped as I saw the greatest action figure ever. “Is that…”

“Yep.”

“Where…” I ran over and fell to my knees. “Where did you get that?”

“Well, you said you wanted one for your birthday.” She smiled. “So me and Tony got it last night.”

“I thought they were all sold out!” I picked up the box like it was the most delicate thing in the world. “Did I ever tell you you’re the best sister in the world?”

“Maybe.” She leaned over and pointed to her cheek.

I gave her a kiss and a huge hug. “Can I open it now?”

“Nope.” She plopped on the couch and turned on the same show as yesterday. “I have to return it.”

“Return it! Are you crazy!? You can’t return the greatest action figure ever!”

“Well, Mr. Mustache needs a dumb doll for his brother.” She kicked her feet up and rested them on the couch pillow.

I felt my blood boiling. I ripped the pillow out from under her foot and was about to smash her with it.

“But there’s one way you could get it.”

I gripped the pillow. “Anything!”

“If you can beat me in a sparring match, I might be able to convince Mr. Mustache his brother doesn’t need it.”

“Deal!” I threw the pillow in the air and did a spin kick, launching it onto the other couch.

Lizzie rolled off the couch as I tightened my belt. “Maybe you want to go upstairs and wear that ridiculous yellow belt on your head. It might help you stand a chance.”

As she bent over to pick up the box, I so wanted to unleash a secret move on her back—but sensei said there’s always honor in fighting fair!

“You look a little nervous,” she said as she walked over to the TV and dangled the box high in the air.

“I’m not, you are!”

She dropped the box. I ran towards the TV and tripped, hitting the ground hard, and expected to hear my dreams crash into a million pieces. When I didn’t hear anything, I opened my eyes and looked up.

“Lost your footing, squirt?” She had caught the box in midair, and placed it down gently.

I gripped the carpet in my fists. “I knew you would catch it. I was just seeing how you would react.”

Lizzie giggled and nodded as I stood back up, then got into her defensive stance.

I got into the new secret stance sensei taught me. There’s no way it would lose to her.

She just giggled again, taking two steps towards me.

I kicked at her, expecting her to dodge like always, but it actually hit! “Looks like you’re rusty!” I hit her other leg. “Maybe you’ve been spending too much time with that loser boyfriend and not enough time training to become a master like me!” I kicked her a third time as she stepped back.

I was already thinking multiple moves ahead, just like sensei taught me. This time, I wouldn’t let her escape.

I threw a punch towards her body. She moved—just as me and sensei trained. Time to go in for the kill. The present was as good as mine! I watched her dodge—the opening I was waiting for. I released the secret move—I spun, aiming right for her head.

My kick hit air. She was gone.

Next thing I knew, I was staring at the ceiling. She came walking into my view.

“Give up yet, weasel?”

How did the move fail? Sensei told me it always works!

“Did little green belt think that would work on me?” She pressed her foot on my chest. I grabbed her leg and tried to move it—it was as solid as a tree trunk. “That move leaves your legs wide open.”

“You only dodged it because I’m tired! I had lots of practice today!”

“Not enough!” She giggled as she moved her foot higher up my chest. “Give up?”

I pushed against her leg. “Please don’t give it away, Lizzie.”

“Did these little chicken legs just beat you?” Her foot slid a little higher.

“Please don’t give it away…”

“Did you move my shoes again?” She wiggled her toes on my neck.

“I’ll move them back!”

“Good weasel.” She used my chest as a step and grabbed the box, then stepped on my stomach as she headed for the couch.

“You only won because my belt was loose.”

“Whatever you say.” She kicked a pillow off the couch, I knocked it out of the air. “Need to rest?”

“Not on your disgusting foot-pillow!”

I grabbed the pillow as I stood up, and aimed right for her face. She lifted the box, using it as a shield.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Now be a good little brother and put that back under my feet.”

I threw it on the ground. Mom is definitely going to hear about this when she gets home.

After running into my room, I buried my head in my pillow and screamed, then threw it against the wall. I kicked the crap out of the pillow, imagining it was her and her stupid boyfriend. His brother was going to steal my gift!

As I placed my pillow back on the bed, I noticed Lizzie’s sock was missing.

I gave my pillow a sniff, and it smelled like Lizzie’s atrocious foot-pillow. Good thing mom found the sock and did the laundry—hopefully it’s not permanently stained.

I threw the pillow back on the floor as I plotted my revenge.

Chapter 3

I turned the corner to find eggs in my usual spot—and that no-good toy-stealing sister too.

I bowed towards mom and took a seat. Mom never even turned her back from the sink.

“No good morning today?”

“No, mom.” I glared at Lizzie, expecting a kick—it never came. “It’s a horrible day.”

She just kept lifting that spoon to her stupid face. And drinking that glass showing her stupid teeth. And clinking the spoon in the stupid bowl. She’s the worst.

“Did you sleep real stiff, like a doll?” Lizzie clinked the spoon again.

I smashed my eggs, wishing that was her face. “No, dear sister. I just had nightmares about that show. You know the one.”

“Lizzie!” Mom flung the towel over her shoulder and sat down with us. “No more TV for a week.”

One final clink from her spoon. I gave her my biggest grin.

“Okay, mother. I wasn’t going to watch TV anyway.” Lizzie glared at me as if she was staring through my soul.

I stared back, smashing more eggs. “You can’t go two seconds without watching!”

“It’s my loving brother’s birthday. How can I watch TV on a day like that?”

My eyes never left hers.

“What a great sister, isn’t she?” Mom patted my arm.

“Yeah, just great.” I stabbed the fork into my eggs.

“And that means my little karate master can practice more!”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” mom said, “Lizzie can help you train all day!” I glared at both of them. “Maybe I should’ve thought of this punishment sooner. I’ll have two karate masters in no time.”

“Great idea, mother.” Lizzie kissed and hugged mom, then tried kissing me, which I dodged, so she rubbed my hair instead. “See you tonight, karate boy.”

After Lizzie left, I gave my eggs one final stab. “Why did you have to do that?”

“Do what?”

“Lizzie. TV. Torture.”

Mom reached over and kissed my forehead. “Because you’ll even have your greatest fan cheering you on today!” She sat back and placed both feet on the table—her pink socks said ‘Number 1 Fan’ along the soles.

“You’re home? Now that’s a great gift!” I kissed mom on my way to the sink. “So why don’t you send Lizzie away. Forever.”

“Did something happen between—”

I ran to my room to get some practice. I tightened my belt, picked up my stinky pillow, and gave it a one-two… nine-ten punch. Maybe if I trained real hard today, mom would make Lizzie go out. I didn’t want her anywhere near me.

“No stupid headband today?”

I punched the pillow at her, she swatted it away as she stepped towards me.

“Little squirt, little squirt. Now what do I do to a little squirt.” She flicked my forehead. “You do know all me and my friends talk about is that show. And if I miss my show,” she towered over me, “little weasels get hurt.”

I tried planting my feet. “Maybe you should’ve listened to mom. She knows everything that goes on in this house!”

“Because of a certain, little, weasel.”

The back of my knees hit the bed. Each time she spoke, she got bigger.

“Maybe one is hiding in here?” She flicked my forehead and I fell on the bed. “Maybe I should stomp it dead!”

I was about to scream for mom when her foot crashed into my stomach. My breath disappeared. The most pain I ever felt.

“I think I got it.” She twisted her foot.

I grabbed her leg, trying to move it. It didn’t budge.

“Kids! It’s time to brush your teeth!”

“Okay, mother!” She squished me as she turned towards the door. “I’ll make sure the birthday boy brushes real good!”

“Did I ever tell you two how great you are together?”

Her foot slid across my chest and pressed down harder. I could barely breathe. “We love you, mom!”

I grabbed at her leg again, but it was already gone. I rolled onto my stomach, groaning into my bed.

“See you after practice, weasel.”

* * *

I told sensei how his secret move didn’t work. He laughed and told me it leaves your legs wide open. Why didn’t he tell me that in the first place? So I had him teach me better moves.

I practiced super hard today. Everyone was trying to go easy on me because it was my birthday, but it just made me train 10 times harder. I won all 3 of my practice matches, and even broke the arm off the training dummy, although that old thing was going to break any day now—but it was probably birthday luck.

“Did you hear your greatest fan cheering for her birthday boy?” mom asked as she was driving.

“Yeah,” I breathed real heavy, “it was embarrassing.”

Mom recreated her cheers again.

“Stop,” I stared out the window, panting, “you’re embarrassing me! Everyone driving can hear you!”

“And now for the fourth win of the day,” mom said in her best announcer voice, “Birthday Boy Joshy Woshy vs. Black Belt Lizzie!”

I gasped. “No. I can’t even move another muscle.”

“Don’t be silly, sweetie. My little karate master can beat any challenger!”

“I said no!”

“Watch your tone with me, young man.” Mom lowered the mirror and looked at me. “Want me to pick up some of your favorite chicken?”

Chicken did sound real good right now. Heck, chicken was great any time.

As we walked into the house, the table was already set for three. Mom complimented Lizzie on what a wonderful daughter she has. I so wanted to kick Lizzie under the table, but I could barely move a muscle as I ate.

“You missed it, Lizzie,” mom said. “The great Joshy Woshy beat all his opponents.”

Lizzie laughed. “Oh did he now?”

I stabbed the fork into the food as hard as I could. “Yeah, but the birthday boy is all tuckered out. I think I’m heading to bed early today.”

“Don’t be silly,” mom said.

“Yeah, Joshy Woshy.”

I kicked at her leg, but hit air.

I pushed my plate away. I was stuffed. Couldn’t take another bite. The fork was getting too heavy.

“The fourth match,” mom started announcing, “the greatest karate master ever! Josh—”

“Stop! You’re embarrassing yourself!”

Mom looked around. “But there’s no drivers here.”

Lizzie finished her plate. “May I be excused, oh great and wonderful mother?”

Mom nodded and watched Lizzie clean all the dishes before heading upstairs.

“Isn’t she just the most wonderful daughter?”

“Yeah, great.” I rolled my eyes, trying to think of a way I could stick it to her, and then it clicked. “Mom, can I watch TV?”

“Weren’t you going to sleep?”

“Changed my mind.” Maybe I could find a way to turn on that show and blame Lizzie. Perfect plan.

“Okay, but not too long. You have to brush your teeth soon!”

I dove onto the couch and turned on the TV. I had a good hour nap until I was woken up.

Mom was making embarrassing trumpet noises and carried Lizzie’s giant tournament trophy over her head. Lizzie walked behind her in her full karate gear—black belt, gi, and even her giant red foot pads.

“In this corner, Black Belt Lizzie! The crowd goes wild!” Mom made more trumpet noises as Lizzie posed near the TV. “And in this corner, Joshy Woshy!”

Lizzie chuckled as I sat up and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

“And the karate master awakes!” Mom held a pretend microphone to my mouth. “How do you think you’ll fare against the amazing, stupendous, absolutely unbeatable Lizzie?”

I smacked mom’s hand away. “Mom, I’m really too tired.”

“Well yeah, you just woke up.” Mom moved the microphone back. “So, what does the great Joshy Woshy say?”

I smacked her hand away again. “I said no.”

Mom gave me a stern look as she leaned in. “There’s your favorite kind of ice cream for the winner.”

My ears perked up. It was the rare kind from when we went on vacation years ago. She must’ve spent a fortune on it.

She shoved the microphone in my face again. “So?”

I grabbed her hand and screamed into it. “And the great Joshy Woshy arrives!”

Mom cheered and clapped. She was loud enough to be an entire crowd. It was like we were in a full stadium of rabid fans.

Lizzie laughed. “Joshy Woshy, who thought of such a ridiculous name?”

Mom wrapped my lucky yellow belt around my head and gave me a huge kiss on the forehead.

I wiped it away as I turned red. “I’ll have you know, a wonderful mother came up with it today.”

“Well then, oh great Joshy Woshy,” Lizzie smirked, “I’m shaking in my boots.”

I got into the other corner and turned around to see mom strutting around with the trophy above her head.

“Round 1. Ding ding ding!”

Lizzie came right for me and kicked me in the stomach. I instantly fell.

“Ouch.” Mom winced. “And Lizzie isn’t holding back.” She booed, then started counting down from 10 like this was pro wrestling.

I gripped the carpet. I couldn’t even see her leg when she kicked. Maybe I was still too tired.

After I stood up, mom cheered.

“Come on, Joshy Woshy, is that all you got?” Lizzie raised her arms and spun to pump up the imaginary crowd.

I kicked her in the butt and she almost fell into the TV.

“And Joshy Woshy lands a perfect blow!” Mom gave me a stern look. “Although he has to watch the furniture.”

Lizzie whipped around. She was fuming. She stepped towards me as I threw kicks and punches, but she knocked every one away like it was nothing. I couldn’t gain any ground.

“And Joshy Woshy has her on the ropes!” Mom laid down on the couch, resting her feet on Lizzie’s foot-pillow. “She can’t even get an attack in!”

Lizzie knocked my last punch away and kicked me in the back of the knee.

I stared at the ceiling until her disgusting foot hovered above me. My eyes couldn’t look away from her filthy sole. How did mom let her walk around like that around the house?

“And Joshy Woshy is down. What will he do?”

Lizzie stomped her foot just as I rolled away.

The next few punches I threw were deflected. Nothing I was doing was working. Maybe I had to get in her head.

“You know, those red pads really make you look like chicken legs.” I made chicken noises as Lizzie’s face turned as red as the pads. Then I threw a punch. It hit her stomach.

“And Joshy Woshy is winning!” Mom made the crowd roar.

I threw a one-two punch and both landed as Lizzie was stepping back. While the crowd was on my side, I knew it was time for my new finishing move.

I felt like I had ten hands I was attacking so fast.

Lizzie was forced back. She jumped onto the couch while mom moved out of the way.

I saw a flash of white. Then I saw another.

“Ouch!” Mom winced. “Good thing those pads will protect his nose!”

Lizzie raised her foot. Time slowed down as she pressed it right into my face. It smelled absolutely awful from sweat. It felt like it was there for minutes, but it was probably a split second. She shoved me backwards and I fell onto my back.

“And the champ is down!”

Lizzie jumped off the couch. Mom got back into her usual spot as Lizzie kicked my ribs.

I dodged and wiggled on my back until my head hit the couch.

Lizzie gave my ribs one final kick, then raised her foot and stomped on my stomach even harder than this morning.

“Ouch! Another stunning blow by Black Belt Lizzie. Is this the end?”

Lizzie raised her disgusting foot. I couldn’t help but stare at her sole as it hovered above me. She stomped on my chest.

I grabbed her chicken legs. Solid as a rock. Wouldn’t budge. I looked at mom. Mom shrugged and moved the foot-pillow behind my head.

“Looks like Joshy Woshy is going to be there a while!” She laughed as she started counting down from 10.

I struggled. All it did was cause Lizzie’s foot to creep higher and higher.

“Four!” Mom looked down at my face and smiled, she really slowed down her counting.

I punched Lizzie’s legs a few times.

“And look at this! Black Belt Lizzie is checking her nails!” Mom laughed and made the crowd cheer. “Joshy Woshy can’t escape!” Then counted incredibly slowly.

I gave punches with both arms, but I was just too exhausted. My arms fell to both sides.

“And it looks like the karate master has given up. How will Lizzie end it?” The crowd cheered.

Lizzie gave my chest a stomp and rested herself on her knee. “I don’t know, maybe the announcer should decide?”

Mom glanced down at me and laughed.

Lizzie scraped her foot off me and dropped her butt onto my stomach, hard, knocking all my air out. I tried lifting her off, but mom pressed her feet into my palms.

“No messing with the winner while I think!” She wiggled her toes.

Lizzie laughed while pinching my cheeks.

“I really thought Joshy Woshy would win. I had ice cream planned and everything.”

Lizzie gave my cheeks a little slap. “Why don’t you use your foot-pillow while you think!”

“What?” Mom laughed, then looked down at me. “Great idea, Lizzie. That would be comfy.” She made the crowd roar as she lifted her other foot.

I stared into the bottom of her pink socks as I struggled.

“And the crowd roars as the number 1 fan enters the ring!” Mom made more cheering noises as they both laughed.

Lizzie scooted up higher, pinning both arms beneath her knees.

Mom lowered her foot onto my nose and cheered louder than before.

“Zero! And Joshy Woshy is down! Lizzie wins!”

I struggled and turned my head to the side, trying to escape.

“Now Joshy Woshy,” Lizzie tried to force my head up, “don’t be a sore loser and take your wonderful birthday present. Yummy mommy feet!”

“That’s your biggest fan right there!” Mom laughed as she rubbed her foot all over my forehead. “Show some appreciation, they cheered for you all day today. I had these socks special-made just for you.”

Both her and Lizzie laughed their butts off. “So how comfortable is it?”

“The best foot-pillow I ever owned.” Mom took her other foot off my hand and pressed it on my mouth. “Built in foot-warmer too!”

I jerked my head to the side and screamed. “Enough!”

Lizzie bounced hard on my stomach. “But the crowd loves it! Give it a good sniff!”

I held my breath and jerked my head. Mom pressed down harder on the side of my face and wiggled her toes.

“How about you give your biggest fan the biggest kiss,” mom lifted her feet off my head, “and then we’ll let you go.”

I continued holding my breath as I jerked my head no. I was getting lightheaded, I couldn’t think straight.

“If you don’t, you’ll have to give the winner your biggest kiss!”

“Sick!” Lizzie leaned back and punched my leg.

“So which is it? Kiss your biggest fan?” Mom made the crowd cheer as she nodded. “Or Lizzie.”

“Lizzie!” I don’t know why I blurted that out.

Lizzie punched my leg again as she bolted up. “Ew, disgusting.”

Mom laughed and made the crowd cheer as she laid back on the couch. She leaned over and held the microphone near my mouth. “Did we hear you right, you said Lizzie?”

I smacked mom’s hand away. “Because I knew she would never do it.”

I smirked at Lizzie as I started to sit up, only to be stomped on the stomach by the chicken leg.

“Well there’s no way you’re kissing me.” She stepped on my chest with both feet. “Unless it’s my foot!”

Mom laughed and clapped. “And the crowd approves!” She moved the microphone to Lizzie’s mouth. “So how does it feel to win?”

“It feels great to finally have Joshy Woshy where he belongs!”

Mom made more cheering noises as Lizzie raised her foot. I tried smacking it away, but mom grabbed both hands and pinned them with her feet. “No messing with the winner’s prize!”

I groaned as my stomach felt like it was going to implode—Lizzie was wiggling, trying to keep her balance. Mom held her hands while looking down at me.

Lizzie mashed her foot on my lips. “Give them a big kiss, Joshy Woshy!”

I screamed as they both laughed.

“Ew! He licked me!” Lizzie yanked her foot away and rubbed it on my chest while mom laughed even harder.

Lizzie ran away upstairs while I rolled over and started wiping the salt and sweat from my mouth. I felt like throwing up.

Mom leaned over and rubbed my back. “Even though you lost, you still have your number 1 fan.”

Chapter 4

Mom was sitting at the table eating with Lizzie already. I sat down and stared at my eggs. I couldn’t look Lizzie in the eyes after what happened yesterday.

I can’t believe mom made me do that—on my birthday too! At least afterwards, mom gave me a giant bowl of ice cream, and the rest of the night went perfect.

Mom poked my sides, and when I looked up, she leaned back and rested her ‘Number 1 Fan’ feet right next to my plate.

“How’s my,” she covered the word ‘Fan’ and wiggled her toes, “karate master?”

I poked at my eggs.

“Not hungry after getting those in your face last night?” Lizzie laughed.

Mom whacked Lizzie lightly with the towel. “Stop making fun of your brother. He did great last night!”

“Great at being our carpet.”

Mom shot Lizzie a glare, then wiggled her toes again. “See my new favorite socks? These will always be cheering for you.”

“Thanks, mom, but could you please put those down?”

“He doesn’t want to be reminded of the smell.” Lizzie giggled. “Remember when you shoved them in his face?”

Mom pulled her feet off the table. “That was all in good fun. I was aiming for my comfy foot-pillow. Although I did get to rest on something more comfortable.” She laughed while I felt sick to my stomach.

I moved eggs around on my plate. “Can I go up to my room and practice?”

“You have to eat a little something, your cousin is coming over today.”

“Jules?” Lizzie’s eyes opened wide.

“Yes,” mom said. “Julia is coming over today, so I want you two to be on your best behavior.”

I grabbed a forkful of eggs and swallowed. Julia and Lizzie always were best friends. Even though Julia was a few years younger, they still sat the same, dressed the same, talked the same. I’ll just lock myself in my room and they won’t bother me.

“Okay, I ate. Can I go practice now?”

Mom looked down at my plate in disappointment, but let me go.

I ran upstairs and started my daily practice. I had to become perfect if I wanted to beat Lizzie—I smashed my pillow with my fastest and most powerful attacks.

I sensed something behind me, so I kicked my leg back.

“Ow!”

I turned around.

“You little weasel. I just came up here to tell you mom wants you.” She rubbed her leg. “How did you know I was here?”

“I have eyes in the back of my head.”

“We’ll see about that.” Lizzie glared at me as she headed into the hallway, probably to go brush her teeth.

I ran down the stairs and whipped around the corner. “What’s so important that it can cut into precious pract—”

A bowl crashed, and ice cream and chocolate sauce got everywhere.

Mom looked down at the floor, fuming. “Joshua! What the hell do you think you’re doing!” She took a step back, trying to avoid shards of bowl, and stepped all over ice cream. “Now look, my favorite socks are ruin—”

“But I—”

“I tried to make you a bowl of your favorite to cheer you up,” she stepped in some chocolate sauce, “but now you’re grounded!”

“But I—”

Mom peeled her socks off and threw them on my chair.

“Now grab me paper towels and help clean this up.”

Lizzie turned the corner with a toothbrush in her mouth. “What was that crash?”

“Your clumsy brother ruined his surprise.”

“I didn’t mean—”

Mom shot me a look. I instantly shut up, then got on my hands and knees to help clean.

“Lizzie, could you take my number 1 socks and get them in the laundry?”

“Anything for my favorite mother.” Lizzie skipped over to the chair and pinched mom’s socks. She held them far away from her. When she walked by, she hovered them in my face. “Remind you of anything?”

“Lizzie! Stop teasing your brother and get that in the laundry!”

I cleaned up the rest of the ice cream. What a waste, that stuff was amazing.

“You are not allowed to leave your room today. And do whatever Lizzie and Julia say while I’m gone. Am I clear?”

“But—”

“Am I clear? Now go brush your teeth, you’re late.”

* * *

As soon as I came home, I instantly ran into my room. I slammed the door, tied my yellow belt around the doorknob, and locked it, then shoved my head into my pillow and screamed.

The doorknob jiggled. “Little brother, you know you’re not supposed to lock the door.” Two pairs of giggling on the other side.

“Leave. Me. Alone!”

“Come on, don’t you want to see your amazing cousin Jules?”

“I said leave. Me. Alone!”

“I haven’t seen you in years,” Julia said. “I promise I just want to say hi, and then we’ll leave.”

I untied my yellow belt, placed it on the dresser, and unlocked the door.

Lizzie pushed right past me and sat on my bed.

“There he is, little Josh.” Julia pinched my cheeks. “Or should I say Joshy Woshy.”

I shot Lizzie a glare as they both laughed.

“Lizzie told me all about your amazing fight.” Julia patted my cheek, then sat next to Lizzie. They both crossed their legs the same.

“He really did do a fantastic job.” Lizzie grabbed my yellow belt and wrapped it around her head. “He even got a few hits on me.”

I rushed over to yank that yellow belt right off, but Julia used her foot to keep me away.

“Now now,” Julia pushed me back, “didn’t your mom tell you you had to listen to whatever we say?”

“You promised to say hi to me and leave.”

“I promise a lot of things.” Julia crossed her legs again.

“This is how it was.” Lizzie put on a goofy face. “I’m Joshy Woshy, I’m a karate master!”

Both of them burst into laughter as I darted towards my belt. “It’s not funny! Now take that off!”

“Okay okay,” Julia pulled the headband off and held it out, “let the loser have his funny headband.”

“Thank you,” I ripped it out of her hands as they walked towards the door, “at least one person listens to me.”

“Meet us downstairs in fifteen minutes, we have a surprise for you.”

“I can’t leave my room.”

Julia turned around. “Fifteen minutes.”

As soon as they left, I put the yellow headband on and looked in the mirror. It really did look incredibly stupid. How could I ever think I could beat Lizzie with that thing on my head? I placed it on the counter and practiced on my pillow until it was time.

As I turned the corner, I saw the greatest action figure next to the TV.

“Surprise!” Julia jumped up and gave me a huge hug.

“Is this some sick joke?”

“No,” Lizzie said, “this one is yours this time.”

“Are you serious?” Julia hung onto me as I dragged her along. I picked the toy up and actually started crying.

“Aww,” Julia pinched my cheeks, “little Joshy Woshy is so happy.”

“Hell yeah I’m happy.” I bent his arms, putting him into a sweet karate pose. “I’ve been waiting years for this, and it’s always out of stock! You two are the best!”

Julia ripped it out of my hands. “But you just have to do one thing for us.”

My heart dropped.

“What is it?” I reached for it, but Julia kept her palm on my forehead.

“Listen to us for the day,” Lizzie said.

“That’s way more than one thing!”

“No it’s not,” Julia said, “plus your mom told you you had to do it. So it’s not like you’re doing anything different.”

I let out a huge exhale. “Do you promise to give me that after?”

“We promise,” they both said at the same time.

“Fine, what do you want?”

“Good Joshy Woshy.” Julia pushed my forehead back, then they both laid on the couch. “I need a glass of water.”

I grumbled under my breath, but got the water. When I came back into the room, I saw that amazing action figure next to the couch, they changed him into this awful pose.

As I handed her the water, Lizzie snapped her fingers. “I need my foot-pillow fluffed!”

I walked over to her. I stared at her feet, but she didn’t budge.

“Now, Joshy Woshy!” They both laughed.

I shoved Lizzie’s feet out of the way and fluffed the stupid pillow.

“And now mine!” Julia snapped her fingers.

“You don’t have one.” I smirked at her.

Lizzie laughed. “Go grab the pillow off your bed!”

“No way! You’re not using it. I sleep on that!”

“You sleep when it smells like that?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I’ve been using it as my foot-pillow ever since you snuck into my room, weasel.”

“That’s why it smelled like a permanent fart?”

They both laughed like they never laughed before.

Lizzie held her sides as her giggles subsided. “So now you’ll have no problems bringing it down for Jules.”

I could have smashed her face so hard then and there. I ran up into my room, ripped the pillow off my bed, and ran back down.

Julia was nowhere to be found. I looked at Lizzie.

“Well? Get to it.” Lizzie said. “Put it in her spot!”

“Where’s Jul—”

An immense pain radiated between my legs as I fell to my knees, face-first into my pillow.

“I guess he doesn’t have eyes in the back of his head.” Julia laughed.

“His eyes probably popped out of his head.” They both roared into laughter as Julia nudged my butt with her foot.

“Are Joshy Woshy’s little ballsies okay?” She laid down on the couch and rested her feet on my head. “Ahh, that’s better. Perfect footrest.”

Lizzie came over and sat on my back. “Can’t let you have all the fun with our new footrest.”

Julia rubbed the back of my head with her foot. “So this is how you used him yesterday?”

“No.” Lizzie kicked me in the ribs. I coughed and collapsed to the floor, holding my side. She stomped on my stomach, making sure to crush my hand. “That’s how I used him yesterday.”

They both laughed again like this was the funniest thing. I grabbed Lizzie’s foot again, but Julia kicked it away.

“No. You have to do what we say.” Julia sat back. “And since I wasn’t here, I want to recreate the epic fight from yesterday.”

“Well first I did this.” Lizzie stomped my stomach. “Then this.” She stomped my chest. “Then this!” She stood on me, completely squishing my guts.

Julia cracked up and grabbed the other foot-pillow. “And then your mom stuck this behind his head?”

Lizzie crushed my guts as she balanced on one foot. “And then I stepped right on his little face.”

Julia sniffed the pillow and gagged. “Don’t you and your mom always rest your feet on this thing?”

Lizzie nudged my nose with her foot. I whipped my head to the side, trying to launch her across the room.

Julia shoved the pillow on my head and slammed her feet onto it. I saw white lights as my entire head rang. My cheek was smashed into the ground and I could barely hear anymore. But I could smell this awful pillow. It definitely smelled like a sick mix of both their feet from last night. I heard the occasional giggle, and felt my guts moving around as Lizzie shifted on each foot.

When the pillow was finally yanked off my head, I was greeted with Julia’s feet smashing into my nose.

“Zero! And Joshy Woshy is down! Jules wins with a kick to the eggs! The crowd goes wild!” Lizzie and Julia cheered louder than mom, then burst into a fit of laughter.

“Now give your biggest fan a big kiss on her perfect feet!”

I was hurting, I wanted my action figure, and I just wanted this to be over with.

I kissed Julia’s foot as they both laughed.

“And the ultimate winner!” Lizzie pressed her disgusting foot onto my lips. “Just don’t lick it again.”

I felt like throwing up, but gave it the tiniest of pecks.

“He licked it?” Julia said. “You didn’t tell me that!”

“Yeah, and he loved it.” Lizzie leaped off of me, landing back on the couch.

As I sat up and coughed, Julia snapped her fingers.

“I need my foot-pillow.”

I rubbed my stomach, coughing, trying to take in the fresh air.

“Now!”

I grabbed my pillow and shoved it under her feet. “Anything else?”

“No, that is all.” Julia waved me away. “You may take your prize.”

As soon as I ran into my room, I slammed the door and locked it this time—I was never unlocking it again—not for Lizzie, not for mom, and definitely not for Julia.

Chapter 5

I turned the corner to be greeted by two devils. They instantly stopped talking as soon as I walked into the kitchen.

“Where’s mom?”

“She decided to sleep in a little more,” Julia said. “She said we had to watch the little brat.”

I knew mom would never use those words—this was going to be a long breakfast. I grabbed a box of cereal, made myself a bowl, and started walking towards the living room.

“Get back in here this instant,” Lizzie said.

I stopped in the doorway and spun around. I glared at Lizzie.

“You know you’re not supposed to eat in there.”

“Well there’s no way I’m staying in here with you two after what you did yesterday.”

“Scrambled eggs?” Julia and Lizzie snickered. “Or gave you an amazing gift?”

I turned around again and took a step before Julia put me in a chokehold.

“Now now, come sit down at the table with your favorite cousin.” She dragged me over to the table. I went to place my bowl down. “Not there!”

Julia dragged me to the back door. Lizzie was outside getting the mail. She looked back at Julia and they both waved to each other.

“Now put your bowl on the ground, and get on your hands and knees.”

“I’m not—”

Julia kicked the back of my knees, making me spill some milk and cereal on the floor, but I placed it down.

Lizzie came through the door, smiling and laughing as she looked through the mail. “Even better than we planned.”

Julia stopped choking me and kicked my back, launching me into the ground. Lizzie stepped with both feet on my back, wiping her filthy socks all over me, then stood with one foot and stared at the bottom of her socks.

“This doormat stinks.” Lizzie stepped right into my bowl of cereal as they both cracked up. “That should help.”

Her toes swirled around, slowly transforming the milk more and more brown with every stir. She giggled as she walked up and down my entire back, even rubbing the back of my head, dripping milk down my neck.

I stared at the dark brown milk in my bowl. Breakfast… absolutely ruined.

Julia picked it up and placed it on the table as Lizzie finally stepped off. “You can get up now, doormat brat.”

They both laughed as I wiped myself off and rushed for the steps, but before I could make it past the table, Lizzie grabbed my arm.

“Sit down with your loving sister.”

“Not hungry.”

“Sit down or Jules is going to play scrambled eggs again.” They both laughed. “Isn’t that what you like to eat every day? Jules will make that dream come true!”

Julia kicked my leg lightly. “I can make some for you if you want.”

“Not hungry.”

“Well you’re not going anywhere.” Lizzie shoved me into my chair as Julia pushed my bowl closer. “Mom always says you need to finish your breakfast.”

I pushed the bowl away, and Lizzie gripped my hair as Julia kicked higher up my leg.

“Okay okay! I’ll sit! I’ll sit!”

“Good Joshy Woshy.” Lizzie rubbed my hair, careful to avoid anywhere near the back of my head.

They both kicked their feet up and rested them on the table. Lizzie’s socks were absolutely filthy.

“So, did you like yesterday?” Lizzie nudged my bowl with her foot.

Maybe if I was nice to them, I could leave. “Yes, the gift was amazing. The best gift ever.”

Julia turned to Lizzie. “Told you he loves scrambled eggs!”

“I should give it to him all the time now!” Lizzie and Julia both cracked up as the table shook.

I tried to not look at them, I just stared into the bowl.

Lizzie nudged it some more with her disgusting foot. “Eat your breakfast.”

“Not. Hungry.”

Julia’s legs disappeared off the table, and then I saw something neon green resting on my chair.

“Are you sure?” Julia wiggled her toes in her neon green socks.

“Just take a spoon of yummy cereal.” Lizzie nudged my bowl closer.

“Or you’ll get another helping of scrambled eggs.” Julia rested her heel on the edge of my chair.

I was about to say I wasn’t hungry, but I didn’t want to get hurt. I just wanted to get back to my room. I should have never come downstairs.

I picked up the spoon.

Lizzie made a sound like she was feeding a little baby. They both laughed as the neon green moved closer.

I dug into the cereal, trying to grab the untouched parts and drain all the dirty brown milk.

They both stared at me with eyes bulging out of their head.

I took a bite and almost threw up. I gagged, and both girls laughed. Lizzie almost fell onto the floor, and the vibrations from Julia’s foot rocked my entire chair. That movement didn’t help. I felt my stomach lurch. I could feel myself turning colors.

“Don’t do it!” Lizzie said.

I tried to swallow.

“Don’t do it!”

I tried to swallow again.

A neon green blur shot between my legs and my insides exploded onto the table as both girls leaped up and screamed.

I tried running away, but my balls had other ideas. I collapsed onto the floor.

“Hurry, clean this up before my mom comes down!” Lizzie said, frantically grabbing paper towels. “Why did you stomp him?”

“I thought it would be funny.” Julia held her nose and gagged as she started cleaning the tile near the door.

I groaned into the floor, then tried getting onto my hands and knees.

Lizzie stepped on my hand as she cleaned the table. I felt my hand completely compress, it felt like it was going to break as she twisted her foot on my fingers and ran for the garbage.

“Get out of the way, doormat.” Julia pressed her foot into my ribs, tipping me over. I slammed onto my side and just held my groin.

Lizzie and Julia whirled around the kitchen making everything spotless when I heard footsteps.

“What was that noise?”

I couldn’t let mom see me like this. I forced myself up and rested against the wall.

“Nothing,” Lizzie said. “Go back to bed, mom!”

Mom burst into the kitchen and I slipped in behind her.

“What happened in here?”

“Oh nothing,” Julia said, “I think he just had a bad case of scrambled eggs.”

I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet as I threw up again.

Many dizzying minutes later, I heard a knock on the door.

“Are you okay in there? Lizzie and Julia explained everything. I already threw all the eggs away. We won’t be having those for a long time.”

“Not feeling well!” I said into the bowl.

“They told me you went outside to get the mail and fell? Are you really that sick? Do I need to call the hospital? Open up!”

I reached for the door handle and opened it. Mom gasped.

“You’re filthy! Why would you walk into the house looking like this?”

I groaned into the bowl.

“Did you roll around in ice cream and chocolate?” She laughed as she pulled off my shirt and threw it into the laundry basket. “By the way, have you seen my number 1 socks? I can’t find them anywhere.”

I groaned into the bowl as she picked up the laundry and rushed for the washing machine.

As soon as she left, I crawled out of the bathroom and into my room. I dragged myself into bed. I smelled my pillow. Smelled completely fresh. Finally.

As I laid my head on my pillow, I heard a crunch. I touched something sticky. I pulled out two ‘Number 1 Fan’ socks with a note attached to them:

“I’m going to make you eat these tonight, little weasel.”

I felt myself turning colors as I scored the socks into my laundry basket. I didn’t want to see anything brown ever again.

Chapter 6

I stayed in bed for the next few days.

Julia was amazingly nice the rest of her time here, and Lizzie also brought me chicken soup, keeping me company while I recovered. I think they felt awful for what happened, but I’m glad Julia was finally gone.

I stumbled down the steps. It felt like I wasn’t downstairs for months.

“There he is,” mom said, “how’s my little Joshy Woshy feeling today? You slept all day.”

“Better. Much better.”

Lizzie turned the corner, holding two cups of hot chocolate. “I thought I heard Joshy Woshy come down.” She smirked at me as she handed mom a cup.

“And look what I found!” Mom held both her feet up. “Lizzie, do the thing!”

Lizzie reached over and covered ‘Fan’.

“My number 1 socks for the number 1 karate master!”

“Number 2.” Lizzie snickered. “He did lose to me, remember?”

“How could I forget?” Mom laughed. “Well, I don’t have Number 2 socks. Maybe I should get those made.”

“Joshy Woshy would love it.”

I tried ignoring them and headed into the kitchen. I opened up the fridge and reached for the eggs. Completely empty. Then I remembered mom threw them all away. What the hell was I supposed to eat?

I saw the milk out of the corner of my eye and instantly slammed the door. Guess I’m not eating breakfast for the rest of my life.

“Is everything okay in here?” mom asked as she walked through the doorway. “Want me to make you anything?”

“I just wanted some food.”

Mom shook a box. “Why don’t you have cereal?”

I leaned against the fridge as I felt myself turning green.

Lizzie turned the corner. “I’ll have some.”

Mom poured a bowl, and Lizzie nudged me out of the way as she opened the fridge and grabbed the milk. She poured it into her cereal, staring at me the entire time.

She took a bite. “You don’t look so good.”

“Do you need this?” Mom ran over with the trash can.

“Mmmm,” Lizzie took another bite, “mom, did you stick something special in this cereal?”

Mom shoved the trash can in my face as I felt myself curling over.

“Because this cereal is delicious. Did you stick chocolate milk in here?”

I ripped the trash out of mom’s hands.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” mom said, “why would you want brown milk in your food?”

“I don’t know.” I could hear Lizzie’s crunching from a mile away. “Josh, do you know?”

Mom patted my back. “I guess he’s still not 100% yet. Let’s go sit back on the couch and watch TV.”

After a few minutes in the kitchen recovering, I scrounged around, but it took forever to find some non-brown food. In the end, I settled on energy bars—I opened it and even made sure there wasn’t the slightest speck of brown in them.

When I walked into the living room, eating one, mom glared at me. “What did I say about food in here?”

“Give him a break, mom,” Lizzie said, clinking her final spoon. “He’s still clearly sick.” She placed her bowl on the table. “And you didn’t say anything to me.”

“Oh, you’re right.” Mom glared at Lizzie. “But definitely no bowls on the table! Get that in the sink!”

Lizzie darted into the kitchen.

“Want to watch TV with us, sweetie?” Mom pulled her feet back and patted the couch.

I sat and ate my energy bar while Lizzie plopped back down, grinding both feet into her foot-pillow.

“Lizzie, can you pass me one of those foot-pillows?”

Lizzie looked over her shoulder, then sat up as she picked up a pillow.

“Catch!”

She whipped it as hard as she could, straight between my legs.

I choked on my food and clutched the pillow, curling over and groaning.

They both laughed while mom nudged her foot in my side. “Oh honey, are you okay? Your face is as red as a tomato.”

“I think he’s turning green again.”

“Lizzie, why did you do that?”

Lizzie smirked at me. “I was trying to get it where it usually goes.”

“Watch your aim next time.” Mom used her feet to slightly pry my leg open and flick the pillow from between my legs. Once she got it laying flat on my lap, she rested her feet on top and wiggled her toes. “Is my number 1 okay?”

My balls ached, but I nodded.

“Well if you’re feeling better, could you give me a number 1 massage?” She bent her foot forward and stretched it as far as it could go. “I was on my feet at work all day today.”

“Do you want to make him sick again?”

“Why?”

“Remember? Announcer? Winner?”

Mom giggled. “I’m not putting them on his face, they’re in his lap!”

“They still smell.” Lizzie laughed.

Mom rested one foot on the other. I groaned as I felt more ache between my legs as she wiggled her toes near my nose. “Joshy Woshy, do they smell?”

I faked a sniff. “Nope.”

“See?” Mom plopped her foot down hard as I groaned again.

“Well maybe he’s lying. He probably likes it.”

“Who wouldn’t love these number 1 feet?” Mom wiggled her toes in my lap and looked at me. “Start massaging please!”

We continued watching TV for hours. Mom fell asleep, so I stopped massaging before the first movie even ended.

Lizzie headed towards the kitchen, then came back with a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup on it. She looked down at my lap and smirked.

“How are the eggs feeling?”

“Fine. Why did you do that?”

“You know exactly why.”

I looked over at mom, still snoring as Lizzie walked over. “Is it because of Julia?”

“I did tell you, there’s still scrambled eggs in this house.” Lizzie lightly pressed the pillow down with her foot. “And did you see mom’s face? Hilarious!”

I shifted my legs slightly, glancing at mom again. I nudged mom’s legs, she didn’t budge.

“You know what?” She clinked the spoon against the bowl and took a bite. “If you don’t want me to hurt your little eggs again, then I need you to do something for me.”

I shook mom’s legs again.

“Remember that little note? I know you saw it.”

I wanted to bolt off the couch, but Lizzie pressed harder with her heel.

“Don’t want to wake your number 1 fan now, do you?” Lizzie took her spoon and dropped some ice cream and chocolate on mom’s sock. “Oops.”

She reached down and pulled that sock off.

“I promise, 10 seconds of sucking on this, and it’ll save you a lifetime of pain in those ballsy wallsies.”

Lizzie shoved it in as soon as I tried to speak. The taste was vile. Mom wore that all day at work today!

I screamed and tried to shake mom awake, but she slept through it like a log.

I choked as Lizzie forced it towards the back of my throat.

When I went to grab Lizzie’s arm, I hit air. I yanked mom’s sock out of my mouth, whipping it onto the floor as I started dry heaving.

Lizzie smirked as she dropped another spoon on mom’s sock.

Mom stirred awake. How was I going to explain this one? I ripped off her other sock and threw it near its twin while Lizzie laid back down, eating her ice cream like nothing happened.

Mom scrunched her toes. “It’s very chilly in here.” She scrunched her toes again. “Where are my favorite socks?”

“Well Lizzie tried to wake you up, but you wouldn’t move, and she spilled some—”

Mom jerked up. “She what!?”

Glaring at her socks, she rolled off the couch.

“And this is why you never eat in the living room! Lizzie. Kitchen. Now!”

Lizzie darted away with her empty bowl as mom picked them up.

“Is this ice cream and chocolate? In my living room?”

“Josh’s favorite!” Lizzie yelled from the kitchen.

“The next person who eats in this living room is going to be eating off these!” Mom shook the socks in my direction. “Is that clear?”

“Crystal!” Lizzie yelled.

Mom shook them in my face. “Is that clear?”

“Yes. Never eating in the living room again.”

“These are my favorite socks too.” Mom stomped her way towards the laundry. “And they’re a magnet for your number 1 food. It’s like you’re asking to be eating off these things!”

Chapter 7

I entered the kitchen this morning and headed straight for the cabinets.

“Good morning, Joshy,” mom said. “Feeling better today?”

I really wished I could eat my favorite breakfast, but I had to settle for these stupid energy bars. I grabbed one and headed for my room.

As soon as I hit the doorway, mom said, “What did I say about eating in there?”

“Yeah,” Lizzie giggled, “want to be eating that off mom’s socks?”

I turned around, took a bite, and sat in my usual spot.

“Although mom wouldn’t really do that, would you mom?”

Mom flicked the towel over her shoulder, sat down, and propped her feet on the table in Lizzie’s direction.

“Do you want to eat off these beautiful yellow socks?”

“Ew, no,” Lizzie said as she pushed mom’s feet off the table. “But Josh might!”

This is where I would normally kick her. Maybe if I didn’t escalate, this wouldn’t get worse. I just continued eating my energy bar.

“What do you think they taste like?” Lizzie had a huge grin on. “Probably clean though, since mom just woke up.”

Mom laughed. “Well I would make sure to punish you right after work.”

I stopped mid-chew. I felt sick.

Lizzie just stared at me with the biggest smirk. “Or maybe you could walk outside to get the mail!”

“Stop giving me great ideas.” Mom laughed again. “But you really should stop doing that. Don’t think I don’t see your laundry. I know everything that goes on in this house!”

“Josh, are you okay?” Lizzie pressed her disgusting foot against my leg. “You’re not looking so good.”

“You’re right.” Mom whipped over to get the trash can. “Want me to cancel practice today?”

“No. I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine,” mom said. “You look like a green tomato.”

“Like yesterday?” Lizzie rested her foot on my chair between my legs.

“That was pretty lucky aim.” Mom giggled. “Although unlucky for my Joshy Woshy.”

I put my energy bar down. I felt sick. “Can I go back to my room?”

Mom nodded. I pulled my chair out and watched Lizzie’s foot slip off and hide under the table silently.

“Don’t forget to bru—”

I was already in the bathroom. Does she really have to remind us after every meal?

I needed to brush quickly, then I might have time for a little practice.

I heard a knock.

“Almost done, mom.”

Louder.

“I said almost done!”

“It’s me,” Lizzie said, “open up.”

I continued brushing.

“You better open this door or your new toy is going to have a tragic accident.”

I opened the door, and Lizzie pushed me out of the way on her way to the sink.

“I knew threats would work with you, squirt.” She flicked my forehead. “So did you like breakfast?”

I finished brushing and rinsed my mouth.

“I’ll have you eating her socks again in no time.” She laughed as she stuck her toothbrush in her mouth.

* * *

I practiced in my room today. Luckily no interruptions. Karate practice went fantastic too. Sensei taught us all about how to avoid groin strikes—sounded like it would be real handy since Julia visited.

I walked into the house and placed my backpack down.

It was oddly silent.

I looked around the house, and no trace of Lizzie. Finally, maybe she went out with Mr. Mustache. A day of peace.

I rushed into the kitchen and wolfed down a few energy bars. I really was getting sick of these things, maybe I could tell mom to buy some fruits.

I plopped down on the couch and flipped on the TV. I needed a good laugh tonight, so I flicked it to the horrible show Lizzie watches.

The greatest commercial of all time was on. I copied all the moves, I had them memorized.

But when I went for the flipping spin kick, the energy bar flew out of my hands, falling between the couch cushions. I ran over, pulled open the couch, but it was gone—all that was left was crumbs.

I checked everywhere—below, over, around—but the energy bar disappeared into thin air. Did a gremlin take it?

I picked up all the crumbs, ran to the kitchen, and threw them away.

When I returned, the awful show was back on—how does she watch this crap?

I turned off the TV and went to my room. I had to practice my moves with the real thing!

As I turned the corner, my stomach dropped. It was gone. I frantically searched every nook and cranny. Gone.

There’s only one place it could be…

I rushed into Lizzie’s room and opened her closet. There he was in a stupid pose again.

“What the fuck are you doing, weasel?”

The action figure nearly flew out of my hands as I whipped around.

“Looking through my dirty clothes? I knew you were a sick freak. Wait til Jules hears about this.”

I tried barging past her, but she stood in my way like a brick wall.

She flicked my forehead. “Little weasels don’t get to escape that easily.”

“Just let me leave.”

“Why, so you could sniff my dirty socks in your room? Don’t think I didn’t see under your pillow.”

“That was—”

“Sick? I know.” She towered over me again.

“Why did you take this out of my room?” The back of my knees hit the bed.

“Because I take,” she ripped the toy away, “what I want.” She flicked my forehead until I fell backwards.

“Just give it back. It’s mine.”

“I don’t think so.” She rested her foot on the edge of her bed between my legs. “I think it’s mine now. I like his stupid poses.”

I tried snatching it back, but she slammed her foot into my chest.

“Now listen here, you little weasel. If I catch you in my room again.” She stomped my stomach, grinding her heel in. “I’ll be stomping a little lower.”

I grabbed her leg—didn’t budge, like usual.

“Am. I. Clear?” She flicked my forehead on each word.

I nodded. She stomped.

“Crystal?”

“Yes!” I groaned and rolled over, holding my stomach as she walked into her closet.

She made sure to place it on the highest shelf. “Maybe I should get him an ugly yellow headband.”

I rolled off her bed and ran for my room.

“Remember what I told you this morning!”

* * *

Mom and Lizzie were laying on the couches in their usual positions, disgusting foot-pillows and everything.

“Hi honey,” mom looked over the couch, “you look much better!”

“Did you catch anything on TV when you came home?”

“No, why?”

I grumbled as I made my way into the kitchen to grab another energy bar. I opened the box. Empty. Who the hell leaves an empty box?

Searching the cabinets some more, all that was left was brown food.

“Mom,” I said as I headed back towards my room, “can you go food shopping?”

“I went yesterday.”

I stopped and looked over the couch at her. “My energy bars are done.”

“Why did you leave the empty box in there?” Lizzie laughed.

“If I knew that,” mom touched my arm, “I would’ve got more.”

Lizzie jammed her feet into her foot-pillow and made some grunting noises.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?”

“I think I stomped on something today,” she smirked at me, “and my ankle hurts.”

“Perfect timing. There’s a number 1 massager right here!” Mom patted my arm.

I headed for the steps.

“If you want me to go food shopping tomorrow, give Lizzie a little massage.”

Lizzie raised her feet in the air, wiggling her toes. “Thanks mom, you’re the best!”

I should have just kept heading up the stairs. I could starve a few more days, and mom would have to get food eventually.

“She’s waiting. Can’t you see her pretty little toesies in the air?” Mom giggled.

I dragged my feet over to the couch and looked at Lizzie’s soles. Incredibly filthy. How come mom complains about food in here, but lets Lizzie rub this all over her house?

“Just put that pillow on your lap,” Lizzie said. “Or do you want me to throw it?”

Mom laughed. “I still can’t believe that. Maybe we should get him a cup.”

Lizzie snickered at me as I sat down, then used her feet to get the pillow on my lap.

“Yeah, maybe we should.” Lizzie slammed her heels down. “Have you ever been hit there, Joshy Woshy?”

“Without a pillow of course!” Mom and Lizzie laughed and laughed.

“No. Never.” This was an incredibly awkward conversation to have with them.

Lizzie wiggled her toes in my lap. “Massage!”

Staring at her foot, I couldn’t believe my hands would touch this filth. I would definitely need to scrub all the skin off my hands after this.

I reached down and started gingerly rubbing them.

“So, mom, ever hit anyone in the eggs before?” Lizzie emphasized the word eggs with a press of her heels.

“Eggs? That’s a new one.” Mom laughed. “Not on purpose. This one time, my boyfriend was tickling me. And oops, my knee went into his—”

“Eggs?”

Mom cracked up again. “Exactly! And then he turned green, a lot like Joshy Woshy when you got him with that pillow!”

Lizzie flexed and raised her foot. “This pillow right here?”

She dropped her heel on the pillow. I curled over slightly, stopping my massage.

“Yep.” Mom laughed. “In fact, I think it was that exact pillow.”

Lizzie looked at me. “Must be horrible memories having that in your crotch again, right Joshy Woshy?”

Her and mom laughed as I turned red.

“Stop teasing your brother. Accidents happen.”

“Yes they do.” Lizzie flexed her toes. “So any more experiences?”

“Actually, now that you mention it,” mom said. “There is this one time me and your aunt were out. These two hot twins came up to us on the dance floor acting all nice nice.”

“You used to dance?”

“I was young once too, you know.” Mom giggled. “So we both danced with them, but then they touched our butts.”

“And what did you do?”

“We both kicked them right in the eggs at the same exact time!” Mom laughed again. “Wasn’t planned or anything, but me and your aunt are good like that.”

Lizzie giggled as she ground her heel into the pillow, then shot me a glare and whispered, “Massage.”

“Why don’t I show you two a demonstration,” mom said. “Just in case you two need to protect yourselves.”

“That would be perfect, mom!” Lizzie laughed. “Joshy Woshy would love it.”

Mom whipped off the couch, then galloped into the middle of the room.

“So me and your aunt were like this.” She pretended she was leaning on something. “Then like this.” She struck a pose. “And then like this.” She danced.

Lizzie laughed. I felt a little awkward at the subject matter, but mom really did look hilarious, so I laughed too.

“And then I went like this.” Mom kicked her leg out. She jumped a few feet away and turned. “While your aunt went like this!” She kicked. “And then they went like this!” Mom grabbed herself between the legs, crossed her eyes, and fell to her knees.

We both were cracking up, mom never acted this way.

Mom fell onto the ground and rolled around. “And then they were acting like babies.”

Lizzie looked at me and smirked. “Remind you of anybody?”

Mom stood up and struck a pose again while Lizzie clapped.

“And then we walked away like this!” Mom walked like she was on a runway, all the way to the couch. She spun around, sat down, and crossed her legs.

“You really got them good, huh?” Lizzie smirked again as her heel pressed harder. I massaged her foot rougher, hoping it would hurt her stupid feet.

“It was like we were pro fighters!”

“Maybe you were, in another life.” Lizzie laughed. “Hey, you know what I just thought of?”

“What?”

“You and the great Joshy Woshy should have a match!” Lizzie ripped her foot out of my hands and started jamming them in my sides. “And then the winner can face me!”

“That’s a fantastic idea.” Mom rocked her crossed leg up and down.

I tried moving away from Lizzie’s foot, but she kept digging it into my ribs. “I’m still not feeling 100%, mom.”

“Then that’s better! Since I’m not a fighter, it’ll make it even. Although,” she kicked her leg out and crossed her eyes, “are you sure you don’t want a cup?”

They both laughed.

“No, I’m not fighting my own mom! You’d get destroyed.”

“Want me to go food shopping?” Mom kicked again. “Maybe I could pick up some eggs.”

Lizzie yanked her legs away from me and couldn’t stop laughing.

“Fine,” I said. “It’s on, but I’m not going easy on you.”

“Me neither.” Mom kicked her leg out again on each word. “Round 2: Joshy Woshy vs. Egg-Breaker Mom! Ding ding ding!”

Chapter 8

I heard lots of laughter from the kitchen as I came downstairs—it stopped as soon as I entered the doorway.

“He’s here,” Lizzie whispered as she stifled a giggle.

“There he is.” Mom pulled a pan out from behind her back. “Ready for your big match today?”

“Yeah,” I said while filling a glass of water, “you better be ready to lose.”

Mom gave me a huge smile as she crossed her eyes and cracked two eggs into the pan.

Lizzie cracked up. “Did you see her break those eggs?”

“How could he miss it?” Mom laughed and waved the pan in my face. “Do you need me to break two more?” She kicked into the air.

“He only has two. Every day.” Lizzie almost fell out of her chair. “Right, Joshy Woshy?”

I sat down in my seat. “If mom doesn’t want to lose, she should be training right now instead.”

Mom started cooking the eggs. “Just wait until you see my secret moves. You’ll be shaking in your boots!”

“Don’t give away our secrets,” Lizzie said. “After you went upstairs, I trained mom on all your biggest weaknesses.”

“I don’t have any weaknesses!” I said. “My form is perfect!”

Lizzie crossed her eyes and laughed. I kicked her leg.

Mom turned around and placed the eggs on my plate. “I don’t know, Lizzie is a fantastic trainer.”

“Even better than Joshy’s sensei!” Lizzie kicked my leg back.

“And I have a secret weapon.” Mom sat down and placed her feet on the table. “I had these made just for you!”

Her socks said ‘Egg Breaker’ on them.

“Those are mom’s new favorite socks!” Lizzie reached over and covered ‘Breaker’. “And you’ll be eating these too!”

“She’s right.” Mom laughed as she waved them over my plate, almost touching my eggs with them. “You’re eating them right now!”

It was amazing eating eggs after so long without them, but my appetite disappeared.

“And do you like the color?” mom asked. “Lizzie told me brown would blend in, making it harder to see my kicks.”

Lizzie smirked. “He won’t see them coming!”

I pushed my plate away. “I’m all done. I have to go upstairs and practice.”

“But you didn’t finish your—” Mom waved her ‘Egg’ sock in my direction as they both laughed.

* * *

The drive home from karate was unbearable. It was full of trumpet noises, and she even crossed her eyes as she asked if any of the girls at karate hit me today.

As we pulled into the driveway, I didn’t even wait for the car to stop before I dove out and rushed to my room.

I gave my pillow the biggest beating for an hour. Lizzie would pay for coming up with this idea.

“Joshy Woshy!” mom sang from downstairs. “Get into your corner and wait for your opponent!”

I could hear trumpet noises coming from the kitchen as I walked down the steps. Nobody was in the living room, so I sat down on the couch. Lizzie peeked around the corner to see where I was.

“Okay,” Lizzie whispered into the kitchen, “he’s ready.”

Mom turned the corner holding a pan while in full karate gear.

Lizzie trumpeted behind her while holding the trophy in midair, copying mom’s moves from Round 1.

“And the champ enters,” Lizzie said. “The crowd roars!”

Mom laughed as she kicked out her leg with each step. When they reached the middle of the living room, she reached into the trophy and took out a few eggs.

“See these?” Mom waved them in my direction, then cracked them into the pan.

Lizzie crossed her eyes and held her crotch, then fell to her knees.

Both of them laughed so hard.

I stared at mom’s foot pads. She wasn’t even used to them, she could barely move properly in those things. This was going to be easy.

They then both plopped onto the couch.

Mom laughed. “We practiced that entrance last night!”

“And here’s her,” Lizzie raised both her feet, “number 1—”

“—fan for,” mom raised hers, “Egg-Breaker Mom!”

They wiggled their toes as they both cackled. They crossed their legs and recreated mom’s kicks from last night.

They both laughed as they hugged each other. “Best entrance ever!”

This was going to be an even easier cakewalk than expected.

Lizzie stood on the couch and pointed at me. “And in this corner, the loser, the worst, the can’t-even-beat-his-own-sister… Joshy Woshy!” She booed.

“And in this corner,” Lizzie pointed as mom walked like a model, “the greatest, the strongest, the destroyer of eggs… Egg-Breaker Mom!”

Mom posed as Lizzie cheered. “I really hope Joshy Woshy brought a cup today.” She threw a few knees into the air.

“Low blows are allowed,” Lizzie said. “I repeat, low blows are allowed!”

“It’s okay, honey.” Mom laughed as she looked at me. “I’m just teasing you. I want to be a grandmother one day.”

“Can’t make babies without eggs!” Lizzie broke an egg into the pan and laughed.

“Are you two done?” I said.

Mom laughed and nodded.

Lizzie jumped off the couch and raised the trophy in the air, strutting around. “Round 2. Ding ding ding!”

I didn’t even budge as mom wobbled towards me. By the time she reached me, she looked completely out of breath—probably because of all the showboating.

She threw a kick—it barely reached my knee. I swatted it away with my foot.

“And mom goes in for the attack! Joshy Woshy is on the ropes!”

She kicked again. I just stepped to the side, then walked around her to the other side of the arena.

“And the biggest loser runs away scared!” Lizzie booed.

Mom slowly turned around and wobbled back towards me.

She threw another weak kick.

I easily knocked it away.

A punch for my arm.

Knocked it away.

Kick my ankle.

Blocked.

She wasn’t smiling anymore, and looked frustrated at the bulkiness of her foot pads.

Lizzie made the crowd roar. “And she has him scared like a little girl in the corner!”

I felt bad.

Mom threw a weak punch for my stomach. I let it land.

“And the champ lands a hit!” Lizzie cheered. “Is the loser on his way down?”

I deflected mom’s next punch towards my shoulder. “Come on, mom. You can do better than this.”

I stepped around her, and backed up towards the couch.

“And the loser runs away again!” Lizzie messed with my hair, then sat down and laughed. “She’ll for sure get him this time!”

I waited until mom hobbled over again, then raised my fists.

My crotch exploded in terrible pain.

“Ouch! A number 1 fan just got him right in the eggs!”

I looked down and saw Lizzie’s foot disappear right as my hands reached my balls. I collapsed onto the ground, right in front of mom.

“And Joshy Woshy goes down! The crowd roars!”

“Lizzie!” Mom knelt down and rubbed my back. “Why the hell did you do that?”

“I thought you needed some help.”

Mom rubbed the back of my head. “Are you okay, sweetie?”

I groaned into the carpet, trying to get onto my hands and knees.

“Okay. Fight over.” Mom glared at Lizzie. “You’re grounded for a week.”

“But I didn’t do it. Your fan did!”

I brushed mom’s hand away. “It’s okay, mom. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

I slowly stood up, feeling a painfully dull ache in my gut. “Yeah, let’s continue the match.”

Mom continued rubbing my back and giggled slightly. “Well, that was one way to even out the match.”

“So does that mean I’m not grounded?” Lizzie smirked.

“Well,” mom laughed as she crossed her eyes, “my number 1 fan just used my number 1 signature move. And Joshy Woshy looks all right. We really should get him a cup.”

“Yeah, I think he’ll need it with the two of us around!” Lizzie pressed her foot into my back and shoved me into the ring. “And the epic battle continues!”

I stumbled, but regained my footing. I could feel pain radiating through my stomach. A kick in my butt launched me forward, and I collapsed into the other couch.

“And she gets him good!” Lizzie cheered as she jumped onto the couch and touched my ear with her toe.

I jerked my head away as I rolled off the couch.

“The crowd is really helping me out today.” Mom held out her pretend microphone, spun, and pointed towards the imaginary crowd. “I wouldn’t be able to win without each and every. One. Of. You.”

“And the crowd loves mom’s speech!” Lizzie ran behind mom and held the microphone out. “How does it feel to be a fan favorite?”

“I love it,” mom yelled into Lizzie’s microphone. “I love to please the crowd. The louder they cheer, the worse Joshy Woshy seems to be!”

Lizzie clapped as they both laughed.

I needed to put an end to this. I grabbed a pillow off the couch and launched it as hard as I could right for Lizzie’s face.

It smashed right into mom’s nose.

“Joshua!” Mom moved as fast as lightning and grabbed my ear.

Lizzie booed as she jumped on top of the couch in her announcer position. “Good thing this number 1 fan ducked. But now Joshy Woshy’s in huge trouble!”

Mom dragged me by the ear and sat down on the couch. “Why the hell did you try to ruin my fun?”

“I aimed—”

“For mom’s nose?” Lizzie snickered as she picked up the pillow. “The evidence is right here!”

Mom twisted my ear a little, then smacked her palm lightly onto my forehead.

“And she goes in for the win!” Lizzie giggled as she cheered.

“But I was aiming for—”

“My face.” Mom patted my cheeks hard. “How does the great Joshy Woshy feel now?”

I tried bending away, but her grip was iron-tight.

“After that stunt, you’re grounded for a week. Is that clear?”

She twisted my ear and I nodded.

“Crystal?”

I nodded.

She let go. “Okay, I’m all rested up.”

I took a few steps back and bumped into Lizzie. She put me in a chokehold and slammed the pillow into my balls.

“And the crowd roars as the number 1 fan made her way back into the ring. They want to see the finisher!”

Mom raised her socks, she wiggled her toes and laughed. “Well, I have to please my fans.”

“And I gave him a cup too!” They both laughed.

I struggled against Lizzie’s arms and began punching her.

Mom pretended like she leaned on something, she struck a pose, and then walked down the runway towards me. “And the crowd goes wild!”

Lizzie pulled the pillow away last second and shoved me forward.

Mom’s foot rocketed into my balls.

“Oh my goodness, honey.” Mom dove to the ground and started rubbing my back. “I’m so sorry!”

“Ouch!” Lizzie placed her foot-pillow under my cheek as she held her microphone in my face. “How does it feel to get your eggs broken?”

“Are my grandchildren okay?”

“Will I be able to be an aunty?”

I couldn’t think straight. I continued groaning into the floor. And all I could smell was this disgusting foot-pillow.

“Well,” Lizzie nudged her foot under my ribs and rolled me over, “the match isn’t over until she does her victory pose and I count from 10.”

Mom looked down at me and rubbed my hair.

“Come on, mom.” Lizzie pulled on mom’s arm to drag her up. “The crowd can’t wait!”

Mom looked concerned, but she stood up. “I’m sorry Joshy Woshy, but rules are rules. I’ll give you your favorite ice cream right after.”

Mom placed her foot gently on my stomach.

Lizzie started counting down slowly.

“Come on mom, do the finishing move I did!”

“But I’ll crush him.”

“You already crushed his eggs!” Lizzie laughed. “And it can’t be worse than that!”

Mom prodded my stomach a little.

Lizzie started cheering. “The crowd wants it! The crowd goes wild! I’ll even help you balance like you did for me.”

Mom gingerly stepped her other foot on my chest. “Are you okay down there?”

I groaned as Lizzie shoved a microphone in mom’s face.

“How does it feel to win by special move?”

“It felt great to finally use it again after all these years.”

Lizzie laughed.

“My opponent should have known to wear his cup.” Mom crossed her eyes as she looked down at me.

“And how did you feel when your number 1 fan entered the ring?” Lizzie placed her foot on my forehead as she leaned the microphone closer.

Mom pointed her finger around the room. “Well I love all my fans. Especially my number 1.”

“Aww, thanks mom.” She gave mom a huge hug. “Just one more question before the countdown finishes.”

Lizzie twisted her foot.

“Will you make the 3rd place loser kiss your foot?”

Mom burst into laughter. “Well, we did make him do it after Round 1. Is that what the crowd wants?”

Lizzie cheered and pumped up the imaginary crowd.

Mom looked down at me.

“Sorry, honey, the crowd always gets what they want.”

Chapter 9

“So how are my grandkids today?”

Lizzie laughed as mom placed breakfast in front of me. “I don’t know if I’ll ever have nieces and nephews after what you pulled last night!”

I ate my food and continued staring out the window. I couldn’t look at them.

“Why did you kick so hard last night?” Lizzie laughed.

“I was trying to kick the pillow away lightly, and those pads threw me off,” mom said. “You know I would never have done that to you for real, right?”

I continued staring.

“But he just accidentally stepped forward at the wrong time. It was all a horrible accident.” Mom reached over and rubbed my arm.

“Yeah,” Lizzie said, “horrible time to use that amazing black belt escape move I taught you, right Joshy Woshy?”

“If only he was one step back,” mom giggled as she crossed her eyes, “it would have never happened!”

Lizzie laughed. “And if he only had eyes in the back of his head, the number 1 fan wouldn’t have been able to get him either!”

“His eyes actually did cross for that one!” Mom and Lizzie laughed so hard they almost choked.

My eyes barely left the window. I needed to finish these eggs, and get the hell out of here.

“I had these made just for you.” Mom passed me some ‘3rd Place Loser’ socks. “Sadly, Egg-Breaker Mom had to downgrade you.”

Lizzie ran around the table and held a microphone to my mouth. “How does it feel to be a loser ranked below his mom and sister?”

I pushed Lizzie’s hand away, but she forced it back.

“And how does it feel to be a karate master,” she giggled, “who lost to a mom who hasn’t fought anyone ever?”

“Can I go practice now, mom?”

“No time for practice. You have to vacuum the living room,” mom said. “Aunt Nikki is coming over today.”

“Aunt Nikki!?” Lizzie gave mom a huge hug and kiss. “Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”

“I planned to tell you right after he got his gift.”

“Thanks for the gift, mom. But no thanks.” I tossed the new socks across the table.

Lizzie booed, then moved the microphone to mom. “And how does that make you feel?”

“Hurt.” Mom ripped the socks off the table. “But he knows his place.”

“Beneath us?”

“Yes,” mom said.

“And we use him as a step to climb our way to the top?”

“To the very top.”

* * *

Since mom wasn’t picking me up from karate practice today, I had a few extra hours to kill.

After class, I asked sensei how to counter chokeholds and how to fight two opponents at once. He demonstrated multiple escape techniques. When he asked me what it was for, I told him I wanted to be the best karate master—no way I could tell him the real truth.

As I walked in the door, I heard incredible laughter.

“There’s my favorite nephew.” Aunt Nikki stepped over the couch, almost tripping, and gave me a huge hug.

“And there’s my favorite aunt.” I gave her a kiss. Mom must’ve given her a little too much of her favorite wine. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Last time I saw you, you were this high.” Aunt Nikki raised her foot to her knee. “Or maybe this high.” She tried lifting her foot higher.

I caught her as she almost fell over. “Actually, you saw me last year. My birthday, remember?”

“Did you just come from karate? I hear you’re turning into a real master.” She plucked at my green belt. “But this doesn’t look black to me.”

“Josh,” mom said as she turned around on the couch, “please bring your aunt back in here. I think we need to get the sleeping bag set up.”

I wrapped Aunt Nikki’s arm around my shoulder as I dragged her back to the couch.

“Lizzie,” mom yelled into the kitchen, “could you get some water please?”

“Already done.” Lizzie turned the corner with two glasses of water.

“Don’t I just have the greatest niece ever?” Aunt Nikki plopped onto the couch. “And isn’t she a black belt?”

“I am,” Lizzie snickered as she offered the water, “unlike Joshy Woshy.”

Mom rolled out the sleeping bag as Lizzie gave her water too.

“And she’s not just the greatest niece,” mom kissed her, “she’s the greatest daughter too.”

Why the hell did everyone always say how great Lizzie is. Can’t they see the devil like I can?

I turned for the steps when Aunt Nikki grabbed my arm.

“Come sit down with your favorite aunt, only for a few minutes.”

“It’s okay,” I said, “I have to get changed out of my karate clothes.”

“Yeah,” mom said, “he fought us both right here.”

Aunt Nikki laughed. “What?”

“Yep, right in this very living room!” Lizzie laid down on the other couch, resting her feet on her foot-pillow.

“Who won?”

“Us, of course.” Mom laughed.

“I thought you were a karate master?” Aunt Nikki yanked my green belt and giggled.

“Hold that thought!” Mom ran upstairs, giggling.

Lizzie smirked at me. “He practices a lot, but he really isn’t as good as he says he is.”

“Didn’t you say he practices in his room every day?” Aunt Nikki looked at me and smirked. “Or are you really doing something else in your room?”

“Like what? Sniffing our dirty laundry?”

They both cracked up. Aunt Nikki had a dirty mind, she loved horrible jokes like that.

“Josh,” Aunt Nikki patted my arm, “please help finish setting up my bed. I think I’m going to need it soon. Love you.”

I’m tired, I’m sweaty, I still need to change. Why couldn’t she ask her oh so wonderful and perfect niece?

“Of course, Aunt Nikki,” I gave her my biggest smile, “I’ll get on that right away.”

She yawned and stretched her feet, kneading them into the foot-pillow.

Mom turned the corner making trumpet noises.

“And yesterday’s champion arrives!” Lizzie sat up on the couch and laughed.

Mom jumped onto the couch and raised her feet in the air. “You mean, Egg-Breaker Mom.”

“And her number 1 fan!” Lizzie whipped around and raised her feet.

Mom and Lizzie did their entire entrance all over again, this time for Aunt Nikki’s pleasure. She clapped and cheered even louder than mom—I didn’t think that was possible.

Aunt Nikki finally stopped laughing. “How did you get that name?”

“Well mom makes eggs for Joshy’s breakfast every day,” Lizzie said. “And she breaks two eggs each time.”

Mom laughed. “And remember those twins? Back in the club?”

“How could I forget?” Aunt Nikki laughed as she kicked her leg out.

Mom and Lizzie giggled as they crossed their eyes. “Well I was telling both of them about our old escapades, and how to protect themselves!”

I finished rolling out the sleeping bag, then rushed for the steps as quickly as I could.

“Josh,” Aunt Nikki laughed, “are those the four dirty socks you sniff while you’re practicing?”

“Actually,” mom wiggled her toes, “he did smell these.”

“And these too!” Lizzie cracked up. “Except mom was wearing them too!”

Aunt Nikki jumped off the couch like a missile, and wrapped her arm around me. “This’ll only take a moment, I promise. I need to hear the truth. I know how much they love to exaggerate and lie.”

“I really have to get upsta—”

“Upstairs to practice?” Aunt Nikki pulled me back in. “Not on my watch.”

“But I have to brush my—”

“You stick them in your mouth too? Gross. I would have to brush my teeth after that too!”

All three women cackled as Aunt Nikki dragged me back and pressed me to the couch.

I wanted to die. It was already bad enough with two, but now it was going to be three women discussing super uncomfortable subjects around me.

“Now, before we were rudely interrupted…” Aunt Nikki squeezed my arm. “Continue with your story. He was sniffing your socks.”

“Well Round 1,” Lizzie said, “I defeated Joshy Woshy.”

“Of course,” Aunt Nikki said. “You’re a black belt, he’s not.”

“And then the number 1 fan, and announcer,” mom stood on the couch and held a microphone, “that’s me.”

“Got to decide the loser’s punishment.” Lizzie giggled.

“Is this true?” Aunt Nikki asked.

I nodded.

“So what was the punishment?”

“Well I had to think,” mom pushed Lizzie out of the way and laid on the couch, “and you know how I think my best with my foot-pillow.”

Aunt Nikki nodded. “Always have.”

“So I rested my feet on the comfiest thing available. That’s that!”

Aunt Nikki cracked up. “Lizzie, you smashed his face so hard it looked like her pillow?”

Everyone laughed. I felt my skin burning.

“Yep,” Lizzie held her stomach, “that is a fact.”

“It’s true,” Aunt Nikki patted my cheeks, “his little red face doesn’t lie!”

Lizzie ripped the imaginary microphone out of mom’s hands.

“And then Round 2, mom defeated Joshy Woshy easily.”

Aunt Nikki squished my cheeks. “And how did that one happen?”

“Accident,” I said.

“It’s true!” Mom did her runway model walk. “Egg-Breaker Mom walked into the middle of the ring.”

“And broke some eggs!” Lizzie crossed her eyes.

I felt like lava as they cackled like never before.

“Your own mom got you?” Aunt Nikki winced, but still stifled a giggle.

“Those red cheeks don’t lie!” Lizzie laughed.

I wanted to smash her teeth in, but I sat there, feeling my throat close.

Mom raised her foot slightly off the ground. “So I’m thanking my fans—”

“With the foot that just kicked his balls?”

Everyone laughed at Aunt Nikki’s question as I melted into the couch.

“Incredibly long story short,” Lizzie said, “the crowd wanted it, so mom delivered.”

Aunt Nikki looked at me and couldn’t help but smile. “Is that true?”

I couldn’t speak. My mouth was full of burning cotton.

I nodded.

“But if that’s true…” Aunt Nikki patted my cheeks, “wasn’t the announcer supposed to pick the punishment?”

“Actually,” mom said, “that’s right. The announcer didn’t pick the punishment, the—”

“—crowd did!” Lizzie and mom hugged like they just won the lottery.

“Great thing you have the truth-missile here,” Aunt Nikki said as she pinched my cheeks. “Aren’t you glad? Your punishment gets wiped due to disqualification!”

“Redo!” Lizzie said into her microphone.

I felt my heart exploding out of my chest.

“Egg-Breaker Mom is back in business!” Mom raised her fists.

“Who’s the referee here?” Aunt Nikki asked.

“We don’t have one.”

“You do now.”

Chapter 10

Mom forced me to stay in the kitchen or I’d be grounded for a month. Maybe a month would be worth it—I just wanted to get to sleep. I was already stuck in here for so many hours, bored out of my mind—it was already nighttime.

Aunt Nikki burst into the kitchen, blowing a whistle.

I nearly jumped out of my skin.

“Like my outfit?” She posed. “This was Lizzie’s outfit for halloween. It was the perfect fit!”

“You look like a real ref. Can I go change now?”

“No chance.” She blew the whistle. “Get me a water!”

When I didn’t get up fast enough, she blew the whistle in my ear.

I whirled around the kitchen and filled a glass of water.

“Clear the ring!” She whistled in my ear. “Drag my sleeping bag into the kitchen!”

I ran into the living room and did as she asked. She followed behind me, blowing the whistle like she was a drill sergeant.

As I set up her sleeping bag in the kitchen, she filled herself a glass of wine.

“Get into your corner!” She blew the whistle again. “Now!”

I ran into position as mom and Lizzie came down the steps in full karate gear, kicking their legs out on each one.

Aunt Nikki placed her glasses near the TV, then joined them as they did their entrance dance yet again, this time with an extra person. When they ended, all three struck a pose. They must’ve been practicing that for all those hours.

Mom cracked up and fell onto the couch. “Aren’t we the best, Joshy Woshy?”

“Of course we are!” Aunt Nikki said, taking a huge sip of her wine.

“Yep, great. Can I go to sleep now?”

“Hold on,” Lizzie said as she grabbed a pillow, “we have one final move!”

Mom took my yellow belt out of her pocket, then kissed my forehead and wrapped it around my head.

Aunt Nikki blew the whistle behind me. “Get in the center!”

I ran into the center as Lizzie whipped a pillow into my crotch. I groaned and curled over.

Mom and Aunt Nikki danced around me.

Lizzie put on her announcing voice. “And the twins are in the middle of the dance floor! Did they just call those sisters bitches?”

Aunt Nikki walked up and slapped me hard. Mom patted my other cheek lightly.

Lizzie laughed. “One slap for each twin! And did they just grab butts?”

Mom raised her foot in slow motion and tapped the pillow lightly, then laughed as she grabbed my shoulders and spun me around.

Aunt Nikki’s foot was already up in slow motion and tapped the pillow lightly.

“And the twin-breakers, the egg-breaking sisters were born!”

All three of them laughed so hard as mom hobbled to the couch. I turned red as I tossed the pillow. Lizzie caught it and used it as a foot-pillow.

“That was great!” mom said.

“Better than we practiced!” Aunt Nikki said.

“Better than I remembered!”

Aunt Nikki threw some kicks in the air and fell over. She crawled over to the TV and finished her glass of wine. “It’s been so many years since I used these babies, and that was a hilarious recreation!”

Lizzie laughed. “I think that twin just grabbed her boob!”

Aunt Nikki gasped. She stood up, took a few steps, and rocketed her knee into my balls.

“And the twins go down!”

Aunt Nikki threw her glass of water in my face and ground her foot into my cheek.

Mom and Lizzie laughed.

“Sniff!” She blew the whistle and wiggled her toes on my nose as all three of them laughed.

I groaned into her foot and couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was going to die.

“I said sniff! What do they smell like?”

“Roses?” Mom tried to contain her giggle.

“Oranges?” Lizzie said.

I felt the pain in my groin become less excruciating. I finally was able to breathe. My lungs were filled as I gave them a big sniff.

They actually smelled really nice, like perfume.

The pain in my groin flooded back as I got an erection. At least everything still works.

“It’s called hard work and sweat,” Aunt Nikki said. “And next time you touch my boob, you’ll be eating this sock. Understand?”

I groaned as she reached down and pulled the yellow belt off my head. I inhaled her foot again.

“Oh, Joshy Woshy. What are you doing on the ground?”

All three of them burst into laughter.

“I’m supposed to be reffing your fight!” She wiggled her toes. “What are you doing smelling my socks?”

“You’ll definitely lose to me doing that,” mom said. “They’ll knock you out!”

Lizzie couldn’t stop laughing. “Give them a huge sniff, Joshy Woshy. Mom needs the easy win!”

Aunt Nikki took her foot off my face. She gave her wet sock a disgusted look as she peeled it off. “Maybe you can use these to practice in your room later.”

Her and Lizzie laughed. She threw the wet sock to the side and helped me up.

“Now, let me explain the rules for the redo.” She blew the whistle. “Are you listening, Joshy Woshy?”

“You look a little green,” Lizzie said.

“Yeah,” mom said, “what happened?”

“You wouldn’t believe it. Those twins from mom’s story were down here while you were off somewhere.”

“Probably practicing,” Aunt Nikki said as she looked down at my crotch, making all three of them laugh. She blew the whistle again. “Now as I was saying, the punishment was invalid, so we need to recreate the scene.”

Mom crossed her legs, pulling at the huge red foot pads on her legs. “I can’t move with these things anymore.”

Lizzie helped pry them off. “The great Joshy Woshy is tired and needs to sleep, so this’ll really speed this up.”

Aunt Nikki blew the whistle directly in my ear. As I winced, she grabbed my arms. “Blah blah blah, her number 1 fan kneed you in the eggs, right?”

“Kick, actually.” Lizzie snickered as she pulled my green belt off and wrapped it on her head.

Aunt Nikki blew the whistle in my ear. “Spread ’em!”

I spread my legs as she blew the whistle again.

“Wider!”

She kicked my legs apart, stretching them further than was comfortable. My crotch felt like it was going to rip open.

“Now,” Lizzie said as she took a few steps forward, “number 1 fan made some scrambled eggs.”

“Ew?” Aunt Nikki said. “Did you just touch her boobs?”

Lizzie slapped me hard, then launched her foot directly between my legs.

I collapsed to my knees, trying to curl into a ball. Aunt Nikki pressed her knee into my spine, pulling my arms back further.

She whistled in my ear again. “And then my egg-breaker sister broke her eggs!”

Mom stood up and threw a few kicks. “But I can’t kick my son in the groin. That’s just wrong!”

“You did last time. Here.” Lizzie chuckled as she handed mom my yellow belt. “If you put that on his head, you can teach those twins another lesson!”

“Great idea, Lizzie.” Mom gave her a huge kiss. “You’re just full of great ideas lately.”

As mom put the yellow belt on my head, my arms felt like they were going to get pulled out of my sockets.

“Oh, it’s you! What did you do to my son?” Mom laughed as she slapped me. “Didn’t me and my sister teach you all those years ago?”

Aunt Nikki blew the whistle in my ear. “Finish him!”

Mom looked at the bottom of her socks. She made sure to wiggle them and show me the bottoms as Lizzie cheered.

I wondered what they would smell like in a few minutes. Hopefully they smelled like Aunt Nikki’s. That might not be so bad.

“Ew mom, he’s hard! He just rubbed it on your leg! Break his eggs!”

Time slowed down as mom took a few steps forward, and launched her foot directly into my nuts multiple times.

“Don’t! You! Mess! With! Us!”

My arms flopped to the sides, lifeless. My eyes were blurry. I couldn’t hear anything. All my senses were haywire. I landed face-first into Lizzie’s foot-pillow. I couldn’t breathe, I had no air for what felt like hours.

The first enormous inhale was…

Breathtaking.

Lizzie nudged her foot below my ribs and rolled me over. My hearing came back.

Mom did her model-walk between my legs. She used my crotch as a step, and stood with both feet on my chest. Aunt Nikki grabbed her wet sock and placed it on my nose, while Lizzie pressed her foot onto my forehead and stood on my hand.

“So, Mrs. Egg-Breaker,” Lizzie held the microphone up, “tell us how it feels to finally teach those idiot twins a lesson!”

“I have to thank my number 1 fans! I love each and every one of you.” I felt her weight shift as she spun around the room.

“And ref Nikki,” Lizzie moved the microphone, “the moves were all valid this time?”

Aunt Nikki blew the whistle and stomped directly on my penis. “All moves are valid if they touch you with these!” She ground her foot. “And these are going to break if you mess with us.” She stepped up with all her weight on one foot, then landed on my balls.

“Wow, and you heard it here first, fans,” Lizzie knocked the sock off as she squished my nose, “the egg-breaking sisters are back after so many years of retirement! The crowd goes wild!”

Mom and Aunt Nikki kissed and hugged as they both fell to the ground and laughed their asses off.

Lizzie reached down and yanked the yellow belt off my head as she cheered. “And Joshy Woshy enters the ring! He’s down!”

Mom and Aunt Nikki giggled some more as they untangled. Mom crawled over to me, then stepped right on my chest and looked down at me.

“You should’ve seen me, Joshy! I was great!” Mom crossed her eyes and giggled.

Aunt Nikki stood with two feet on either side of my head and helped mom balance.

“Zero!” Lizzie cheered. “And the announcer says, loser has to kiss every egg-breaker’s foot!”

“Sorry, honey,” mom raised her foot, “my fans always get what they want.”

Chapter 11

“There he is, the 3rd place sock-sniffer himself!”

Mom laughed as Lizzie paraded around with her microphone.

“He looks like his eggs are real broken today.” She shoved the microphone in mom’s direction. “Know why that is?”

They both laughed. Mom took the microphone.

“Because he’s excited for,” she danced and kicked, “broken eggs!”

I sat down very gingerly as they both laughed.

“Why the big limp, sock-sniffer?” Lizzie wiggled the microphone.

I smacked it away as she sat down. “Where’s Aunt Nikki?”

“Right here. Are you blind?”

I expected my usual kick. It never came.

I heard a groan. Lizzie and mom were resting their feet on a sleeping bag.

“Keep it quiet out there, sock-sniffer.” Aunt Nikki poked her head out as they all laughed. “Remind me to never drink that much wine again.”

Mom nudged the sleeping bag with her foot. “I’m not the one who made another glass!”

“My headache is awful.” Aunt Nikki groaned as she touched my leg. “Be a best nephew and go get the pills for me.”

Why was she asking me? Clearly I had some serious walking issues because of her. There were two perfectly fine people right there!

“Of course, Aunt Nikki.” I groaned as I stood up and hobbled for the bathroom.

“Looks like he’s wearing my chicken legs.” Lizzie and mom laughed.

As I dug through the cabinets many minutes later, I popped a few pills myself. I looked in my boxers and saw only two colors—black and blue. I swear there was even a giant knee-shaped spot. My groin was broken.

I gingerly closed my boxers, grabbed the pills, and hobbled back to the kitchen.

Aunt Nikki was sitting in my seat, holding a frozen bag of peas on her head as I walked in.

“Give!”

I handed her the pills. She launched the top open and swallowed a few.

“Thank you. Love you.” She groaned as she shifted the peas around.

I sat down opposite of mom. The entire kitchen felt weird from this angle, like it was a different room.

“Aww,” mom held her hands to her heart, “the loser wanted to sit closer to the champ.”

Lizzie laughed and touched my leg with her foot. “Or maybe he didn’t want scrambled eggs from across the table.”

Mom cracked up as Lizzie crossed her eyes. She pushed my plate into my new position.

“Did you want those scrambled eggs?” I felt pain, and looked down to see brown socks wiggling. “Or those?”

They both laughed as I groaned.

“I think he wanted the second kind.” Lizzie pulled my plate away and rubbed her foot on my legs some more.

“I think you might need these more than me.” Aunt Nikki tossed the bag of peas right in my crotch.

“He’ll need more than that if he fights the twin-breakers again!” They all laughed as mom pressed her foot against the peas. “But honey, I’m really sorry about last night. I don’t know what came over me. Once the crowd starts roaring and I get that microphone…”

I groaned as I looked down at the peas.

“Want them to get back to that size?” Lizzie held out her two fingers in the size of a pea.

Aunt Nikki laughed and held out two fingers. “More like grapes.”

“You’re both wrong.” Mom held out her fingers. “Eggs.”

She crushed the imaginary egg in her hands as all three roared into laughter. They then crushed theirs too.

“I know how to break a few eggs, just ask Joshy.” Mom wiggled her foot. “Aren’t they the best?”

I groaned and just gripped the table.

“He didn’t even take a bite yet.” Lizzie picked up my fork and made airplane noises.

I turned my head away.

“Come on, open the tunnel for the train! Choo choo!” She blew the whistle.

Aunt Nikki held her head and groaned. “No more train.”

“Airplane it is then.” Lizzie made more noises as the fork flew towards my mouth.

I smacked it out of her hands.

“Joshua!” Mom pressed her foot. “Go pick that up this instant.”

I looked over and saw it laying near the carpet. It looked a million miles away. I slid my chair back and watched mom’s foot silently disappear.

As I hobbled over, all three laughed.

“If any got on the living room carpet!” Mom rested her feet on the table. “You know what’s going to happen next.”

“What’s going to happen?” Aunt Nikki leaned over and placed the peas back on her head.

Lizzie cracked up. “Mom told Joshy Woshy if any food got in there, he would be eating off her socks!”

All three women laughed.

“Right after work too,” mom said.

“Have to make it as disgusting as possible I guess.” Aunt Nikki laughed. “It’ll scare you into listening to the rules!”

“Hey limpy,” Lizzie said, “ever wonder what mom’s socks taste like?”

They all laughed as mom and Aunt Nikki gagged.

I finally reached the fork. I leaned over and saw a little egg on the carpet, and quickly swept it into the kitchen and into my hand, then picked up the fork and began my long journey to the sink.

“To make it worse,” Lizzie said, “I think it should be all three of our socks!”

“Another great one!” Mom touched Lizzie’s arm. “Isn’t my daughter just brilliant?”

“Yes she is.” Aunt Nikki nodded and moved the peas around. “Speaking of socks, has anyone seen mine? I’m only wearing one.”

“No clue,” mom said. “But wait right there.”

She gently pushed me out of the way as she ran upstairs.

Aunt Nikki glared at me. “Wouldn’t happen to have done any practice today, did you?”

“I don’t think he even can.” Lizzie laughed. “Did you see what you unleashed on him yesterday?”

“I don’t remember.” Aunt Nikki groaned. “I only remember me giving him a huge kiss as he came in the door, getting dressed in your halloween costume, and waking up under here with a faint whistle noise ringing in my ears.”

Lizzie crossed her eyes. “None of this?”

“Bits and pieces.” Aunt Nikki groaned again and moved her peas. “Don’t ever drink.”

Lizzie opened the fridge door and shoved me out of the way. She grabbed a can.

“Here, drink this.” Lizzie kissed Aunt Nikki on the forehead.

“I love you so much, you know that?”

“I know. I’m the best!” Lizzie put a finger to her cheek and giggled.

“Here it is!” Mom slapped my chest real hard, making me stumble backwards and into the wall.

As I slid down the wall, she handed Aunt Nikki her sock.

“‘3rd Place’? What’s the other one say?”

“Loser.” Lizzie pointed at me as all three cracked up.

“Thank you, I love you so much.” Aunt Nikki placed her bare foot on the table and slipped the sock on.

“Perfect, isn’t it?” Lizzie giggled. “And that puts you behind mom in the rankings!”

“Perfect, right loser?” Aunt Nikki wiggled her toes in my direction. “Want to sniff these too, loser?”

All of them laughed like never before.

Actually, if they still smelled like perfume, that might not be so bad. And at least they were fresh from the factory, never worn.

Aunt Nikki peeled off her other sock and threw it in my direction. “Don’t you have to practice today?”

They all laughed as they got up and headed for the living room.

Lizzie walked over to me, plucked the ‘Loser’ sock, and laid it on my forehead.

“Make sure to clean the table, then go brush your teeth and practice.”

After she left, I heard the TV go on as all three laughed.

I reached down and picked up Aunt Nikki’s sock. I gave it an even bigger sniff than yesterday.

Perfume.

I might just need to go upstairs and practice.

Chapter 12

I finally felt a little better. It was dark out, and nobody bothered me all day. Maybe Aunt Nikki should come over more often. It would take mom and Lizzie off my hands and give me the house to myself.

As I hobbled slowly towards the kitchen, all three women burst in the door with shopping bags.

They plopped down on the couches. Mom laying down, Lizzie sitting, and Aunt Nikki laying with her head on Lizzie’s lap.

“Perfect!” mom said. “My number 1 massager is here.”

“Be a best nephew and take off my shoes.” Aunt Nikki wiggled her foot in the air.

“Hurry!” mom said. “Don’t let those touch my furniture or you’ll regret it!”

I reached over the couch and pulled her shoes off.

“Thank you,” she pressed her foot on my face, “how’s it smell, sock-sniffer?”

All three women laughed as I lurched back and gagged.

“Go put those shoes by the door,” mom said, “and get back in here.”

I walked to the door and kneeled by the shoe rack. I gave her shoe a little sniff and felt my crotch moving. It actually smelled like amazing perfume.

I returned to mom and Lizzie’s feet still in the air.

“Do mine or I’ll break some eggs!” Mom kicked her feet in my direction and crossed her eyes as they all laughed.

I pried her shoes off.

“And mine!” Lizzie kicked my butt lightly. “Oh darn, I missed the eggs!”

They all laughed again.

I brought all four shoes to the shoe rack. Before I placed them down, I gave them all a sniff. Mom’s actually smelled a lot like Aunt Nikki’s. Lizzie’s just smelled plain awful.

As I turned the corner, Aunt Nikki glared at me.

“What were you doing in there, practicing?”

Her and Lizzie cracked up.

“Yeah, I was.” I threw a few punches. “I practice every day.”

“Didn’t help against the Egg-Breaker,” mom said.

They all laughed.

“I can’t believe he actually kissed these things last night,” Lizzie said.

“I know. Gross.” Aunt Nikki gave her foot a sniff. “At least it was last night and not today!”

“Aren’t you lucky?” Mom laughed as she wiggled her socks in my direction. “Imagine if these socks got you just one day later.”

“Well,” Lizzie laughed, “he would still be walking fine, right limpy?”

I turned red as I raced for the kitchen.

“True! I see it written on his face!” Aunt Nikki laughed along with everyone else.

I ate an energy bar by the fridge as Lizzie barged in. She shoved me out of the way.

“Isn’t it great having Aunt Nikki here?”

“Just great.”

She pushed me out of the way again as she headed for the calendar on the wall.

“She’s still here until tomorrow.”

“I know that, loser.” She shoved me into the fridge on the way to the sink. “I just needed an excuse to plow through you.”

I rubbed my back. My balance and stance were so thrown off, I had to keep my legs out in a funny position as I walked. I wonder how long I’ll be swollen for.

“You see that sleeping bag down there? You’re sleeping in it tonight.”

“I’m what?”

She flicked my forehead.

“You. Are. Sleeping. Down. There. Tonight.”

I bent over backwards, almost into the sink.

“Find out a way to do it.” She grabbed three glasses and stared at me.

I stepped out of her way.

“Good boy,” Lizzie laughed, “or next up was going to be a scrambled egg special.”

She filled up all three glasses with water, shoved one in my hands.

“Follow!”

As she rushed into the living room, I followed as fast as I could.

“Here you go, mom. I love you.”

Mom leaned up and gave Lizzie a kiss. “Wow, what a wonderful daughter.”

Lizzie sat down in her spot, and Aunt Nikki rested her head back on Lizzie’s lap.

“Wow, what a horrible nephew.”

Everyone giggled as I slowly hobbled over and handed the glass to Aunt Nikki. She ripped it out of my hands and glugged it down.

“Thank you,” she handed me the glass, “now give me a kiss.”

“Aww,” mom held her hands to her heart, “just like me and Lizzie.”

I leaned over and pecked Aunt Nikki on the cheek. She patted my cheek.

“Good boy.” She smashed her feet into her foot-pillow. “You know what my nephew can do to raise his ranking?”

“He’s mom’s number 1 massager.” Lizzie giggled.

Mom raised her foot, flexing it in the air. “Oh my goodness Nikki, you have got to try it.”

“Be a good boy and massage Aunt Nikki’s feet for her.” Lizzie smirked.

“Sold!” Aunt Nikki raised her legs, her socks looked soaked. “I was going to pay to get one while we were shopping, but Joshy Woshy’s Massagy Parlor has way better reviews!”

They all laughed.

“Horrible name though.” Lizzie giggled as she massaged Aunt Nikki’s scalp.

Aunt Nikki shot me a look, and I sat on the couch. I placed the pillow on my lap, and she gently rested her feet back on it.

I started the massage. Her socks were so sweaty, my fingers were instantly drenched.

“Oh yeah, this is the life.” She flexed her foot. “Is this why you had kids?”

“Yep,” mom ground her feet into the pillow, “my own little massagers wherever I go!”

Lizzie clapped. “We should bring Joshy Massagy wherever we go!”

All three laughed.

“Another great idea,” mom said. “Lizzie, you’re on a roll with these ideas.”

Aunt Nikki nudged my ribs with her foot. “That business will definitely travel with us next time.”

Lizzie cracked up. “I could make a sign and everything. Maybe stick some lights on it.”

“First one’s free,” mom said. “Once you’ve had Joshy, you’ll always come backy!”

Aunt Nikki smushed her foot on my nose. “Free sniff included!”

They all cracked up.

“I think Joshy’s up for it too.” She rubbed my cheek with her sole. “His face is all red.”

“And he’s so happy he can’t even speak.” Mom giggled.

“I’ll start on the sign right away.”

Aunt Nikki plopped her foot back down on the pillow, hard. “Joshy won’t be able to help though, too busy practicing.”

I looked at her. She gave a little wiggle of her nose and laughed, then rubbed her foot on the pillow.

“It’s okay,” Lizzie said, “me and mom will make it.”

“And we could wear our bathing suits like a car wash.” Mom walked on a runway and struck a pose.

All of us laughed, me included.

“Maybe we could even recruit Jules, and Reebee.”

“Great idea,” mom said. “What has Rebecca been up to lately?”

“I don’t know,” Lizzie said, “playing soccer in school, I think. We haven’t had the same classes in years.”

Aunt Nikki nudged her foot into my ribs. I twisted away as she laughed.

“Okay,” she said, “I think I’m ready to go to sleep.”

“Joshua,” mom rolled over and curled into a ball, “go get her sleeping bag from the kitchen and bring it in here.”

Lizzie shot me a glare, had two fingers open to the size of a pea, and crushed it in her fist.

“I have a better idea,” I said. “How about Aunt Nikki sleeps in my bed, and I sleep in the sleeping bag.”

“Great idea.” Aunt Nikki ground her heels into the pillow and flexed her toes. “It would be so much more comfy.”

“Just don’t forget to brush your teeth,” mom said. “Come on, let’s go try our new pajamas on.”

All of them rushed upstairs, giggling. I gave my fingers a large sniff. Maybe I wouldn’t wash my hands tonight. And I had the whole downstairs to myself.

I looked at the shoe rack.

It was going to be a long night of practice.

Chapter 13

I woke up to a heel on my stomach.

“What’s for breakfast?”

“I don’t know,” mom said, “it’s just us today.”

Another heel dug into the other side of my body.

“Lizzie went out?”

“Yeah,” mom said, “she said she was going to go practice with Rebecca.”

“This early?” Aunt Nikki groaned. “I would be dying if I was out running this early.”

“Not everyone drinks gallons of wine the night before.”

Aunt Nikki laughed as she flexed her foot on her heel. “It wasn’t gallons.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

One foot left my body, and another one pressed against me. I heard cabinets opening and closing.

“Is there any cereal?” Aunt Nikki asked.

Mom shook a box. “Yep.” I heard the fridge open. “But only chocolate milk.”

“Ew!” Both feet stomped. “Who would drink brown milk in cereal?”

I felt sick. I rolled over and tried poking my head out from the sleeping bag.

“Oh my goodness!” Aunt Nikki rested her feet on the opposite chair. “I forgot you were down there.”

“Have a good sleep, honey?” She shook the box. “Cereal?”

My stomach dropped. “No thanks, mom. Eggs.”

Aunt Nikki laughed. “Speaking of eggs, how have yours been?”

“A little better, but everything still really hurts.”

“Do you need me to call the doctor?” Mom cracked two eggs into the pan.

“No. I’ll be fine.”

Aunt Nikki laughed. “Do you really want to be eating eggs while your little eggs are smashed?”

“They’re grapes, remember?” Mom laughed.

“Oh yeah.” Aunt Nikki looked under the table and held her fingers open while she giggled. “Maybe you could eat some grapes instead.”

“They’re in the fridge, on the left.”

“Want me to get them?” Aunt Nikki pulled her feet off the chair and went into the fridge.

“No thank you,” I sighed, “I’ll eat the eggs.”

“It’s your grave.” She rested both feet back on my chest.

I stared at her bare feet. I took a slow sniff, trying to stay as silent as possible. They smelled… delightful.

“Are you alive down there?” She wiggled her toes on my chest. “It felt like you stopped breathing.”

“Alive and fine.” I inhaled again. “See? Lungs working fine.”

“Nose too?”

I made a loud noise in and out through my nose. “Yep. All good.”

I looked up in mom’s direction. She was doing a little dance as she cooked. She rested one foot on her toes and flexed her sole—Egg. How many days in a row has she been wearing those?

I felt a twinge in my pants as a foot ground in my chest.

“Alive down there? You stopped breathing again.”

Mom twisted around on her foot, and I watched the word disappear in slow motion. She put the plate on the table and sat down.

“Okay,” Aunt Nikki said as she rested her feet on the chair, “eggs are ready.”

Mom looked under the table. “Do you want those eggs?” She wiggled her sock in my direction. “Or these eggs?”

They both cracked up as I crawled out from the table, making sure to push the chair out and slide into it without my crotch showing.

“Shucks,” Aunt Nikki said, “I really wanted my footrest while we ate. It was so comfy.”

“Did you know it had a built-in foot-warmer?”

“A what?”

“When Lizzie won her match, I used the foot-warmer.”

Aunt Nikki almost choked on a grape as she laughed. “You mean the time Lizzie beat him to a pulp, and you were so confused, you used his face like a foot-pillow?”

“Yep, that’s the one.”

They both laughed as I turned red.

“Aww, look at his face. It’s true!” Aunt Nikki pressed a foot against my leg. “I wish I tested that a few minutes ago, my feet are freezing.”

Mom took a bite of food. “You’ll get to try it when Lizzie opens that new business! Maybe she should add it to her sign!”

“Maybe that should just be between us. Best customers only.” Aunt Nikki rested both feet on my lap and wiggled them.

“Yeah,” mom reached over and ate a grape, “we need something to entice the big spenders.”

“Maybe they could break some eggs too.”

I felt her foot brush against my…

I stared at her, but she never looked away from mom for a second.

“Yeah, that could be his payment!” Mom giggled. “We get all the cash, and he gets to eat his favorite food!”

“You could maybe practice for a food-eating competition.”

Her foot brushed it again. There’s no way that was an accident.

Mom clapped and cheered. “And you would have all three egg-breakers there to cheer you on.”

“Wouldn’t that be nice?” Aunt Nikki pressed her foot a little lower.

“Josh? You look a little…” Mom put her hands up to her throat and pretended to throw up. “And you barely even touched your—”

“Eggs?”

Mom laughed. “Maybe we wouldn’t do that competition. He can only handle two broken eggs a day.”

“Is that right?”

Aunt Nikki’s foot gave my eggs one final rub, then disappeared.

“Yeah, that would probably be too many eggs.” Aunt Nikki laughed.

I looked under the table and saw both of them kneading my pillow with their feet.

“Not feeling well?” Mom asked. “Did you want to lay back down?”

“Your favorite aunt could really use a foot-warmer!”

“Mom, can I go to my room and practice?”

Mom nodded. “Sure, you can go.”

Aunt Nikki winked at me. “I’m going to be leaving in an hour, but I left a present in your room for letting me sleep in there. And like you always say, practice makes perfect.”

Chapter 14

Lizzie burst into my room, shoving me onto my bed.

“He’s in here, Reebee. He was practicing his kicks.”

Rebecca turned the corner in full soccer gear, minus cleats.

“Us too. We must’ve run miles kicking that soccer ball around.” Rebecca sat down on my bed. I was surrounded. “My feet are so sore.”

“Just lay down and rest,” Lizzie said. “I don’t mind.”

Rebecca laid down and ground her knee-high blue socks into my pillow.

“Get the hell out of here!”

I whipped up, reaching for my pillow, but Lizzie shoved her foot in my ribs and launched me into the dresser, then crossed her legs.

“We just practiced all morning, let us rest.”

“Yeah,” Rebecca said, “let me breathe for a few seconds.”

Both of them gave huge exaggerated breaths while I rubbed my side and stood up.

I reached for my pillow again, and got a huge stomp to my ribs. I flew into the wall and collapsed.

“Still no balance?” Lizzie laughed. “His little ballsies are broken.”

Rebecca cracked up. “Did someone practice soccer on them?”

“Yeah, my mom.”

“Ouch!” Rebecca laughed as she ground my pillow some more. “Getting kicked by your own mom. Embarrass—”

“—ing!”

They both laughed.

“And my aunt.” Lizzie crossed her eyes. “And me too!”

My pillow smashed flat. “Since all the girls get to play soccer, when’s my chance?”

“We already did,” Lizzie said. “Practiced. All day. Park.”

“I’m not talking about soccer balls. I’m talking about these!” Rebecca kicked my pillow into my head and giggled. “Or that works too.”

It smelled absolutely awful. I ripped it off my head and launched it for Lizzie’s head.

She caught it, and laid it back under Rebecca’s feet.

“You know what, that’s not a bad idea.” She laid on my bed, grinding her feet into my pillow too. “I could open my business at your next practice.”

“Everyone would love getting massages.” Rebecca wiggled her foot in my direction. “I’ll pay you $10 to get one right now!”

“Twenty,” Lizzie said, “and we have a deal.”

“Deal!”

They both shook hands and giggled as Lizzie stood up. She reached down and rubbed my hair.

“Don’t move.”

I smacked her hand away, and she gripped my hair and dragged me to the bed.

She locked my arm behind my back and shoved my cheek into the pillow.

“Do you want to smell this all night?” She forced my head to turn. “Smell!”

I sniffed. I gagged and coughed. Smelled like stale throw up.

“Or do you want to give my best friend here a nice massage.”

“Heck,” Rebecca tweaked my nose with her toe, “I’ll throw in another $20 if he gives you one too.”

“Deal!” Lizzie twisted my arm. “Getting paid to get a massage? Now that’s the life!”

She let my arm go and jammed her foot in my ribs, forcing me into the corner.

Rebecca scooted up my bed, resting her feet on the edge.

“Will you teach me that move?”

“It’s easy.” Lizzie pressed her foot into my ribs.

Rebecca laughed. “No, I mean the other one. I so wish I could use that on my annoying brother.”

“Another $10 and it’s yours.”

“Deal!”

Lizzie yanked me up by my shirt. I tried using my escape techniques, but she just countered every one, then locked my arm behind my back.

“Wow,” Rebecca patted my cheek, “there’s no way I could learn that in a million years. I want my $10 back!”

“$10 to practice a kick?” Lizzie kicked my legs apart. “Since your brother isn’t here, you can use mine.”

“I always did want to kick him.” Rebecca looked down at my pants. “But I never got the chance. He’s so annoying.”

“This one too.”

Rebecca dug through her pockets, giggling as she handed Lizzie $50.

“You really should train everyone.” Rebecca rubbed my hair and pinched my nose. “You know how many teammates have annoying dweebs as brothers?”

Lizzie yanked off my green belt and wrapped it around my eyes, then pulled my arm up higher.

“And they would pay?” Lizzie lifted until I screamed in pain.

“Yeah, I think my mom would too.” Rebecca stepped on my foot. “Did you know what some jerk told her yesterday?”

“What?” Lizzie wrapped her arm around my neck and lowered my arm.

“He screamed ‘Nice boobs’.”

“Ew, what a creep.”

“I know.” Rebecca kicked my legs apart. “I so wish this was that jerk.”

Lizzie choked me. “Say it.”

“Say what?” I struggled.

“Tell her she has nice boobs!”

Rebecca did have huge ones. I couldn’t believe I had those rubbing all over my bed. Dream come true. Then I felt something soft against my chest.

“Aren’t they nice, mister?”

I stuttered. I opened my mouth, but no words came out.

Rebecca took my hand and gently placed it on her hip. She dragged it slowly up her stomach, and stopped.

“Hey, mister, does that feel good?”

Mothballs. My mouth felt like mothballs.

“What’s that in your pants, mister?”

She leaned forward and pressed her stomach against it, and placed my hand on her boob.

I squeezed, then felt my groin explode from her knee.

“Creep!”

“What did he do?” Lizzie forced my arm up as I tried to collapse.

“He just squeezed my boob!”

“Ew, teach that loser a lesson.”

Another knee. I grabbed my balls as my knees smashed the ground.

Lizzie yanked my arms and forced her leg into my back.

“Don’t you ever! Touch me! Again!”

Each time my groin exploded. Each kick was more powerful than Lizzie’s ever could be.

I was slapped, then let go. I collapsed onto the floor, groaning and holding my crotch.

“Wow, Lizzie, that was amazing!”

Lizzie reached down and yanked the headband off my eyes, then rolled me over with her foot.

“Ever want to step on your brother?”

“Of course!” Rebecca giggled.

“Well there’s mine.” Lizzie stepped right on my butt, then back, then cheek. She twisted around, pinning my cheek down with one foot. “Come on, free of charge!”

Rebecca giggled. “Okay, little brother. I always wanted you to be my carpet!”

She stepped on my legs, and slowly wobbled her way up. She stomped on my butt a few times.

“That’s for breaking my watch.” Stomp. “And that’s for ruining my birthday.” Stomp. “And that’s for calling me names.”

I groaned as she worked her way up.

Lizzie dragged her foot off my cheek and held her hands out.

Rebecca gave a few mini-stomps on my back. “Are you sure I can do that?”

“Sure, I just did it.” Lizzie laughed. “Just imagine you’re me.”

Rebecca prodded my cheek with her toe. “Lick Lizzie’s toe!”

I screamed and jerked around. Lizzie stomped on my ear. I saw lights.

“Lick her lovely soccer socks!” Rebecca poked my nose again and laughed, then pressed her toes against my mouth.

I kept my lips tight and tried to jerk around.

Lizzie ground harder. “If you don’t lick your sister, we’re going to practice on another mister.”

I struggled a little more, but couldn’t budge.

Rebecca wiggled her toes on my back. “I promise you’ll get to touch my boobs after this.”

“Ew!” Lizzie stomped. “I would never let him do that! If he did, his eggs would be gone!”

Rebecca laughed and almost lost her balance. Her heels dug into my back as she wiggled around.

“No, I meant me.” She bounced a little. “My actual boobs.”

“Ew, still sick.” Lizzie pushed Rebecca off of me.

Rebecca laughed as she landed on my bed. “But at least he’ll keep his eggs.”

“For now.” Lizzie kicked my ribs and rolled me over.

Rebecca stood on my chest and touched her boobs. “Want these? Then stick out that tongue!”

I stared up at her, looking up and down her body. I couldn’t believe those actually touched me, and they were real soft when I squeezed too.

My eyes were filled with blue as her foot filled my entire vision.

I closed my eyes, stuck out my tongue, and felt the wet, sweaty fabric drag in slow motion.

“Ew!” She stood on my chest, looking at the bottom of her sock. “He left a streak!”

“I think that’s your sweat.” Lizzie giggled.

Rebecca peeled off her socks and threw them on my bed. “Yuck, you can have that.”

“Oh, he’ll love it.” Lizzie smirked. “Come on, let’s go watch our favorite show!”

I was about to tell her mom didn’t want her watching that, but thought better of it. Maybe I could leave an anonymous note on mom’s pillow.

“Last one downstairs is a rotten egg!” Rebecca jumped off of me and ran into the hallway.

Lizzie peeled off her sock and threw it towards my face. I knocked it away.

She used my stomach as a step on her way to the door.

“Have fun practicing, karate dweeb.”

Chapter 15

I couldn’t believe Rebecca laid on this bed yesterday. I’ve had a crush on her ever since Lizzie brought her home all those years ago—and she put my hands on her, willingly.

I recreated the scene from yesterday, imagining her leg was in the blue sock. Except instead of having Lizzie’s disgusting foot pinning me down, I used Aunt Nikki’s gift. I sniffed, and groaned as my groin ached.

Was the pain worth it for a single squeeze? Yes, yes it was. Dream come true.

I gave both socks one last sniff, hid it in a secret spot, and headed for the steps.

Lizzie was in my seat. I wanted to smash her face into dust—instead, I opened the fridge. “No eggs today?”

“Did Reebee destroy them?”

They both giggled. “Did it feel good, mister?”

I closed the fridge and looked in the cabinets—energy bars. “Where’s mom?”

“Can’t survive without your mommy wommy?” Rebecca laughed. “So how was practice?”

“I didn’t practice yet.”

“Sure you didn’t.” Rebecca smirked. “Lizzie tells me what you do in there.”

“Perfect timing,” Lizzie said. “Joshy was just asking about you.”

Mom walked in and said hi to everyone, then kissed my forehead.

“No eggs.”

“And you’re not getting any. That’s no way to greet me first thing in the morning.” She headed out the back door, barefoot.

I stood at the sink and stared out the window. I couldn’t believe she went out there to get the mail with no shoes. She’s been hanging out too much with that annoying sister of mine.

“Want me to bring a bowl and place it by the back door?” Lizzie laughed.

“Are you going to get out of my seat?”

“Nope,” Lizzie said. “Blame Reebee.”

“Blame me for what?”

I grabbed an energy bar and leaned against the sink.

“For taking my seat,” Lizzie said. “You stole mine, so I stole Joshy Woshy’s!”

“You mean Joshy Massagy!” They both cracked up.

Mom came in the door, looking at the mail.

“Mom, you know what we need? A doormat.”

“Great idea.” Mom lifted her foot and looked at her dirty sole. “I could use one right now.”

“Me and Lizzie tested a great doormat yesterday.”

“Oh? You did?” Mom sat down at the table.

“Yeah,” Rebecca said as she squished her boobs together, “some jerk touched these.”

“So she…” Lizzie crossed her eyes.

“And then me and Lizzie walked all over him.”

“Serves him right.” Mom turned around and glared at me. “Don’t you ever treat a woman like that, Joshua.”

“Yeah,” Lizzie said, “if we ever caught you doing that, we might have to bring out the egg-breakers again.”

All three of them laughed while staring at me.

Lizzie got up to get a glass of water. She crossed her eyes. “You can have your seat back.”

“Thank you.” I sat down and saw mom and Rebecca grinding their feet inside the sleeping bag. “What’s that still doing in here?”

“We needed a foot-warmer,” mom said. “Are you volunteering?”

Mom and Lizzie chuckled.

“No,” I said. “Why don’t you just wear socks?”

Lizzie sat down and drank. “Speaking of socks…”

“He’ll be our,” Rebecca placed both feet on the table, “Number 1—”

“—massager and…” Lizzie did the same, wiggling her ‘Fan’ sock.

Both of them clapped and cheered. They must’ve been planning that all morning.

“We’re going to be starting the business today at Reebee’s soccer game!”

“Congrats, honey, I can’t wait.” Mom laughed. “What’s with the one knee-sock and one amazing sock?”

“Well, yesterday I accidentally stepped in chocolate.” Rebecca flexed her sole in my direction.

“And I didn’t want her to feel left out, so I put one of my knee-socks on too.”

Mom glared at me. “And how did that mess get on the floor in the first place?”

“I didn’t do anything.” I shrugged. “I was in my room all day.”

“He was practicing all day.” Rebecca smirked at me and wiggled her blue toes.

“Well if she says it, it must be true.” Mom sat back. “But you know what happens if I catch your food in the living room.”

“What happens?” Rebecca pulled her feet down.

“My mom will make him eat her socks!” Lizzie gagged, while Rebecca and mom laughed.

“Right after work too.” Mom glared at me again. “He almost ruined my favorite pair of socks already.”

“Wasn’t it these?” Lizzie wiggled her foot.

I coughed as I felt something between my legs.

“Speaking of socks,” Rebecca smirked at me, “a lot of the girls on the team could use new ones.”

“We could sell them our specialty socks,” Lizzie said. “Knee-high ones too.”

“Another great idea!” mom said.

“Can you help me get some supplies today?” Lizzie blew mom a kiss. “I love you!”

“If I place the order after breakfast, we might have it in time for the game.”

“And I have a few other business opportunities,” Lizzie said. “I’ll talk to you after breakfast though.”

“Secret plans. I like that.” Mom giggled.

“What do you think, Joshy?” Rebecca said.

“No way. I’m not going to that stu—” It pressed.

“Not even for me? I’ll make it worth your while.”

It rubbed. “I’m not going unless I get all the money.”

Lizzie scoffed, and pulled her feet off the table. “No way, it’s my business!”

“It has my name on—”

“Your name gets you 25%,” Rebecca said.

“But I’ll be doing all the—”

“Now it’s 10%.” Rebecca smirked.

“Wow, Rebecca,” mom said, “you’re a great negotiator.”

“I know.” Rebecca smirked.

I felt more rubbing.

“So is it a deal? I’ll even throw in a couple specials of my own.”

“I still want 50% fo—” It pressed hard. I coughed and tried closing my legs.

“You’ll get 15%, and that’s final.”

“Deal.”

I felt wiggling from side-to-side.

“Aren’t you going to shake on it?” mom asked.

“We already did.” Rebecca laughed.

I looked down to see a blue blur disappear.

“Great job, Rebecca,” mom said.

“Remind me to bring you to all my negotiations!” Lizzie hugged Rebecca. “Want to become business partners?”

“Yeah, 50/50.”

“Deal!”

* * *

On the drive there, Mom and Lizzie couldn’t stop talking about how much fun today was going to be. Lizzie crossed her eyes and asked me if I was excited to see Julia again. I didn’t answer.

We stepped out of the car, and mom instantly made me carry boxes of stuff to the bleachers—they didn’t carry anything, and went off their separate ways. There were tons of boxes. How much space does socks and a couple of signs take?

Lizzie ran over and hugged her stupid boyfriend, Tony.

“Here to see my first day as an entrepreneur, honey bunny?” Lizzie kissed him.

“Of course, my love dove.”

I thought I saw a tiny mustache growing below his enormous nose. Probably drew it on there with a pen.

“Hey Josh, did you hear Lizzie got my brother a sweet—”

I marched right past him. Now that’s one idiot I wouldn’t mind destroying in karate. His stupid lips would go flying right off, ripping that mustache with it. And he can’t even offer to carry some of this crap?

I placed a box on the bleachers, then took a shortcut around the back. Before I made it out, Rebecca shot around the corner.

“Hey Joshy Woshy.” Rebecca rubbed my hair. “Thanks for coming to my practice. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem.”

“No one can see us back here.” She leaned over and gave me a huge kiss. “Anything else you want to do?”

I stuttered. My mouth was dry.

“Did you like this morning?” She smirked. “Negotiations?”

I felt my face start burning.

“If you do a good job today, you might get some more of that. And these.”

She grabbed my hand and placed it on her boob.

“Go ahead, mister. I’ll allow it. No breaking eggs this time.”

I squeezed slightly.

“Ew!” She slapped me, then giggled. “What if someone saw us back here?”

I couldn’t believe my hands were on… I squeezed again.

She slapped my other cheek and yelled a little louder. “Ew!”

“W-What are you doing?” I swallowed.

“Making this more dangerous. Didn’t you like this morning?”

I nodded.

“Well I wanted to up the stakes even more.” She glanced around again with a mischievous smile. “Take off your pants.”

“What?”

She smirked. “You heard me the first time.”

I looked around. “But what if someone sees?”

“No one will see.” She started tugging on my pants.

I helped her pull them down.

She stepped back and stared down at the tent in my boxers. “Ew!”

“Quiet. Are you crazy?” I began pulling my pants back up.

“Stop. Don’t move.” She raised her incredible leg and rubbed the laces of her soccer cleat in my crotch.

I stared at her blue soccer socks. This was even better than my imagination this morning.

She rubbed my tent. “Ew!”

“Hey, what are you two—”

Rebecca launched her knee into my groin. “Perv!”

Julia ran over as I leaned against the wall, holding my balls. “What the heck did he do to you?”

“This perv just touched me!”

“Oh did he now?” Julia kicked me in the balls from behind.

I collapsed on the ground, and Julia shoved me over.

“What the hell are your pants doing off?” Julia stomped on my stomach. “Go ahead, do whatever you think is necessary. My lips are sealed.”

Julia pried my hands away and stepped on them, then ground her sneakers back and forth, crushing my fingers.

Rebecca walked between my legs and kicked them apart, then raised her cleats.

“Please Rebecca, you—”

My entire body exploded.

Julia ground my fingers into dust, then used my face and stomach as a step as she hugged Rebecca.

“Great job! Are you okay?” Julia asked. “Do you need me to tell anyone about this?”

“No, it’s okay, really.” Rebecca hugged her as she smirked at me. “I think this was punishment enough.”

“Wait until Lizzie hears about this.”

“You know Lizzie?” Rebecca stopped hugging.

“Yeah, we’re all cousins.”

“Oh…” Rebecca giggled. “Could you take two steps forward then?”

Julia looked down, smirked, then stomped directly on my balls. “Serves him right.”

“Lizzie told me this was a part of our deal.”

“You’re part of the egg-breakers now too?” Julia ground her foot in.

“Yeah,” Rebecca smirked at me, “something like that.”

Julia gave her a huge hug as she bounced. “Welcome aboard.”

Lots of whistling came from the field.

“And that’s my cue,” Rebecca said as she hopped off me. “We have to practice before the big game. I’ll see you around, dweeb.”

Julia ground her foot while Rebecca dashed around the corner. “Are you sure you don’t want to use him as a doormat before your…”

She looked down at me and shrugged.

“Guess I could use one. Too bad there’s no milk. I’ll have to settle for the next best thing.” Julia stomped on my chest. “Tongue!”

* * *

“What the hell happened to you?” Mom handed me another box.

“Fell.”

“Do I need to throw away all the eggs again?” Mom ripped the box out of my hands, then cut open another one and started looking through it. “Well, we can’t have you looking like filth on our first day. You look like a doormat.”

I looked out at the soccer field—so many girls practicing their drills. And the sidelines were filled with all their families, especially hot soccer moms.

“Here, put this on.” She handed me a ‘Joshy Massagy’ shirt. “Me and Lizzie had these special ordered today. Don’t they look great?”

The shirt had a poorly drawn cartoon face with a giant foot next to it.

“I can’t put this on!”

“Why not?” Mom glared at me. “All of us are going to be wearing shirts.”

“It looks like a giant’s going to step on my head.”

“I think it would be a picture of a giant foot-pillow then.” Mom giggled as she patted my cheek. “Come on, we’re all wearing them. Support your sister.”

I grumbled as I got into the shirt. I looked ridiculous.

“You look great!” Mom kissed my forehead.

I wiped it away as we walked towards the bleachers.

Mom traveled onto the other side to sit with Julia and mustache-face, and I was stuck on this side with Lizzie. I guess it worked out for the best—I couldn’t be near Julia after what happened behind the bleachers. I could still taste it in my mouth.

I looked down and plucked at my shirt. “So what’s the plan?”

“You just sit there like a doormat.” Lizzie smirked. “Should be easy for you.”

“I mean what’s going to be happening?”

“You know how mom is the loudest person anywhere?”

I nodded.

“Well mom and Julia yell and cheer and attract the crowd.” Lizzie opened a box and moved things around. “And then we just sit here and rake in the cash.”

She pulled out a huge sign with flashing lights. I was so embarrassed, I just stared out into the soccer field. When I saw Rebecca, I clapped and cheered—she looked incredible.

Lizzie rolled out a doormat in front of me.

“What the heck is that for?”

“For people to wipe their dirty cleats on. Duh.” Lizzie smirked. “Unless you want to do it.”

I grunted.

“Plus it’ll attract everyone right in front of us.” Lizzie sat next to me and patted my shoulder. “So they’ll get to see the great Joshy Massagy in action.”

I continued staring at Rebecca, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.

“Our first customer!” Lizzie slapped my back.

I looked at a soccer girl standing on the doormat, wiping her cleats.

“What’s ‘Red-Faced Fortunes’?”

I jerked my head and stared at the sign.

“You ask any question you want, give him a little slap.” Lizzie chuckled. “If it’s red, it’s true.”

Before Lizzie could even finish talking, she had a dollar.

“Will my boyfriend marry me?” Slap.

Lizzie grabbed another dollar before I could even get my bearings straight.

“Will he propose on my birthday?” Slap.

She giggled and ran onto the field as I rubbed my cheek.

“What the hell is this?”

“It’s called business.” Lizzie snickered. “Now do you want to do this or the other thing?”

“I don’t want to get slapped!”

“So you want to massage?”

I grumbled under my breath. “They can ask questions, but no slapping.”

One of the moms walked over and wiped her feet on the doormat and handed Lizzie a dollar. “Did I just see that girl slap him? What did he say to her?”

Lizzie smirked at me. “Oh, you just ask him a question, and if his face turns red, it’s true.”

“Does my husband cheat on me with his secretary?”

I looked over at Lizzie, and felt a slap.

“Wow. That felt great! I knew it was true.”

“Thanks!” Lizzie said as she pocketed the money.

A woman sitting next to us threw a few dollars.

“I always wanted to do that to my husband.”

She slapped me multiple times.

“What the hell, lady!” I stood up when Lizzie put her hand on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry, miss. You were supposed to ask a question.”

“Was it worth it?” She smirked as she sat back down.

My face burned as I rubbed my cheek.

Lizzie rubbed my back. “Wow, who knew the crowd at a soccer game had so many marital issues.”

“No more slapping!”

“You heard me tell them.”

Another mom from the stands wiped her feet on the doormat. “Wow, this is a great idea.”

“Thanks!” Lizzie said. “Would you like to get your fort—”

“One dollar to step on his head? That’s a steal!”

Lizzie grabbed the dollar. “Excuse me?”

“His shirt,” the lady said. “Why else would you have that and a doormat laying there?”

Lizzie laughed. “Actually, it’s massages.”

“I love massages. How much?”

“Well since you gave me a dollar already, it’s $19.”

The woman threw a twenty at Lizzie and sat down. “Great idea, these practices are always boring.”

“I know.” Lizzie pocketed the money and patted my shoulder. “My brother here is practicing foot massages.”

“Well he’s not doing a very good job.” The woman nudged my leg with her foot. “He didn’t even take my shoes off yet.”

“Sorry,” Lizzie said. “He’s a little dumb. He just started.”

I reached down and pulled this lady’s shoes off. Her feet were soaked in sweat. Disgusting. But I started my massage anyway.

Lizzie handed me a towel. “So which one is yours?”

“Number 11, she’s great.” The woman wiggled her toes. “Harder.”

I rubbed harder.

“Good boy.” She rested her other foot on my knee. “To be honest, these things are a little boring. Nothing happens, so when I saw you guys setting something up, I knew I had to check it out.”

“Well glad you stopped by. Joshy Woshy here loves to massagy!”

Both of them giggled as I just stared at Rebecca running across the field.

The woman pressed her foot into my knee. “So, is your sister new on the team?”

“Sister?” Lizzie asked. “Oh, no. We’re just here to support my friend Rebecca.”

“She’s great. Did you know her boyfriend is a huge baseball star?”

I stopped massaging. Why the hell did she—this morning—the bleachers.

A foot pressed hard against my chest. “Excuse me. Hello! Massage?”

I fell down into the next bleacher as her foot was pressing into the giant’s. She shifted it onto the cartoon face and giggled.

“Okay, your time is up,” Lizzie said as she gave the woman a hug. “Thank you for the chat.”

“At least I got to step on a head. Well worth the money.”

When the woman left, I pulled Lizzie to the side of the bleachers.

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me Rebecca had a boyfriend?”

“What does it matter?” Lizzie smacked my hand away. “Do you think you two had something?” She couldn’t stop laughing. “Never in a million years!”

“She—”

“Let you touch her boob. I know, I was there.”

“No, she—”

“Broke your eggs. I know.”

I shook her. “Listen to me! Behind the bleachers she—”

“Hey Jules!” Lizzie pushed me out of the way and gave Julia a hug. “How’s the other side going?”

“It’s okay. Get any of our customers?” Julia gave me a smirk. “Did anyone step on his head yet?”

“So that’s why the lady asked that.” Lizzie laughed, then looked at my shirt. “Now that you mention it, his shirt does look a lot like that!”

Julia giggled. “Did you know, behind the bleachers I saw—”

I ran out of there before Julia embarrassed me. I had to get some breathing room. I hid behind the bleachers, looking at the spot where Rebecca kissed me, then sat against the wall with my head in my hands, wanting to go home.

* * *

Whistling from the field—I jerked awake and thought a drill sergeant was behind me.

I walked out from behind the bleachers to see what was going on.

Lizzie and mom and Julia were standing in the middle of the field with a huge ‘Egg-Breakers’ sign—it had a giant foot kicking a soccer ball, plus a stickman with his eyes crossed and legs spread… with little egg stickers between them.

All three of them even wore matching shirts.

The soccer coach blew the whistle again. “Ladies and gentlemen, a special treat today. These fine ladies here have decided to raise money for women’s self-defense. We’re going to have a competition today!”

The crowd clapped as I walked over to the fence.

Mom pulled out a microphone and pumped up the crowd. A dream come true for her. “I’d like to thank each. And. Every. One. Of. You. For coming out today.”

Lots of cheers and claps.

Lizzie grabbed the microphone. “The rules are simple. We’ll toss an egg. If you catch it on your foot without breaking it, you win a free self-defense course!”

Mom took the microphone back. “Just purchase a $5 ticket for a chance to catch eggs. If you want to donate, we’re also selling shirts, socks, and stickers over there!” She pointed to the huge sign on the other side of the bleachers. “My son Joshy Woshy is going to be there! Say hi!”

I felt myself melting.

“He’s going to be near the doormat!” Mom kept emphatically waving towards me. “So while you’re wiping your feet clean, be sure to stop by!”

Mom and Lizzie stayed on the field, opening a couple of those giant boxes I carried. Eggs. Millions and millions of eggs.

Julia ran off the field and came towards me. “Isn’t this great? And it wouldn’t have ever happened if you just had eyes in the back of your head.”

I wanted to melt. Julia ran off to the table she had set up.

“Wow, you’re such a good son.” One of the hot moms came over to me and patted my back. “Are you the one going to be teaching the self-defense?”

“I don’t know.”

“I always wanted to kick balls. I guess now’s my lucky chance!”

I quickly walked over to the table and sat down. Julia and mustache-face got me up to speed on the prices, and soon we had an immense line forming.

There was all types of clothing: Some had the new Egg-Breakers logo on it, ‘I kicked eggs’, ‘I kick ⚽ balls’, we even had yoga pants that looked like stickman legs.

As I handed different customers their items, they just had to crack a few jokes about balls.

A few girls even slapped the stickers between their legs. They pretended to get hit and crossed their eyes as they held their crotch—I swear they were all staring right at me as they laughed.

“Hey.” Rebecca sat on the table. “Did you like my plan?”

I didn’t know what to say. I nodded.

“I tried to win the self-defense competition, but I lost.” She raised her cleats in my direction, covered in eggs. “Looks yummy, isn’t this your favorite food?”

“I like them scrambled.”

“Like behind the bleachers?” Rebecca giggled. “This couldn’t have been possible without you.” She lowered her boobs down towards me. “Remember your room, mister?”

She winked as she grabbed my hand. I pulled it away.

“What’s your problem?”

“You have a boyfriend?”

“Where’d you hear that?”

“I know everything!”

Rebecca kicked my leg. “Where did you hear it? Did one of my teammates tell you?”

“Some lady.”

“What lady?” She whipped her head back and forth.

“I don’t know, just some lady I was massaging. She said some huge baseball—”

Rebecca laughed. “Oh, that loser. He’s noth—”

Lizzie spun Rebecca around, giving her a huge hug. “This was incredible!”

“I know, we’re amazing!”

They continued babbling on about something as they walked over to the fence, while I just stared at the doormat. The crowd had almost all died down, and it was mostly soccer girls left.

“Hey, that’s the guy that tells fortunes.” An arm reached around me from behind. She slapped a few dollars on the table and gave me a few slaps.

“Hey,” another girl said, “why are you slapping that guy? Is he your slave?”

“No, you just ask him a question and his cheeks tell you if it’s true or not.”

She came into my view and yanked me up by my shirt. “Are you a slave?”

Slap!

“Are you a loser?”

Slap!

She cackled as she slapped down $20 on the table.

“Excuse me,” I said, “you can’t do that.”

“I do what I want.”

Julia tapped this girl on the shoulder. “Is there a problem here?”

“No problem. Right?” She shook me and threw $50 at Julia. Julia shrugged and walked away as she stuck it in her pocket.

“I have a few slaves of my own.” She glared into my eyes. “I didn’t know there was one here too.”

“Please,” I said, trying to break her grip, “I don’t want any trouble.”

“What’s this stupid shirt supposed to be?” She punched the face. “Me stomping on a slave’s face?”

“It’s a massage shirt.” I tried breaking her grip, but it was impossible. “Joshy Massagy. I was giving some massages over there.”

She snapped her fingers at the fortune-teller girl. “Grab that doormat. Get it behind the bleachers.”

She pinched my cheeks as she forced me back.

Every time I used a new technique, she yanked me off balance.

“Stop struggling and I won’t have to hurt you. I eat slaves like you for lunch.” She snapped her fingers. “You see that doormat, slave? Get on it.”

She didn’t even wait for my answer before she launched her knee into my groin and threw me down.

She started stomping all over my stomach in her cleats while the other girl timidly watched.

I tried screaming for help, but the pain was unbearable. My lungs wouldn’t work.

“Someone’s coming!” fortune-teller girl said.

Lizzie and Rebecca turned the corner. The instant they saw me, they rushed over.

“Heather!” Rebecca ran over and shoved the girl off. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Using a slave.” Heather wiped herself off. “I needed one after the game.”

“This one’s not for you to use,” Rebecca said. “Don’t you have your own?”

“Yeah,” Heather looked down at me, “but I always like fresh meat.”

“Get the hell out of here!”

Rebecca shoved Heather and the fortune-teller away, disappearing around the corner as Lizzie knelt down next to me and checked my stomach.

“Are you okay?”

“Why?” I looked down and saw blood soaking through my shredded shirt.

“Wait right here.” Lizzie ran around the corner.

I stared down at my stomach. So this is what happens when sensei taught us about knife fights… I had hundreds of cuts and gashes.

She whipped around the corner, tore one shirt into strips, and helped take off my bloody one. She wiped some of the blood away and wrapped the strips around my stomach, then gave me the other shirt to wear.

“What a crazy bitch,” Lizzie said as she washed my hands with a water bottle.

“Mom’s going to kill us. Please don’t let her know this happened.”

“I should’ve never taken my eyes off you.”

I winced as I sat up. “So does that mean you’re going to stop hurting me now?”

“I love you, Josh.”

I grimaced as she helped me up. “I love you too.”

She peeked around the corner, motioning that the coast was clear, then helped me sit back down at the table. Perfect timing too, mom just finished talking with the coach and walked over.

“Wow, we did great!” Mom gave Lizzie a huge hug and kiss, then looked at me. “And you did great too, my little salesman.”

I nodded, trying to look as calm as possible.

“So how about we get this all packed up, and go get some chicken to celebrate!”

Lizzie rubbed my shoulder. “I’ll go get Tony and Jules. They can help carry the boxes while Josh watches the stuff.”

As soon as Lizzie ran away, Heather came to the table and slapped down $200.

“Wow!” mom said. “Big spender! What would you like?”

“One of everything.” Heather smirked at me. “Is that doormat for sale?”

“You want it, you can take it!” Mom laughed. “It’s no skin off my back. One less thing to carry.”

“I have slaves to do that for me.” She snapped her fingers and fortune-teller girl grabbed one set of each clothing. “There’s another $100 in it for you if he can carry it to my car.”

Mom laughed. “Looks like you have that taken care of already. And he’s watching the table for us.”

Heather shrugged and threw the $100 down on the table as she grabbed a few more things. “Maybe I’ll see ya around in that self-defense class. I’ve always wanted to practice kicking slaves in the eggs.”

After she walked away, mom touched my shoulder. “Strange girl.”

If only she knew…

Chapter 16

“We made thousands of dollars.” Lizzie laid it all out on the living room floor and rolled in it.

“Great first day, eh?” Mom stopped Lizzie with her foot, then gave her a kiss.

We all laughed as I gingerly rolled around too.

Lizzie picked out $2 and stuffed it in my pocket. “That’s your cut.”

“Are you crazy?” I stopped rolling. “I did so much more than that!”

“No. Your name was only on ‘Joshy Massagy,’ and you only gave one massage.”

“You have tons of money here!” I lifted a fistful and threw it at her.

“Should’ve let that lady step on your head then.”

Mom laughed. “Why would someone do that?”

Lizzie glared at me as she started scooping money as far away from me as possible. “You know how Jules came up with that amazing design?”

Mom nodded.

“Well some lady thought you could rest your feet on his face while he massaged.”

Mom laughed and rubbed her toe on my cheek. “Well that is the comfiest foot-pillow.”

I rolled away, but winced, holding my side as pain shot through my entire midsection.

“She was willing to donate a lot of money too,” Lizzie said.

“How much?” Mom reached down and picked up some money.

“She waved $100 in his face, but he refused!”

Mom counted out $100 and walked over to me. She raised her bare foot above my head.

“Mom, what are you doing?” I said as I tried rolling away.

Mom followed me around the room and lightly kicked me in the back each time. When one kick landed on my stomach, I stopped dead in my tracks—every little cut radiated.

“So your stomach is your weakness. I’ll have to remember that.” She waved the money in my face. “I’ll give you $100 to use my favorite foot-pillow as you give me a massage.”

“Mom, that’s disgusting.” I knocked it away.

“What’s the big deal? You’ve already had these babies in your face before.” Mom raised her foot and wiggled her toes.

“That was different!”

“How?” She lowered her foot towards my head, but I knocked it away. “Oh, I get it, you need your ass handed to you before I get to use my foot-pillow.”

“Yeah,” Lizzie laughed, “every time you used his face, he was below us. 2nd place, 3rd place, even Aunt Nikki got in on the action!”

Mom raised her foot again and laughed. “Remember Aunt Nikki’s smelly feet? And I’m paying you this time!”

I stared at her dirty sole. I did remember Aunt Nikki’s feet, and they smelled wonderful. Mom’s shoes smelled similar too. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

I knocked her foot away. “Gross!”

Lizzie laughed. “I’ll also toss in $100 if you give mom a massage.”

Mom kicked my ribs lightly. “Or do you need a Lizzie special? Maybe I can get it for free!”

A stabbing pain shot through my entire side. “Okay okay! $250 and it’s a deal.”

Lizzie threw some money on my chest. “For $250, mom better get a good foot-cleaning too!”

Mom laughed and looked at her bare feet. “They are pretty dirty. Go get a towel.”

“For that much money, he should be eating off our feet!” Lizzie headed upstairs.

Mom looked down at me. “Look yummy, don’t they?”

I smacked her foot away. She nudged my ribs.

“I’m only teasing.” Mom laughed. “Although I think I do see a little egg on there. Mmm, your favorite!”

Lizzie came back, handing mom the towel.

Mom stood above me, wiping the bottom of her feet.

I stared at her soles, seeing every blade of grass, every speck of dirt being flicked away by the towel in slow motion. Her toes and heel were the dirtiest, I could see every crevice of her footprint.

Mom nudged me in the ribs with her “clean” foot.

“Get in position, Joshy Massagy.”

“This is hilarious, mom.” Lizzie sat back, then continued counting her money.

“What is?”

“I bet Joshy would’ve never thought in a million years he would have to be under your feet again.”

“Why? I’m amazing!” Mom raised her other foot and started wiping that one. “These feet are egg-breakers.”

Lizzie laughed. “And isn’t $250 a little steep for a simple massage?”

“Maybe I could get an Egg-Breaker discount.” Mom looked down at me and crossed her eyes.

“Too late!” I ripped the money off my chest and stuffed it into my pockets. “Joshy Massagy offers no refunds.”

“We’ll see about that.” Mom smirked and knocked a bit of grass in my direction.

I coughed as I rubbed my eyes and sat up.

“This business is pretty dirty.” Mom wiggled her toes. “I better not get some dirty-face disease on my feet.”

“Or the red-faced fever!” Lizzie laughed.

“Or red-foot fever!” Mom shoved her foot in my face and started rubbing it around.

I jerked my head back and forth, trying to knock her foot away as I was forced into the couch. The back of my head jammed in between the couch cushions.

“Stay right there.” Mom pressed her toes on my nose. “Don’t move an inch!”

Mom laughed as she laid down on the couch, then rested her heel on my forehead.

“Perfect!” Mom wiggled her heel. “Lizzie, put on the TV.”

Lizzie stretched over, grabbed the remote, and turned it on.

“Now start that wonderful Joshy Massagy massage.” Mom rested her other foot on my chest.

I started slowly massaging that one as I stared at her other foot. The side of her foot still had bits of dirt and grass on it, probably was grinding it directly into my skin.

“This is the life.” Mom wiggled her toes. “This should happen every day.”

“Making thousands?” Lizzie shook a stack of money.

“That too.” Mom reached her hand out. “Here, I’ll help you count.”

Lizzie slid the money closer to me, bumping into my legs as she handed mom a wad of cash.

“You look comfy,” Lizzie said.

“Super.” Mom rubbed her heel on my forehead. “That woman was on to something.”

I tried turning to the side, but my head was trapped. I continued massaging mom’s foot.

“While you’re counting, why don’t you get comfy too?” Mom reached over and tossed Lizzie a pillow.

Lizzie caught it. “But you have the comfiest spot!”

“Just put it on his lap.” Mom stretched her foot in my hands. “Since we’re paying him so much, you might as well get a massage too.”

“I’m not—” My legs yanked closed as my entire vision shattered.

“Ouch, did she get your stomach?” Mom giggled as I groaned.

Lizzie jammed her feet on the pillow. “Ahh, so comfy.”

“Those pillows are deadly weapons around you.”

“Anything is deadly in my hands.” Lizzie dug her feet in, then continued counting her money.

After my brain started slowly working again, I took in deep, slow, calming breaths. I closed my eyes and imagined I was massaging Rebecca.

I was knocked out of my thoughts when a foot dug into my stomach. I winced.

“Massage me too!”

Mom pulled her foot out of my hands and rested it on my face. “Ahh, my feet needed a good warming. Thank you, Lizzie.”

Every so often, mom would scrape her feet back and forth over my nose, grunting about losing track of money.

Mom’s feet definitely smelled different than I expected, and even though they were filthy, they still had a sweet stink to them. Probably what Aunt Nikki’s would smell like if she went with us.

“How much do you have?” Lizzie asked.

“I lost count,” mom said. “The TV kept on distracting me.”

Lizzie laughed. “You’re the one who probably needed the massage more.”

“It’s okay,” mom said. “I used the hard lump in the middle of my pillow to massage instead.”

“You mean Mount Nosey?”

Mom giggled as she rubbed her feet back and forth, then sat up. “I think I counted $1403.”

“Wow. And I had $3347.”

I pulled my head out of the couch and blinked. My face smelled like stink, but good stink.

Mom reached over and rubbed the back of my head. “Thank you for the wonderful massage, honey. It made concentrating much easier.”

“Yeah, thanks Joshy Massagy.” Lizzie flexed her feet into the pillow.

Mom picked at my hair. “Are these crumbs?”

“Were you eating in here?”

“He better not have.” Mom inspected her fingers, then pried apart the cushions. “Did someone drop food?”

I remembered the disappearing energy bar… why couldn’t the gremlin disappear those crumbs? Mom was going to kill me.

“It was probably just dirt or grass,” I said. “You didn’t clean your feet too good.”

“Yeah.” Lizzie laughed and picked a grass blade off my cheek, then threw it on the carpet. “Joshy’s floor is filthy.”

Mom flipped over a cushion. “Well he didn’t offer me a doormat or anything. Maybe I should get my money back.”

Lizzie grabbed the foot-towel and waved it in my direction. “Is this what you use to wipe? It’s filthy!”

I knocked it away, only to get a hard heel to the stomach. I grunted as I watched mom step on the towel as she flipped another cushion.

“Ew!” Lizzie said. “Look at the bottom of your feet, mom!”

Mom raised her foot and looked at her sole. “Is that how you treat your favorite customers? With dirty towels?”

I watched the towel get crushed as mom twisted back and forth.

“I think it has red-face disease,” Lizzie said. “I think he uses it to wipe the sweat off his face!”

Mom jumped off the towel and bopped my head with the cushion.

“I think I feel my feet getting brown-and-red disease.” Mom bopped me again. “I want my money back.”

Lizzie dug through my pockets as I tried to squirm away.

Mom pinned my head down with a cushion. “Lizzie, get my refund!”

Lizzie jammed her heel hard into my stomach as I screamed.

“Got it!” Lizzie said. “Now get that cushion away before the disease spreads!”

They both cracked up as mom yanked the cushion off me. She gently pushed me onto the floor, then started making the couch nice again.

“Good job, Lizzie.” Mom nudged my butt with her foot. “So how much does that give us?”

“An even $5000.” Lizzie laughed.

“Wow, it’s like it was meant to be.” Mom high-fived Lizzie. “And I didn’t even need to use my Egg-Breaker discount.”

“Would’ve been more fun though.”

“Maybe next time.” Mom looked down and nudged me. “Now make sure you vacuum all this up. I’m going upstairs, and when I get back down, I want to see Joshy Massagy’s carpet spotless.”

After mom left, Lizzie picked up the towel and smirked as she waved $2 in my direction.

“And this was the refund collection fee.”

I dug through my pockets—empty.

Lizzie kicked my stomach, then stuffed the towel in my mouth as I screamed.

“Next time, that’ll be her yummy socks.”

Chapter 17

Mom and Lizzie were wearing those tight stickman yoga pants. Lizzie was leaning against the counter, talking to mom as she washed dishes.

I looked down at Lizzie’s legs. I just imagined Rebecca wearing those. Seeing all those soccer girls at the game was incredible, but Rebecca would be off the charts.

“Hey Joshy,” Lizzie said as she shifted legs, “I was just telling mom about training this morning.”

“With Rebecca?”

“Are you a stalker? She doesn’t like stalkers.”

Mom flipped the towel over her shoulder and turned around. “Breakfast this morning? Want some—”

“—eggs?” Lizzie slapped an egg sticker onto mom’s crotch.

Mom leaned over and groaned. She laughed as she peeled off the sticker and stuck it on her foot, then started aiming kicks for Lizzie’s butt.

Lizzie laughed and ran around the table, then used me as a shield. “Watch out! Those feet are egg magnets!”

I tried moving out of the way, but Lizzie kept yanking me around.

“Don’t think that’ll stop me!” Mom threw a fake kick.

Lizzie dragged me around the table. “Stop it, mom, before someone gets hurt!”

Mom stopped and posed, showing off her Egg-Breakers shirt. “I learned a thing or two at that soccer game.”

“Yeah, how to raise a lot of donations.”

I blocked mom’s next kick. “Mom, watch it! Go the other way!”

Mom rushed around the table and kicked at Lizzie, who dodged in the nick of time.

“Just go make Joshy Woshy some eggs!”

Mom whipped her towel and hit Lizzie on the shoulder. “Maybe I should take that self-defense course too.”

“What’s the need?” Lizzie snickered. “You already have your stickers!”

“It’s almost falling off.” Mom laughed as she looked down and wiggled her toes while reaching down and peeling off the sticker. She lunged for Lizzie and stuck it to my shoulder instead. “Maybe Joshy Woshy could teach me how to catch you.”

“This loser?” Lizzie patted my cheeks. “He couldn’t hurt a fly.”

I stomped on Lizzie’s foot, snaked my foot behind her leg, and threw her to the ground. I locked her arm and stepped on her armpit, then peeled the sticker off and stuck it to her forehead.

“You see?” Mom clapped and gave me a hug. “He could teach me some moves. He just took down the champ!”

Lizzie tapped my leg. I didn’t want to let her go, this felt amazing! And I probably would never get to see this again.

“But you can easily defeat him with one kick!” Lizzie tapped again and looked furious.

“Sure.” Mom crossed her eyes and pointed to her shirt. “But that move wouldn’t work against you. And I have to fight you next!”

I finally let go of Lizzie and took a step back. She ripped the sticker off her forehead and flew up as mom laughed, opened the fridge, and started making some eggs.

“Anyway,” mom said, “you were telling me about you and Rebecca practicing soccer this morning.”

Both of us sat down in our usual chairs. “And she said the players and moms are so excited for that self-defense class.”

“How many won the egg-catching game?”

“Eight.” Lizzie smirked as she used her fingers to kick the sticker. “I told them they could bring their moms or sisters too.”

“That’s fantastic! That sounds like a lot of people.” Mom turned around and placed my plate of eggs down. “The great Joshy Woshy could help you training.”

I gulped. I couldn’t go. Lizzie would probably find some way to humiliate me. “No, I’m busy that day.”

“Well you’ll have to free up your schedule.”

“Reebee’s going to be there.” Lizzie kicked my leg. “Are you sure you don’t want to come?”

“No wa—”

Mom pushed my plate. “If you won’t go, then I’ll have to practice in your room with you. If I win, you go, and if I lose, you can stay at home.”

“That sounds like a great idea, mom!” Lizzie laughed.

“You can’t win at practice.” I nodded my head as I ate some eggs. “And I practice alo—”

“Not today you don’t.”

Lizzie got up and kissed mom. “I’m going out shopping with Reebee, I’ll be home later. Have fun practicing.”

I ate more eggs. “I’m not going to practice.”

Mom grabbed my ear. “Up to your room right now.”

Lizzie laughed. “Looks like I’ll be seeing you at self-defense class. Looks like mom’s won already!”

* * *

“So what do you do in a typical day?” Mom sat on my bed.

I threw a few kicks. “Well this week is practicing kicks.”

Mom giggled as she looked down at her shirt. “Well I’m already an expert at that, wouldn’t you say?”

I turned red and tried not to think about it. “Well it’s what I’m practicing.”

Mom walked over and grabbed the yellow belt off my dresser. She put it on her head and bowed towards me. “Your funeral.”

I stood on one foot and practiced ten high kicks in a row, then switched legs and did ten more.

Mom tried her best, but kept losing balance after a few kicks. She hung onto my bed after each kick and was already out of breath. I probably completed thirty kicks before she even finished five.

“Mom, you can’t be hanging onto the bed.”

“I can do what I want.” Mom panted. “This is hard work.”

“I know, that’s why it’s called training.”

I balanced on one foot and started practicing ten back kicks on each foot. Mom copied me, and stared at her feet while still hanging onto the bed. I smacked her hand and smirked when she collapsed to the floor.

“What the hell did you do that for?” Mom glared at me.

“No hands on the bed, that’s not training.”

“Is that what your sensei did too? Rip your hands out from under you?”

“There isn’t any beds in the dojo.”

Mom brushed herself off and tightened her belt.

“Now just imagine me as your sensei.”

Mom bowed and giggled. “Okay, but that’s a little hard. You don’t have a black belt on. I only learn from masters.”

“Well I don’t have one. Green will have to do.”

“Wait right there.” Mom ran out of my room and came back a few seconds later with Lizzie’s black belt and the greatest toy ever.

I gave her a huge hug as she put it on my dresser.

“What was your gift doing in her closet?”

I shrugged. Hopefully she would tell Lizzie that she’s the one who took it, or I would be paying for it later.

She tied the black belt around my head. “There, that’s better.”

“Now are you going to listen to me?”

Mom bowed. “Yes, sensei.”

“Okay, now stand on one foot, don’t hang on anything, and kick your foot out straight.”

Mom balanced on one foot and fell down before she even threw a kick.

“Did you drink as much as Aunt Nikki last night?” I helped her up.

“I can’t concentrate on so many things at once. And I can’t kick at air. I need a target!”

“Fine,” I said, “will it make it easier if I stand there and block your kicks?”

Mom nodded. “And stand in the doorway. It’ll be away from your precious bed and I’ll have more room just in case I fall.”

“Good idea.” I stood in position, sticking my hands out waist-level. Mom threw a few front kicks and I blocked. “Wow, much better!”

Mom jumped and cheered.

“Next kick.” I showed her a sideways high kick. “Aim for the attacker’s face.”

Mom copied my kick, and wiggled her toes. “I might need a little massage after this.”

“Did you go outside to get the mail again?”

“Yep!” Mom kicked again, keeping her foot in the air. “I know I tell Lizzie not to, but I was just too lazy to put my shoes on this morning.”

I stared at her dirty sole. “Well make sure you go wash your feet after this.”

She kicked again. “Why? You’ll be using that foot-towel from yester—”

“—I’m not giving you a massage.”

“We’ll see about that, sensei.” She kicked. “And this time I’m not spending $250 on it.”

I had to get her off this topic. “Getting you away from that bed was really good. Your kicks are amazing.”

She skipped towards my bed and struck a pose. “I’m the kicking master! Just ask Joshy Woshy!” She started cheering and pointing to her imaginary crowd.

“Enough goofing around, training is serious.”

Mom pouted. “Then teach me that move you did on Lizzie this morning.”

I took a few steps forward, spun her, and grabbed her.

“Now you have to stomp on Lizzie’s foot.” She did, slowly. “And then you put your foot behind mine.” She did. “And then you just press your back into me, and Lizzie will go flying to the—”

Mom shoved me hard. Flying towards the doorway, I grasped at the door as I fell in slow motion. Mom kicked my hand out of the air, and I slammed onto my back.

Mom walked over to me and stepped on my stomach. Pain shot through my body. “Wow, that was pretty good, huh?”

“Yeah, although you weren’t supposed to—”

“If I use that move against Lizzie, she’s as good as number 2!”

I tapped mom’s leg. “Okay, you can let me up now.”

“Going to let me go to your—”

“No.”

She stomped. “Going to give me that mass—”

“No.”

She stomped again, and then stood on me. “Well then, you’re not moving.”

It felt like the cuts in my stomach ripped open. I tried rolling out from under her, but the doorway was blocking me, and she hung onto it for balance.

“I won at practice. Now just say you give up before I crush your guts!”

“I give up!” I grabbed her leg and struggled. “Now get off!”

Mom started wiping her feet on me and laughed. “Lizzie said we needed a doormat after I brought in the mail. I think I found one. And he’s a black belt too!”

I tried sitting up, but mom just pressed on my chest and moved both feet next to each other.

“I wouldn’t say no anymore, sensei.” Mom smirked and wiggled her toes. “Are you going to help Lizzie train the self-defense class?”

“Yes! Yes!” I grabbed her legs again, but she kicked my hands away.

“And this one’s really important.” She raised her foot.

“Yes! I’ll give you a stupid massage!”

“Oh, I wasn’t even going to say that.” Mom laughed and lowered her foot a little.

“What were you—”

“If you wanted some ice cream for training me today. But massage works too!”

Mom reached down and took the black belt off my head. “You’re going to be in big trouble for taking this out of her room!”

“But I didn’t—”

Mom stepped on my face as she walked towards Lizzie’s room. “I won’t tell Lizzie. But only if my massage is out of this world!”

Chapter 18

“Go inside and sit on the mats.” Mom tossed the keys in the air, catching them as another woman walked by. “Your sensei was really nice to let us use the dojo for free.”

“Did you hear what he said?” I asked.

“Only because you’re his very best student!”

I gave mom a huge smile. Actually, right after that, he laughed and put his arm around my shoulders and told me I better get at least 5 new signups for the dojo—or else. He then slapped my back and laughed as he walked away to his car. He would probably be training me harder anyway—he always pushed me to do my very best.

I tightened my belt as the last person walked inside. “I bet Lizzie never got that big of a compliment.”

“Well, she’s not the great Joshy Woshy!” Mom pinched my cheek and headed in.

Hopefully no one saw that. How could these women take me seriously as a trainer? She really had to stop embarrassing me like that.

As I walked inside, Lizzie already had groups of 2 punching, kicking, and blocking with each other. Most of them were wearing Egg-Breaker shirts, socks, or yoga pants.

Lizzie clapped. “Everyone!”

Nobody listened, and continued doing their practice.

Lizzie blew the whistle—everyone stopped in place.

“There, that’s better.” Lizzie put the whistle down. “All of you were doing great in your drills. Please go line up against the wall.”

Everyone followed instructions.

“This is Josh.” Lizzie bowed towards me. “He’s going to be helping us train today.”

I tightened my green belt, bowed, and tried to look as cool as possible.

“Now, how many of you were ever attacked?”

A few women raised their hands.

“How many are scared of being attacked?”

A lot more hands were raised.

“It’s natural to be scared, but there’s no need to be in constant fear.” Lizzie walked in the middle of the mats. “One way to feel better is to always be prepared for the worst.”

She reached into a bag, taking out pepper spray and a few other items.

“Thanks to our generous donors, all of you are getting your own little baggies. Grab them on your way out.”

Lots of girls clapped and cheered as mom started placing bags on the table by the door.

Lizzie took out a little rod and extended it. “Do any of you know what this is?”

There were a few murmurs. Lizzie whacked my shoulder with it, and got a lot of giggles.

“This is a mini-nightstick. You can keep it in your purse or on your keychain.” Lizzie hit me again. “Did it hurt?”

“Yes!” I rubbed my shoulder as there were more giggles.

“You see? This is a good weapon.” Lizzie smirked and hit me one more time to get more laughs. “An evil attacker like this one probably wouldn’t expect us to have one of these.”

Mom walked over and took the items from Lizzie—she did a model-walk back to the table as she flamboyantly displayed them.

“So,” Lizzie said, “what are some of the other reasons you wanted to take this class?”

A hot woman with amazing boobs stepped forward. “Well, a few days ago this jerk yelled out I had nice boobs.”

“Yeah.” Rebecca put a hand on her shoulder. “Like my mom said, men are sometimes jerks.”

Wow. I could see where Rebecca got her looks from. They were both wearing egg-breaker yoga pants too, and Rebecca looked even better than I imagined.

Lizzie snapped her fingers in front of my eyes. “Joshy Woshy here was probably thinking those same bad thoughts!”

More giggles from everyone as I turned red.

“While catcalling is bad, it’s not really self-defense.” Lizzie walked in front of me. “Remember, never provoke a fight. But if some jerk said that to you—”

She unleashed a back kick and stopped it right before my groin.

“—an accidental hit in the eggs would work.”

Everyone started giggling and trying to hold back their laughter.

“I’m sorry, I missed that accident,” someone said. “Can you show us again?”

Lizzie laughed, then walked up to me and held my shoulders. “Or you’re in the club, and some guy touches you inappropriately.”

She stopped her knee right before it struck.

“Oops, right in the eggs!”

A lot more giggles as people pointed to the stickman on their shirts and laughed.

“But that’s not the only move you have at your disposal.” Lizzie did the same exact flip from this morning, then started twisting my arm as everyone clapped.

I tapped her leg.

“You can even step on his head if you want.” Lizzie ground her foot into my cheek as everyone laughed.

I tapped her leg again.

“So, how many of you have annoying brothers?” Most of the hands shot up.

“That was awesome!” Fortune-teller girl stepped forward. “I can’t wait to use that on him.”

Lizzie ground her foot in some more. “Well this is my annoying little brother, and it’s fun to teach him his place.”

Mom did a pose on the mat. “It’s fun for me to teach him lessons too!”

Everyone laughed as Lizzie ground her foot in harder.

“Yeah,” Lizzie said, “me and my mom run our household. No evil attackers there!”

“I’ve seen it with my own eyes!” Rebecca walked forward. “Lizzie even taught me a few special moves already!” Rebecca faked a stomp to my groin as everyone burst into laughter.

I felt myself melting as Lizzie finally released my arm. I quickly stood up and tried my best to recover. I should’ve never come here.

Lizzie smirked at me. “Like Reebee said, double-teaming is also a good way to protect yourselves. If you see another woman getting harassed, don’t be afraid to step in and help.”

More chuckles.

Lizzie then had everyone put on the red sparring pads as she taught a lot of the basics—punches and kicks, and an escape move or two, like escaping a bear hug. Everyone’s eyes were as wide as melons, like Lizzie was the coolest person ever. Even mom looked fascinated—maybe she just wasn’t paying attention when I got my green belt, those moves were so much more advanced than this stuff.

Everyone split into groups—me and mom teamed up, and she kept on reminding me of how fun practice was this morning.

Lizzie blew the whistle. “Now you’ll all get to train on a live dummy!”

Everyone clapped and cheered.

“Do we get to kick his eggs?” someone asked, and everyone started giggling.

Lizzie laughed too as she handed me a helmet. “Sadly, no. But you do get to kick him in the giant egg he calls his head!”

I stared down at the helmet in disbelief. This didn’t have anything to do with self-defense training. I pulled Lizzie to the side and whispered in her ear.

“What the hell is this?”

“Do you want me to have them training on your eggs?”

I nodded no.

“Your stomach?”

I nodded again.

“Then get down on all fours.” She shoved the helmet in my stomach. “Or I’m going to have me and Reebee teach everyone about your weakness right in front of the class.”

I turned around and started strapping the helmet on as I saw fortune-teller girl smirking. She held her stomach and gave me the largest grin.

“Excuse me, sensei Lizzie?” Fortune-teller girl stepped forward.

Lizzie nodded.

“I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Okay? You can just go. No need for permission.” Lizzie looked at me and whispered in my ear. “Weird girl.”

“I know.” I finished strapping on my helmet and stood in the center with Lizzie.

“Reebee, can you come here and help me?”

Rebecca skipped over and stood near me.

“So, remember that jerk at the club?” Lizzie bumped up against me and spun me around. “You and your girlfriends are out, having a great time.”

“And he squeezes my melons?” Rebecca grabbed my hands and placed them lightly on her boobs.

“Yes, exactly.”

Rebecca slapped me hard. Lizzie stepped to the side and kicked her foot behind my knee, then kicked the back of my head as I fell, launching me onto all fours.

“Perfect!”

Rebecca stepped on my hands.

“This would be better if you had high heels on—they can cause some serious damage!”

I tried pulling my hands away, but Rebecca ground them under her heels.

“You see? This jerk would think twice about squeezing melons if his fingers are busted.”

Some more giggles as Rebecca twisted back and forth while I tried prying my fingers out.

“Reebee’s mom.” Lizzie pointed. “Do you want to be the first to go?”

“Sure!” She ran up and gave Rebecca a high five.

“First, I want you to give him a light kick in the head.” Lizzie stood behind Rebecca’s mom.

She gave me a light kick.

“Good instincts. But try not to use the top of your foot, there are many weaker bones in there.”

She gave another kick.

“And we don’t want to hurt his big egg.” Lizzie kicked the air and patted her leg. “Use your shin, so the pads protect you.”

I saw a white flash.

“Great! Now while he’s knocked out, nobody would notice if you accidentally walked over his hands.”

Everyone laughed as Rebecca stepped off. I tried standing up, but her mom kicked my stomach.

“Or you can kick him there while he’s down. That works too.”

A searing pain ran through me as I held my side with one hand.

Rebecca’s mom crushed my other hand and bounced a little. “That’s for touching my daughter’s boobs, jerk!”

Everyone laughed as the next girl walked forward.

“Okay, did you see how I taught her?” Lizzie threw another kick in the air.

I saw a white flash.

“Great, you’re a pro!”

I watched my fingers get crushed as the next girl walked up.

I saw white and fell face-first into the mat. My stomach was burning.

“Great! You taught that jerk real good.” My fingers were crushed by the other girl as Lizzie walked over and rubbed my back. “Are you okay? You’re sweating like a pig.”

“My stomach. I think it’s ripped open.”

Lizzie gasped and patted my back. “Go into the bathroom, I’ll meet you in there in a few minutes.”

Lizzie blew the whistle. “Okay, let’s get back to drills. I kicked Joshy Woshy a little too hard in the egg, he needs a breather.”

I rushed as quickly as I could into the locker room. I took off my gi and saw lots of blood—those cleat marks opened again and were leaking through my bandages.

Some of my things fell out when I yanked open my locker. I dug through it and found some fresh bandages, then started taking off my bloody ones.

“Is that what happened behind the bleachers?”

I whipped around—fortune-teller girl was there.

Lizzie burst into the locker room and the fortune-teller slipped out.

“Ouch, that doesn’t look good at all.” Lizzie rushed over and started to help clean me up. “I’m sorry I kicked you so hard. And I’m sorry about last night.”

“It’s okay.” I helped wrap some bandages around. “We just can’t let mom know about this.”

“She would kill us both.”

I nodded.

“And I would lose my money-maker! My business would be ruined before it even started. Did you see those piles of cash?” Lizzie giggled, then continued wrapping. “I’m sorry I stole your $2.”

I nodded as I pinned the bandages together.

Lizzie rubbed my back. “I better get out there before they start suspecting something. I said I needed to go to the bathroom. And mom’s in charge out there, who knows what egg-breaking moves she’s teaching them!”

I picked my gi up off the floor and slowly put it back on as Lizzie left.

As I stuffed everything back into my locker, I picked up a strange piece of paper. I unfolded it, and a picture fell out:

<b>Caught you. Tell anyone, everyone sees.</b>

I picked up the picture and flipped it over:

My pants down and Rebecca rubbing my tent.

I quickly shoved it into my locker and slammed everything closed.

I dashed into the dojo and looked for fortune-teller girl, she was nowhere to be found.

I ran to Rebecca. “Did you see that one girl from the soccer game?”

“Wow, you look as white as a ghost. Did me and my mom hurt your fingers that badly?”

“The girl you saved me from.”

“At the game?”

I nodded.

“She left. Said she wasn’t feeling well, and she got picked up. Is something wrong?”

I took a deep breath. “We’ve got a big—”

“Are you okay?” Mom rubbed my back. “You look as white as a ghost.”

“Lizzie just kicked me too hard.”

She rubbed my back some more. “She was probably just trying to show off in front of all these ladies. Probably meant no harm.”

“I’m in the middle of someth—”

“Come on.” Mom started dragging me away. “Let’s start getting everyone ready to leave. Your sensei said we had to be out of here an hour ago.”

I stood by the door and held out a signup sheet as Lizzie and mom helped hand out bags. A lot of the girls giggled and made bad egg-related jokes at my expense. Two even asked if I disappeared because my eggs broke, and one slapped an egg-sticker on my crotch as they ran outside.

I was only able to get 4 to sign up, but everyone just loved “sensei Lizzie” and wanted to do this again some time.

After everyone else left, Rebecca and her mom were planning a girl’s night out with Lizzie and mom in a few weeks.

I looked down at the sheet and saw a 5th name. I scratched it out and shoved it in my pocket.