Egg Breakers (Chapter 19 - 29)

Chapter 19

The next few weeks went by in the blink of an eye. Sensei was so glad I got 4 signups, but my punishment was I had to help train the newest recruits. It worked out perfectly in the end, because my stomach was able to heal properly without getting hit during karate practice. And every night I was able to practice my breathing techniques, in my room, alone.

When I made it into the kitchen, my eggs were already ready.

“Wow, thanks mo—”

Lizzie flipped the towel over her shoulder and turned around. “Did you just call me mom?”

“No, of course not.” I quickly sat down and started shoveling eggs in my mouth.

Lizzie sat down in mom’s chair.

I stopped chewing and looked at her. “What are—”

“You wanted your mommy this morning, you’ll get one!” Lizzie laughed.

“Stop acting so weird and get in your chair.”

“Fine, but you’ll regret it.” Lizzie shifted chairs. “So how are my eggs?”

“Great.”

“Better than mom’s?”

“I don’t know about that, but these are pretty good.”

Lizzie had a cat-like grin while resting her cheeks in her hands.

I stopped eating. “What did you do?”

“Nothing, just keep eating.”

I dropped the fork and pushed the plate away.

“Guess who’s coming over today?”

“Aliens.”

“Guess again.” Lizzie rested her foot on my chair.

I looked down and saw her wiggling toes. “A zombie.”

“Stop joking around! I’m serious. It’s your imaginary girlfriend.”

“She’s not imaginary.”

“Yes she is, you imagine she likes you.” Lizzie began rubbing her foot on my knee. “It’s going to be a big day today, so eat those eggs.”

“Why?”

“Mom didn’t tell you?”

“Just tell me!”

“Let’s just say, Round 3 is going to happen today.”

I laughed. “You versus mom?”

“And there’s going to be a bigger crowd. Reebee and her mom are coming over.”

I finished my eggs. “Good luck with that. If you hurt mom, she’ll rip your ear off. She’ll be the champ in no time.”

Wow, Rebecca and her hot mom, in this house. I wonder if I’ll be able to get Rebecca alone in my room tonight. I still haven’t had the chance to tell her what happened with the picture. And maybe something else might get to happen too.

“Well, thanks for the eggs. I’m going to practice.”

“Make sure you brush your teeth!”

* * *

I spent most of the day playing video games. Mom and Lizzie were out shopping with Rebecca and her mom, and they would be back any minute. I couldn’t wait to see Lizzie get destroyed by mom.

When I heard a car pull up, I peeked out the window. There was Rebecca and her mom stepping out of the car. Somehow their egg-breaker shirts got even tighter, and the skin-tight pants got tighter too. I gave Rebecca’s blue soccer sock a final sniff, and then hid it in my secret hiding spot.

I laid in bed and continued playing games.

“Joshy, we’re home!” Lizzie yelled from downstairs.

Mom burst into my room. “Why isn’t the table set?”

“I didn’t know.”

“Chicken. Your favorite. Downstairs now.”

I leaped out of bed and rushed downstairs. I ran right by Rebecca and her mom and set up the table, then sat down and started eating.

“Wow,” Rebecca said as she walked in, “you weren’t kidding when you said he loves chicken.”

Everyone else followed and sat down at the table while mom filled a glass and stood by the sink.

“Why aren’t you sitting?” Rebecca’s mom asked.

“Oh, we only have four chairs.” Mom drank some water. “But don’t mind me. Joshy Woshy will be out of here within seconds and I’ll have a free seat.”

“Don’t be silly.” She shifted over and patted the chair. “Just squeeze in next to me!”

Mom got herself a plate and squeezed into the seat, then sat diagonally and rested her feet on my legs.

“Great idea.” Rebecca’s mom copied and tried resting hers on Rebecca’s lap.

“Ew.” Rebecca pushed the feet away. “I’m eating!”

“Josh isn’t complaining.” Her mom looked at me. “You’re a great son.”

Mom laughed. “A great footrest too.”

“You see, mom?” Rebecca said. “That’s why we need to take more karate classes. We could have footrests at home too!”

Lizzie laughed. “Yep, we get to use this one all the time. Massages too!”

“Oh,” Rebecca’s mom said, “a massage would be perfect right now. Although my feet are frozen.”

“Do you need some socks?” Mom pulled her feet off my lap and sat up. “We have lots of pairs upstairs. And while you wait, just rest your feet in the little foot-warmer.”

Mom ran upstairs while Rebecca’s mom peeked under the table. “A sleeping bag?”

Lizzie shrugged. “Joshy Woshy likes to sleep under there sometimes.”

“Wow,” Rebecca laughed, “he really is a footrest!”

I turned a little red as I continued wolfing down chicken.

Mom came back and handed Rebecca’s mom some socks.

She grabbed them and started putting them on. “This sleeping bag foot-warmer you have here is pretty genius.”

“You think that one’s great, you should see the foot-warmer here.” Mom pinched my cheeks.

Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea coming out of my room in the first place. I just ate some more chicken.

Lizzie laughed. “And you wouldn’t believe what happened after that soccer game!”

I kicked her leg and she jumped. She glared at me.

“Well,” Rebecca said, “what happened? Don’t leave us hanging.”

Lizzie didn’t take her eyes off of me. “I meant during practice, we had a fortune-telling business going on. You ask a question, and if his cheeks turn red, it’s true.”

Mom patted Rebecca’s mom on the shoulder. “My sister Nikki came up with that one. She’s amazing at learning the truth.”

“Do you like legs?” Rebecca’s mom rubbed her foot against my leg.

I stopped eating. “Uhh, I guess so.”

Her foot went up higher. “What do you mean, you guess so?”

“… No… not really.” I felt my face turning red as I tried squirming away.

“It’s true.” Rebecca clapped. “You see, mom. His face is as red as a fire engine! You see all those chicken legs on his plate?”

I looked down and saw six chicken leg bones. I laughed. “Oh, ha ha, very funny.”

“Were you thinking of mom’s? Gross!” Lizzie and Rebecca started cracking up.

Mom threw a napkin at her. “Lizzie, stop embarrassing your brother in front of our guests. Although my legs do look amazing in these.”

She got up and struck a pose. Rebecca’s mom laughed and copied. They both rested their feet on the cupboards and stretched their legs, displaying them like they were prizes on a gameshow.

“Whose are better?” Lizzie kicked my leg.

Rebecca gagged. “Please don’t say your mom, that’s gross!”

“Both are—” Lizzie kicked my leg and I jumped. “… I mean… mom’s?”

Lizzie burst out of her chair and paraded around the kitchen with mom.

Rebecca kicked me under the table as I reached over for another piece of chicken.

“Did I miss something?”

“Round 3!” Mom and Lizzie cheered. “Joshy Woshy vs. Reebee and her mom!”

Chapter 20

They made me stay in the kitchen again after I got dressed. At least I was able to eat more chicken while I waited.

A whistle roared in my ear. I flew out of my chair and toppled to the floor.

Lizzie laughed. “Ref Lizzie, at your service!”

I stood up. “You almost made me smash my chicken!”

“A lot more is going to be smashed today.” She laughed as she crossed her eyes and kicked my back lightly, then blew the whistle again. “Get in your corner!”

I ran into the living room as mom began trumpeting. She came downstairs with the trophy, and had a ‘#1 Fan’ shirt on with the little stickman logo in the middle. She kicked her legs out on each step while Rebecca and her mom followed in full karate gear.

Lizzie yanked off my green belt and wrapped it around mom’s head. “That’s for number 1 fans only. Losers don’t get any belts.”

Rebecca laughed and tugged on her yellow belt. “Your mom said this belt is your lucky one? Prepare to be destroyed.”

“And your mom taught me a few kicks.” Rebecca’s mom kicked the air. “She even said they worked against a black belt.”

“Mom likes to exaggerate.” Lizzie laughed. “But my belt looks amazing on you.”

Rebecca’s mom posed. “Thanks. And these outfits we bought today are great.”

“We don’t call it the egg-breaker tournament for nothing!”

Everyone laughed, except for me.

Lizzie stepped into the middle of the ring. “Okay, the rules are, there are no rules! Fight to the death!” She blew the whistle. “But seriously, if I see anything wrong, I’m blowing the whistle. You have to stop the fight or you face penalties.”

Rebecca and her mom practiced a few hits on each other. They dodged and weaved, then struck a pose together.

They both laughed. “Wow, that was even better than we practiced.”

“The entrance is the most important part!” Mom clapped and cheered, then reached for her microphone. “And the crowd loves the new contestants!”

They both started bowing and waving to the crowd.

I felt embarrassed for them.

“And the crowd hates Joshy ‘The Loser’ Woshy.” Mom booed as everyone else laughed.

“They’ll see how much of a loser I am after I destroy these two!” I threw a few lightning-fast punches in their direction.

Lizzie blew her whistle. “Penalty! Entrances are over!”

“What?”

“You heard me,” Lizzie said, “you did your entrance too late. You had your chance.”

“What’s his penalty?” Rebecca laughed.

“He has to let the number 1 fan throw a pillow at him.”

Mom cheered and stood on the couch. “Which foot-pillow do you want, Lizzie’s or mine?”

This was ridiculous. I pointed to Lizzie’s.

“You better watch out.” Mom slapped something onto it. “This one has a couple egg magnets on it.”

All of them laughed.

Lizzie grabbed me from behind like Aunt Nikki and kicked my legs apart. “Okay, he’s ready!”

Mom whipped the pillow and it hit… the ground.

I burst into laughter. “That was the worst pitch I’ve ever seen!”

Everyone booed.

“Looks like the magnets didn’t work.” Lizzie reached down to grab the pillow and launched a back kick.

“Ouch! And the egg magnets worked! He’s on his knees holding his eggs!” Mom cheered as everyone laughed. “Ding ding ding!”

Rebecca and her mom came in quick. I was hurting, but I had to try my best to get away and recover a little.

Every punch they threw I knocked away, and every kick I made sure to counter for maximum impact. They weren’t able to even land a hit.

“And they both are attacking like demons!” Mom stood up on the couch. “There’s no way the loser can win!”

I dodged some more, and made sure to always keep Lizzie in view—I didn’t need the ref interfering in this match like usual.

I threw a one-two punch and knocked both of them in the stomachs.

Lizzie blew the whistle and ran over to me. “Penalty!”

“Impossible,” I said. “That was the most basic of hits!”

Lizzie pointed at both of them holding their stomachs in pain. “Too hard!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you two.”

Mom walked over and smacked me on the forehead. “What are you doing hurting our guests like that?”

Rebecca finished rubbing her stomach. “That hurt a lot more than I expected. It was even worse than getting hit in soccer.”

“So what’s his punishment this time?” Rebecca’s mom asked.

“Remember self-defense training?”

They both nodded.

“How about we do that move again.” Lizzie kicked the back of my knees.

Mom sat on my back, wiggling her butt and laughing. “Wow, comfy seat too! Don’t move and take your penalty like a man.”

Rebecca’s mom took position and kicked my ribs, then stood on both my hands.

Lizzie laughed as Rebecca lined up. “You look pissed. Imagining his stomach’s a big soccer ball?”

“Something like that.” Rebecca aimed her foot, then took a few steps back.

Rebecca launched her foot like a blur into my ribs, I thought they shattered.

I collapsed and got crushed by mom. Rebecca’s mom wiggled her feet on my hands and gave them mini-stomps.

“Have to hurt his hands too.” She pressed her heel in. “I can’t have my stomach be hit like that again.”

“Wow, that was incredible, Reebee!” Lizzie gave her a huge hug. “I’ve never seen anyone kick so hard!”

“That’s what happens with an angry soccer player.” She giggled as she looked down at me and nudged my ribs with her foot. “Sorry about that. Lucky I didn’t have my cleats on, or you’d be in real pain.”

Her mom gave one final twist of her feet and walked into her corner.

Mom used my butt as a step and jumped on the couch. “I think that’s game over!”

Lizzie started counting down quickly. When she reached 2, I stood up.

“And it’s incredible, Joshy Woshy is up!” Mom gave a slow clap. “The crowd is impressed.”

Lizzie walked over and gave me a pat on the back. “Are your ribs okay?”

I nodded even though they hurt like hell.

“Do you want me to call the fight?”

I was breathing super heavy, each breath brought a sharp sting. I nodded. “I’m still going to win.”

“Your funeral.” She shrugged and blew her whistle.

Both of them began attacking simultaneously. I was able to counter most of their moves, but a few landed. My ribs were killing me, and I couldn’t concentrate. My hands weren’t feeling the best either, a throbbing pain shot through them on each hit.

I threw a kick right for Rebecca’s stomach.

“Time out!” Rebecca started panting. “Time out!”

I stopped it in midair.

Rebecca’s mom stomped on my foot and laughed as I took a few steps back. I looked at Lizzie, and she was staring at Rebecca to see what’s wrong.

Rebecca ripped off the top of her gi. “I’m so hot in this thing.”

My jaw almost fell to the ground.

She had on a pink bra, and they were…

My knees jerked closed as I felt pain rocketing through me. I looked down and saw a brown sock wiggling, trapped between my legs.

“Were you just looking at my daughter, jerk!?” Rebecca’s mom was laughing as she hopped on one leg, trying to pry her foot out from between mine as she pushed me down.

I fell face-first into the ground and she slammed on top.

Everyone laughed as they looked at me.

“Did she just get your eggs?” Mom giggled.

Rebecca high-fived her. “Go mom!”

The foot was pried out from between my legs, and then two knees dug into my back. “Rebecca, honey, I think I got him good! Help me pin him!”

Rebecca sat down on my head and ground my cheek into the carpet.

“Hold on!” Mom ran over with a pillow. Rebecca sat up, pillow shoved under my head, and she plopped back down. “And the crowd goes wild!”

Everyone laughed as Lizzie started counting down from 10.

Rebecca and her mom wiggled and slapped my body while laughing.

“These socks had ‘Egg Breaker’ written on them, so I thought I would try them out!” Her knees dug in harder as everyone laughed.

Mom began chanting “Egg Breaker” and pumping up the crowd.

I screamed and jerked around, but I couldn’t budge them. This foot-pillow also smelled like Lizzie’s feet, it was horrendous!

Lizzie reached 1 and stopped. “Is there anything else you want to do before the match is done?”

Rebecca’s mom bounced on my back. “Rebecca, you’ve got to try these socks on.”

I felt some shuffling knees, and then Rebecca’s butt wiggling. They both got off of me as Rebecca’s mom kicked my ribs and rolled me over.

Mom came over and helped lift me up. Both moms held my arms behind my back and forced me to my knees.

“And the crowd goes wild!” Mom laughed and cheered. “You have to show him the bottom of those socks, and do a pose before you do my special move!”

I struggled as Rebecca showed me the sole of each sock and wiggled her toes each time. Then she kicked her feet out and held her crotch each step.

When she reached me, she squeezed her boobs together. She pulled off my yellow belt, and wrapped it around my head while pressing both boobs in my face.

“I guess this was your lucky belt!”

I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. This view was even better than any dream I could ever dream.

She took a few steps back and kicked me with each foot.

If Aunt Nikki’s knee was bad, this was astronomical.

I fell into Lizzie’s foot-pillow and held myself as I heard cheering and celebrating above me.

My ribs were shattered, my hands crushed, and my eggs completely demolished. I groaned into the pillow as I tried to move, but all I could do was breathe in the horrendous scent and hope someone would roll me off of this thing.

My dreams came true when I felt a foot in my ribs.

Rebecca rolled me over and pressed down on my chest.

“Zero!” Lizzie whistled. “And Joshy Woshy is down! Win by broken eggs!”

Her mom placed her foot on my stomach and raised their hands together.

I groaned as I just looked up at Rebecca’s incredible… melons. And her incredible smile. And her incredible… everything.

Lizzie placed her foot on my forehead and gave Rebecca a hug. She held the microphone in Rebecca’s direction.

“It’s customary for the victors to stand on the loser as they give their interview.”

Rebecca stepped right up like a pro. “Come on, mom, it’s easy.”

“You act like you’ve done this before.” Her mom hesitantly pressed a foot in my stomach, then raised her other one. Mom rushed over and helped her balance.

Rebecca wiggled her toes and looked down at me. She booped my nose with her toe and laughed as she almost lost her balance, then she stood back on my chest.

“So, Reebee, how did it feel to break two eggs today?”

“I didn’t know kicking something so small could be so fun!”

Everyone laughed.

Lizzie looked down at me. “Would you say they were pea-sized or grape-sized?”

Everyone burst into laughter as Rebecca shuffled around. “Strange question. Well, compared to a soccer ball, they were the size of a pea.”

“And what would you say?” Lizzie whipped the microphone to Rebecca’s mom.

“I don’t remember.” She looked down and kicked my hands away, then pressed my crotch with her foot. “Grapes.”

All of them laughed again.

“Oh, and look who we have in the crowd today.” Lizzie used my forehead as a step as she went over me. “Egg-Breaker Mom.”

Mom laughed and put one foot between theirs as she pressed in.

“Your shirt says ‘#1 Fan’, do you think they did justice to your signature move?”

Mom ripped the microphone out. “Hell yes!”

All four of them laughed and clapped. Rebecca looked down at me and tweaked my nose again.

Lizzie stepped on my nose. This time she twisted and ground her entire foot on my face.

“So are you excited to get your reward?”

“What is it?” Rebecca’s toes wiggled.

“For losing, he has to kiss every egg-breaker’s foot.”

Rebecca’s mom laughed and almost lost her balance. “You guys seriously made him do that?”

“Do you see what else me and my mom do to him?”

She laughed again. “Well, that would be nice. But can I opt for a massage?”

Mom pressed her foot into me. “Well if she gets one, I get one too!”

“Okay, so it’s decided. Two kisses and two Joshy Massagys for the egg-breakers!” Lizzie wiggled her toes. “He can start with mine!”

I groaned into Lizzie’s foot and turned my head to the side. She crushed it.

“Oh, and I forgot to tell you.” Lizzie ground my cheek in. “Winners sleep in your room tonight. Loser gets the kitchen.”

Chapter 21

I woke up to four feet being shoved into my sleeping bag.

“My feet are freezing since I gave you those socks last night,” Rebecca’s mom said.

“Did you like my special move?” Rebecca asked.

“I bet he loved it a whole lot. The boobs part, not the eggs part.” A freezing foot landed on my cheek. “Oh, this is really warm.”

They both laughed.

A socked foot dug in my nostril, then felt around and poked my eye.

“Ow!”

“Did you hear something?” Rebecca rested her other foot on my neck.

“I didn’t hear anything.” Two frozen feet landed on my cheek and began rubbing. “But whatever you did, it’s really warming up now!”

The sleeping bag tightened around me like a snake. I wiggled around, trying to escape, but all it did was constrict further.

Another toe prodded my eye and rested on my neck.

“Ow!” I tried using my head to push their feet away. “That was my eye!”

“Did you hear something again?” Rebecca’s mom rubbed her feet around.

Rebecca giggled. “Must’ve been the wind.”

The frozen feet rubbed their way down to my mouth. “You know, I never did get that kiss from last night. How was it?”

“It actually tickled. But the socks kept me from feeling much.” Rebecca partially peeled off her sock by scraping her heel against my chin.

“Maybe I should’ve opted for that kiss instead.” Frozen toes wiggled on my lips. “Then I wouldn’t have to be using a foot-warmer.”

I couldn’t believe I was doing this, but if it meant they could let me out before anyone else woke up…

I kissed her foot. It slid down the entire side of my head and rested on the pillow. She placed the other one on my mouth.

I kissed it.

She jammed her heel on my mouth, using her toes to peel Rebecca’s sock off, then rubbed her entire foot down my nose, and began pressing the sock against my lips.

“Did it just get cold in here?” Rebecca poked my eyes again.

I kept my mouth shut, and forced my head to the side.

The freezing foot stomped on my head. “Is that seat uncomfortable? How about you try the one across from me?”

“It does feel a little weird sitting in Lizzie’s seat.”

Two feet left, a chair scraped along the floor, a foot pressed into my groin.

“Oh.” The toes on my face wiggled. “Did you just hit a special button? It’s warming up again!”

Rebecca laughed as I tried prying her foot away. I struggled, but only succeeded in making the sleeping bag tighter.

“Did that door open up yet?”

Rebecca’s mom laughed. “Nope, still closed. Try harder!”

Rebecca stomped. I screamed and was instantly silenced by the sock in my mouth. I groaned and tried getting my hands under Rebecca’s foot. The sleeping bag made it impossible to maneuver.

“Good job closing the door, honey. My feet are feeling warmer already.” Both freezing feet returned to my face.

Rebecca returned to her original seat, then snaked her feet into the sleeping bag again. “Wow, I must’ve turned this thing on super high!”

“Hey Reebee.”

I wiggled and groaned, hoping Lizzie would get me out of here.

“I see you two found the foot-warmer.”

“Lizzie,” Rebecca’s mom said, “this is a fantastic invention.”

“Thanks, I came up with it myself.” I heard cabinets opening and closing. “Was Mission Egg successful?”

The frozen feet ground hard against my head as the other two disappeared. I heard a thunk as two heels landed on the table. Then giggling.

A foot stomped into my groin. “Eggs, anyone?”

Everyone laughed as I groaned into the sock and began breathing heavy.

“No thanks,” Rebecca said, “cereal for both of us.”

“Are you sure you two don’t want some eggs?”

I screamed into the sock, trying to spit it out, but two frozen toes jammed it back in.

“Yep,” Lizzie said, “sounds like he’s got his daily egg all right.”

“Speaking of eggs,” Rebecca’s mom said as she wiggled her toes against my lips, “how do you think Joshy Woshy felt when I kicked his last night?”

“Probably felt nothing. He’s used to it.”

“He is?”

“You’re not the first mom to do it!” Rebecca laughed.

“It’s true,” Lizzie said. “There’s a reason why me and my mom call him ‘The Loser’. He’s lost every single match so far! Broken eggs every time!”

Everyone laughed as I felt myself burning red. I tried wiggling, but it just earned me five stomps.

“Since Mission Egg was successful,” Lizzie said, “are you two excited to get your private self-defense lesson?”

“Of course!” Rebecca and her mom said at the same time.

Rebecca’s mom laughed. “I learned how to deal with jerks better in that one fight than that entire self-defense class.”

“Well,” Rebecca said, “it taught us lots of stuff too.”

Lizzie laughed. “How to win at penalty kicks?”

“I guess that’s true.” Rebecca’s mom pressed her feet harder. “And I would’ve never learned how to accidentally step on things.”

“There’s no need to worry about stepping on the foot-warmer,” Lizzie said as she pressed her foot. “To tell you the truth, it’s just a simple sleeping bag.”

“Oh,” Rebecca said, “I would’ve never known!”

Everyone giggled as I felt more feet grinding into me.

“Good morning, everyone!” mom said.

Everyone said their greetings as I heard the refrigerator open and close.

“No need to make eggs, mom,” Lizzie said. “Looks like Joshy Woshy snuck out of the house last night.”

“Maybe his stomach hurt from eating too many broken eggs.” Everyone laughed. “Well, I’ll go get the mail.”

As soon as the door closed, all feet disappeared. I started to wriggle out, but was kicked in the head.

“Do you guys want to make $100? Play along.”

The entire sleeping bag was lifted and dragged across the floor. The cocoon tightened around me, making it even harder to breathe. When I slammed into the ground, someone kicked my head back in, and I was sealed in darkness as two feet stood on the end of the sleeping bag.

I grunted and tried to spit the sock out, only to be met by multiple kicks.

Another foot stomped on my groin as all three giggled.

“It’s like stomping grapes!”

“You mean peas, mom.”

“They don’t use peas to make wine!”

I groaned into the sock and wiggled around as the door opened.

“Surprise!” Lizzie said.

“You guys, you shouldn’t have.” Two feet stepped right onto my stomach. “Is this what you three were whispering about while we were shopping yesterday?”

“Yep!” All three said at the same time and burst into laughter.

She started wiping her feet all over. “You know what would’ve been a better reward than picking a stinkin’ massage?”

Lizzie chuckled. “A doormat?”

“Exactly!”

All of them started laughing.

“Did Joshy eat breakfast before he left?” Mom began walking in place.

The foot pressed into my groin. “We saw him eat an egg before he left.”

“In the living room,” Lizzie said.

Mom mini-stomped on me.

“Speaking of living room…” Rebecca said. “We’re going to miss our favorite show. Can we please eat breakfast in there?”

“That would be a great idea, honey,” Rebecca’s mom said. “I’ve been waiting all week to see what’s going to happen.”

“Please, mom,” Lizzie said. “Please can we watch while we eat?”

Mom shifted around a little. “Okay, just this once. But only because you all got me this fantastic gift.”

Everyone cheered and shifted around as I got crushed further into the floor.

“Just make sure Josh doesn’t see us. He’s in huge trouble for eating in the living room when I warned him not to!”

* * *

As soon as I heard the coast was clear, I spit the sock out of my mouth. I couldn’t believe that Lizzie manipulated everyone against me.

If only I could get to my room, I could lock my door until this all blew over. There’s no way I could go through the living room with all four of them in there. Maybe if I was quiet enough, I could sneak behind them—they might be too engrossed in their show to notice. Or maybe I could just lay here and hope they decide to leave…

My stomach growled.

I loosened the sleeping bag and pulled myself out. I snuck into the cabinets and stuffed a few energy bars into my pockets. I would probably have to survive the entire day without coming back downstairs.

I tiptoed to the back door, and looked down at the sleeping bag. It was filthy—full of mom’s dirty footprints. I slid it to the side and opened the door as quietly as possible.

I made my way around the house, making sure to duck below the windows. I looked up at my window, and couldn’t believe how impossibly high up it was. I never imagined I would have to sneak into my own house. The only way would be getting myself onto the little roof and making my way through Lizzie’s room.

If she was stuck on the TV downstairs with everyone else, that should be safe.

I quietly lifted one of our outdoor chairs and placed it against the wall. I used it to grab onto the gutter, pulled myself up, then snuck across the roof and made my way to Lizzie’s window.

Please, please don’t be… locked.

I gave the window another tug—didn’t even budge.

I made my way to the other window, and pulled hard—it banged right open.

Idiot! Do you want to get caught?

My heart was beating a million times a second. I shut up and listened for a minute, until I was sure the coast was clear. Probably distracted from the noises on the TV.

I stepped silently into Lizzie’s room, and made sure to bring my other foot in slowly. I turned around, and gently closed the window.

“What are you doing in here?”

I whipped around and saw Rebecca.

I put my finger up to my lips and shushed her. “You’re going to get me cau—”

She smirked. “Sniffing Lizzie’s laundry?”

“Are you crazy? I didn’t even—”

“I was coming from the bathroom, and I saw you doing sniffing like a madman.”

I sped across the carpet and pulled her to the side. “Please, just keep quiet and help me get to my room.”

“What do I get out of this?”

“Anything you—”

“Pull your pants off.”

I took a step back. “Are you cra—”

“Pull your pants off, or I’m screaming.”

“Okay, okay. Let’s not be hasty.”

Rebecca turned to the door, putting her hand up to her mouth.

I yanked her away. “I’ll do it.”

She turned towards me with a huge smirk.

I stepped back and pulled my pants down.

“Which foot do you want to touch you? My bare one? Or the other one?”

I pointed to her bare foot.

She launched her socked foot directly into my groin. “Wrong answer.”

I grabbed my groin, mouth open, but tried my best to not make a single noise. I fell to my knees as silently as possible.

She giggled as she grabbed a dirty sock from Lizzie’s laundry, then glided back to me and rubbed her foot on my hands. “Did you like your yummy egg this morning?”

I looked up at her and nodded no.

She yanked on my hair and rubbed the back of my head. “Now think very carefully about your next answer. Understand?”

I nodded yes.

“Good boy.” She patted my cheeks and scrubbed her foot against my hands. “Move them!”

I moved my hands, and she rubbed her foot against my enormous tent. She flicked it a couple times, and pressed it against my stomach.

“Did you like what happened this morning?”

“What do you—”

She slapped me. I rubbed my cheek and made sure to not make a peep.

“No. I didn’t like being woken up as a footrest.”

“Foot-warmer.” She rubbed my head some more and stared into my eyes.

“Yeah, that.” I sighed. “But I have something important I have to tell you about the bleachers.”

“What about them?”

“Someone caught us.”

“Your cousin?”

I nodded no. “Someone has pictures.”

“Of this?” She pressed her foot into my groin and gave me a kiss.

I pushed her away. “This is serious. I think this person’s going to blackmail us.”

“How did you find out?”

“Someone put a photo in my locker at karate. They told me to tell no one, but they left a—”

“—Heather.”

“How did you—”

Rebecca sighed and took a few steps back. “When you came out of the locker white as a sheet, asking me about the girl that just left. She does anything Heather wants.”

“So what are we going to do—”

“What the hell is this?” Lizzie shoved Rebecca out of the way and kicked me in the balls.

Rebecca grabbed onto the bed before almost falling. “I caught him in here, sniffing on this.”

Lizzie ripped the dirty sock out of her hands and shoved it against my mouth. “Want to eat this like mom’s yummy eggs?”

Before I could answer, it was shoved in.

“You sick freak, I knew you liked to sneak in my room and sniff my dirty laundry.”

“Good thing I caught him.” Rebecca giggled.

I looked with pleading eyes at Rebecca, but she instantly turned on the evil switch as soon as Lizzie appeared.

“Now listen here, you little weasel.” Lizzie flicked my forehead. “Mom and Reebee’s mom want their massage. You’re going to refuse. Then I’m going to offer you a way out. You’ll agree.”

“What’ll you make him do?” Rebecca asked.

“He’ll see.” Lizzie pinched my cheeks. “Nod if you understand.”

Chapter 22

“Look who we found sneaking into his room.”

Lizzie and Rebecca dragged me in front of both moms, who were already laying down, grinding their feet into the foot-pillows.

“Joshua, where were you?”

Lizzie twisted my arm. “I think he was trying to escape his punishment.”

“I think he didn’t want to massage your feet, mom,” Rebecca said.

“Well that’s too bad.” Rebecca’s mom scrunched her toes into the foot-pillow. “He’s going to have to do it anyway.”

“Yeah, she didn’t win that fight for no reason.” Mom wiggled her dirty foot. “And I need mine too.”

Lizzie slapped my back while yanking my arm. “Well it looks like Joshy Woshy here doesn’t want to do it.”

“How about we flip a coin?” Rebecca pulled one out of her pocket. “If he wins, he gets out of massages. But if he loses, all 4 of us get to decide a punishment.”

Rebecca’s mom laughed. “I’m going to make him massage my feet!”

Lizzie pinched my cheek. “I think he agrees. It’s his only chance out.”

Mom looked at me. “Are you sure you want to do that? I might think of something worse than a massage!”

I couldn’t believe these two devils were making me do this. I nodded.

Rebecca spun the coin in front of me. “Are you sure? My mom’s real lucky.”

I nodded again, praying my luck was amazing.

“Hold on,” mom said as she ran to the steps. “Before we flip the coin, I have to get something.”

Rebecca sat down next to her mom, and Lizzie put me into a chokehold. I didn’t resist… I couldn’t resist, or else things would get so much worse.

“Mom, wouldn’t that be great if Lizzie taught us these moves?”

“Isn’t that what Mission Egg was for?” Her mom looked oddly at me. “Does he still have it in his mouth?”

“Something like that.” Rebecca smirked. “Isn’t it nice having peace and quiet?”

Her mom laughed. “Would be nice having some peace and quiet at our house.”

Lizzie bent my arm. “Aren’t you glad I taught you two the shutty uppy move?”

“Yes, very.” Rebecca’s mom grabbed the coin. “Actually, I think I thought of something better than a massage.”

Mom ran downstairs in her karate outfit and a heap of socks, handing a pair to each girl.

“These are lucky. They have ‘Egg Breaker’ written on them. It should tip the luck in our favor, since 3 of us won with those on.”

Rebecca held up her neon yellow socks. “These aren’t the same color.”

Mom waved her away as she put on her brown ones. “That doesn’t matter. The words are what matters. And I have the luckiest pair! Although this one’s wet. Did someone step in soda?”

Lizzie tossed me onto my back and locked my arm, then jammed her foot on my chest and threw her neon green socks on me.

“Put those on me.” She smirked. “Unless you want some cereal a la Jules?”

I struggled putting Lizzie’s socks on with one hand, while mom rushed over and slipped two socks on my feet.

“Okay,” mom said, “now everyone get a foot on the last place loser. That should give us the best of luck, and Joshy Woshy the worst luck.”

Lizzie pressed her foot into me. “So what do you pick?”

“He picks heads!” Rebecca said as she stepped on my head.

“Since his head is just one big egg,” Rebecca’s mom said as she got my stomach. “That’s what Lizzie taught, wasn’t it?”

Everyone laughed.

“And I get the luckiest spot. Sorry Joshy Woshy.” Mom stepped gingerly on my eggs. “We pick tails. Flip the coin!”

Rebecca placed her foot across my eyes. “No peeking.”

I laid there and kept wishing for heads. I needed heads. I really really needed heads. Did they give a rigged coin with two tails? I began breathing rapidly. Lizzie would do something like that, wouldn’t she? I felt myself hyperventilating.

The room became completely silent—like a vacuum sucked all the air out.

I heard a flick, and the coin landing.

“I think it was this carpet,” mom said. “Try over there.”

I heard another flick.

And another.

“Is that a two-headed coin?” Lizzie asked.

“Didn’t you check?” Rebecca shifted her foot.

“Who the hell checks for that?” Lizzie ground her foot into my chest.

And another coin landed in the carpet.

“Does anyone have a nickel?” Rebecca’s mom asked.

I felt some shifting around.

“Here’s a dime,” Rebecca said.

“Make sure you check both sides,” mom said.

“Yep, perfectly normal. Here you go, mom.”

I felt shifting around on me. I jerked around and tried to get out from under them, but mom pressed down hard.

“Stop moving! We didn’t flick the coin yet.” Mom changed to a whisper. “Maybe try the kitchen.”

One foot left me, and I heard the dinging coin, then cursing.

“Are you sure you checked this, Rebecca?” her mom yelled from the kitchen.

“Lizzie, will you go flip the coin for her?” Lizzie’s foot left as mom leaned down and whispered towards me. “Sorry, Rebecca’s mom doesn’t know how to flip a coin.”

Rebecca laughed and wiggled her toes on me.

I couldn’t believe this. Did Lizzie really corrupt everyone so badly?

“Okay, yay, look at what it landed on.” I don’t think I ever heard Lizzie as melancholy before.

“Give that here!” Mom stepped off of me. “Oh, I was using the wrong foot. No wonder it wasn’t working.”

Mom stomped on my groin.

I felt the dime land on my chest.

Everyone clapped and cheered.

Rebecca took her foot off my eyes as Lizzie put the microphone up to mom’s mouth.

“How’s it feel to have won the coin toss?”

“Great! I couldn’t have done it without all my fans cheering me on!” Mom raised her foot and showed me the bottom. “Looks like I broke your luck.”

* * *

Rebecca shoved me against the fridge.

“Open!”

She grimaced as she plucked her panties out of my mouth.

“Imagine if my mom caught you with these in there. What do you think she would do?”

Probably kill me.

“That was one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen.” She kissed my cheek. “I would kiss you on the lips, but ew.”

I tested my jaw. “Did you have to step down so hard?”

“They would’ve known something was up. I had to make it seem real.” She reached down and touched my…

I jumped.

“Just checking they still work. Your mom got you real good!”

I smacked her hand away.

“Now I know she actually did kick you. I just thought Lizzie was lying.”

I felt myself turning completely red. “Could we change the topic please?”

“Don’t want to think about your mom making eggs?” Rebecca giggled. “I thought that was your favorite.”

I wanted to die.

“Is something going on in there?” mom asked.

Rebecca leaned around the corner. “Nope, everything is fine. Joshy Woshy just got distracted by eggs.”

“Are they broken?” Rebecca’s mom asked.

“What do you think?” Lizzie said.

Everyone laughed—except for me.

Rebecca dragged me to the sink and rubbed her foot on my crotch. “Nope, all works.”

I looked down at her neon yellow socks. I think that’s my new favorite color. I gripped the countertop as she rubbed a little more.

“Are you looking under the table? Remember this morning?” She pressed harder.

I grabbed her leg and groaned.

“You better never forget it.”

She stepped away and opened the freezer right as Lizzie turned the corner.

“Mom sent me in here because you two were taking so long.”

Lizzie shoved me out of the way and grabbed a few bowls.

“The winners get Joshy’s favorite ice cream.”

“And the loser gets nothing.” Rebecca chuckled as she pulled the ice cream out.

“Get the spoons.” Lizzie crossed her eyes, then ripped them out of my hands and met Rebecca at the table.

“So your mom really kicks him?”

“Are you surprised?”

“I can’t see my mom doing that to my brother.”

“Maybe she should try!” Lizzie laughed as she scooped more ice cream.

“That would be funny. His eyes would probably pop right out of his head.”

“Well good thing you kept them in.” Lizzie looked at me and smirked.

I turned around and washed my hands. I felt myself melting down the drain.

Lizzie left with two bowls. Rebecca handed me two.

“Isn’t this fun?” She snaked her hand into my crotch and squeezed. I jumped. “Now bring these two bowls to the other room.”

I led with Rebecca right behind.

“Took you long enough.” Rebecca’s mom held out her hands. “Did it melt yet?”

“No.”

“Oh, so now he speaks!” Mom stretched her feet on her pillow. “Maybe you wouldn’t have lost if you spoke before!”

Lizzie smirked. “Too bad he had to face our lucky socks.”

“You mean my lucky socks.” Mom wiggled ‘Breaker’ in my direction.

Rebecca laughed and ate ice cream out of the bowl while I held it. “Wow, I don’t even need to hold my bowl.”

“Great idea!” Mom pointed to the floor. “Loser, get down and become our table!”

I stared at mom, and couldn’t believe what I was hearing as everyone giggled. I pointed to the table that was a few feet in the other direction.

Lizzie smirked. “Reebee, is that what you pick as his punishment?”

“I guess it is.” Rebecca ate another spoon, then pulled the bowl out of my hands. “You heard your mom, get down on the floor!”

I sighed. “This is ridiculous.”

“You know what’s going to be ridiculous?” Lizzie shook her spoon at me. “Your face if you don’t get on the floor right now!”

I got down on all fours in front of them, and felt four bowls rest on my back. I was completely surrounded by four crazies, all clinking their spoons against their bowls.

Mom nudged her foot in my side. “You better stay still and not drop one drop on this carpet!”

“Remember when he smashed that bowl all over your socks?”

“Clumsy Joshy’s lucky that was in the kitchen and not in here, or he’d be eating every last drop off these right now.”

Mom nudged my chin with her foot and I turned my head away.

Rebecca’s mom laughed. “Now that I would like to see!”

“Joshy would love that too much,” Lizzie said. “Plus mom’s socks are pretty clean.”

Mom nudged my chin again. “Doesn’t that sound nice? It’s your favorite food in the whole wide world.”

“Favorite foot too,” Lizzie said.

Everyone laughed. I wanted to sink into the ground as Rebecca’s mom prodded her toe in my stomach.

“Don’t drop anything!”

All the bowls vibrated above me as I shifted my body.

“Stop it!” Rebecca yanked her bowl away. “You almost made my bowl fall.”

“That was the plan.” Rebecca’s mom jammed her toe in some more, but mom placed a hand on her leg and pointed to the carpet.

“Not in here.” She pressed her foot on my cheek. “In here.”

Everyone laughed as I whipped my head away again. I felt Lizzie pressing her spoon in hard to keep her bowl pinned to my back.

Rebecca’s mom launched a kick in my stomach, causing the bowls to bang into each other.

“Score one for mom!” Rebecca laughed. “Have you ever thought of practicing for soccer?”

Rebecca’s mom laughed and kicked me again. “Maybe they should make a soccer team for soccer moms.”

Lizzie snickered as she kept her bowl pinned. She knelt down in front of me, and I stared into her legs.

“I could join too.” Mom launched a kick in my ribs. “Wow, that move is a lot of fun.”

“Isn’t it?” Rebecca laughed as she scraped her spoon in her bowl. “All done.”

Lizzie pinched my cheeks and stared into my eyes. “Well at least that’s one bowl you won’t have to be eating. Aren’t you lucky?”

My stomach and ribs exploded as both moms laughed. I bit my tongue, trying to stay as still as possible.

Lizzie squeezed. “Better not fall.”

My side flashed in pain again. My arms started involuntarily shaking.

“Stop moving!” Mom poked my ribs with her foot. “I can’t finish my ice cream.”

I could hear all 3 bowls clanking against each other while Lizzie squeezed my cheeks harder. She sat up and made sure to grind both knees into each of my fingers, then came back down with a spoon full of ice cream.

“Open wide for the choo choo train!”

I yanked my head away as she moved it closer, making all the train noises. My fingers crushed as she shifted around, keeping the spoon in my view.

All 3 bowls left my back as my stomach exploded in pain.

“And she scores the winning goal!” Rebecca jumped up and down while everyone laughed.

I was on the ground, curling into a ball as best I could. Pain radiated through my entire body.

“Joshua!” Mom rubbed her toe into my nose and smeared a drop of cold stuff onto my cheek. “You got ice cream on the carpet!”

“Oops.” Lizzie made train noises as she wiped her entire spoon on my cheek. “Should’ve opened the tunnel.”

I couldn’t even think straight. Everything radiated in unbearable pain. My entire cheek was painted in cold as multiple feet rubbed around. I groaned into the carpet and curled into a ball when Lizzie finally got off my hands.

“All aboard the choo choo train!”

* * *

Both moms used me as a footrest while they watched their show.

I couldn’t turn my head or the entire sticky-side of my face would rub into the carpet. And every so often, mom would scrape her foot on my cheek and jokingly offer me some more.

“Wow,” Rebecca’s mom said, “that episode was amazing. What did you think?”

Mom clapped. “I can’t believe I always yelled at Lizzie for watching this. This show is great.”

Lizzie pressed her foot in my back. “How’s the Joshy Woshy Express doing?”

I groaned.

“Oh stop being a baby!” Rebecca said. “I kicked you four hours ago.”

Rebecca’s mom prodded my ribs with her foot. “I think it was this side that got him.”

Mom did the same to my chest. “Although did you have to keep jamming your foot into our footrest? I could barely hear the show sometimes.”

“Only during commercials.”

Both moms laughed as they raised their feet.

“Okay, Joshy Woshy,” mom said, “you can get up now and clean your filthy face.”

I rolled over onto my hands and knees and felt two heels land on my back.

“Wow, Footrest 2.0!” Rebecca’s mom laughed as she dug her heels in.

“I’ll have to try that some time.” Mom patted my clean cheek. “Now go clean up, sweetie.”

“He’s not so sweet anymore,” Lizzie said. “More like sticky.”

Everyone laughed as I turned red and made my way to the bathroom.

Half my face was completely raw from grinding into the carpet, and the other half had different color lint and fibers ground into it. After I washed up, I took my shirt off and felt my sides. So many sections were painful to the touch.

I heard a knock.

“Lizzie, go away.”

More knocking.

“I said go away! I’m going to the bathroom!”

More knocking.

I whipped open the door, and Rebecca came bursting in. She closed the door behind her and locked it.

“Sorry I made you eat the ice cream off my sock.”

“Let me guess, you had to blend in?”

Rebecca giggled and ran a finger down my chest.

“Why did you kick me so hard?”

“Sorry, I’m so used to winning matches, I wasn’t thinking.”

“I think my ribs are—”

I winced as she felt my ribs, then she smirked at me as she got down on her hands and knees.

“What are you—”

She jammed her finger in my ribs. “Shut it.”

I bumped into the sink as I squirmed away. She followed me on her knees, and pressed herself against me.

“Pants.”

I looked down, mouth wide open, but pulled my pants down.

“Boxers.”

I hesitated.

“Boxers!” Her finger jammed in my ribs.

I winced and grabbed her hand as I pulled them down with my other.

“Good boy.” She kissed my chest, and then my stomach.

I looked down at her as she peeled off her sticky ice cream sock.

“Open.”

I stared at the neon yellow socks. It didn’t look very neon yellow anymore. It had carpet flakes and who knows what else in there.

“Tunnel! Now!”

I silently screamed as she squeezed my eggs and shoved the sock in.

“Good boy.” She looked down. “Looks like you like it when my mean side comes out to play.”

She leaned forward and pressed her boobs against me, pinning it to my stomach.

“Nod if you like that.”

I nodded like I never nodded before.

She flicked my balls.

I winced, then nodded.

She flicked harder.

I tried closing my legs, but she pressed her boobs in harder. I nodded.

She looked up at me and smirked. “How does the stale ice cream taste?”

I moaned, and nodded.

She laid on her back and pressed her socked foot into my crotch.

“You like that?”

I nodded. She pressed harder.

“Is my sock yummy?”

She pressed harder. I nodded as I groaned and grabbed her foot. She kicked my hand away and stomped.

“Touch me again and you’ll get it worse.”

I curled over her foot as she used her bare one to force me back straight. She dragged that foot down until it reached the other one.

“Now where were we.”

She jammed both into me as she lifted my entire body. I groaned into the sock and gripped the counter trying to prevent myself from falling over—she responded by wiggling her toes.

“Nod!”

My groin was crushed as I nodded and nodded.

She finally let me down and massaged me with her feet.

“Will you let me play soccer with them again?”

I hesitated, and she pressed her heel in. I nodded.

“Good boy.”

She got up on her knees and pressed her boobs against me.

“Now give me my sock.”

I opened my mouth and moaned as the sock fell out.

She yanked it out of the air and began putting it back on her foot. Her movements were vibrating directly through my crotch. She bumped into it a few times, but it felt amazing.

She punched me in the balls, and I collapsed to my knees.

“Stop being a baby. I thought you were a man.” Rebecca giggled as she wiggled her boobs. “Now hurry up, your mom’s waiting for her gift.”

Chapter 23

As I made my way through the living room, everyone was staring at me.

“Oh, perfect,” mom said. “While you’re up, can you get me a glass of water?”

“What took you so long? Were you practicing?” Lizzie laughed.

“Liz,” Rebecca said, “you know he has to throw punches and stomps all the time, even in the bathroom.”

Both of them smirked at each other as I rushed into the kitchen as quickly as possible. I filled up a glass and rushed it back to mom.

“Where’s mine?” Rebecca’s mom wiggled her ‘Breaker’ foot in my direction.

“Sorry, I forgot.” I filled another glass and rushed back.

Rebecca laughed. “I think our moms are really learning how to control him.”

“Just threaten to kick his eggs, and he’ll do anything.” Lizzie chuckled.

“Lizzie,” mom said, “stop teasing your brother. He does it because he loves us.”

“Loves us breaking his eggs!”

Everyone started laughing as I burned red.

“Is there anything else anyone needs?” I asked.

“Yeah, Footrest 2.0,” Lizzie and Rebecca said at the same time. They wiggled their feet in the air and crossed their eyes.

“Are you sure you want to waste your one wish on that?” Rebecca’s mom asked. “We got to use him as a Footrest 1.0 for free!”

Mom laughed. “That’s true. Don’t waste it.”

Lizzie smirked at me. “Me and mom still have our wishes.”

“Punishments, not wishes!” mom said between giggles. “They’re supposed to be awful.”

“Awful for him, wishes for us!”

I just wanted to get out of here, but I knew it would be much worse for me if I did.

Lizzie rushed over to mom and held the microphone out.

“So what sort of horrible punishment has Egg-Breaker Mom come up with?”

“Well first, he has to get out of the way. He’s blocking our TV.” Mom shifted the microphone as I took a few steps to the right.

“That didn’t count!” Rebecca said.

“Of course not, that was an order.” Mom laughed, then leaned into her microphone again. “Does the crowd want Mrs. Nice Breaker?”

Nobody made a peep, so I clapped and cheered as loud as I could.

“Or Mrs. Bad Breaker?”

I almost fell into the TV as all four screamed and cheered.

“Sorry, Joshy Woshy, the crowd always gets what they want!”

Lizzie smirked as she brought the microphone around the room.

“Mrs. New Fan, what do you think mom should do?”

“She’s in her karate outfit, I think she needs to use it!”

Lizzie ran to Rebecca. “And Reebee, what diabolical idea is in your mind?”

“More ice cream?” Rebecca smirked at me.

Lizzie gestured towards me. “And we all know his stupid answer.” She ran back to mom and held the microphone out.

“Actually, he still wasn’t punished for sneaking out of the house.” Mom pulled off her sock. “I had to run outside to look for him, and look at how filthy my feet got!”

“Ew mom,” Lizzie covered her nose, “that’s gross!”

“Doesn’t it look yummy?” Mom laughed and wiggled her toes in my direction.

Lizzie ran up to me and began swinging her fake microphone in my face. I tried knocking it away.

“Don’t those look super yummy, Joshy Woshy?” She laughed, dodging every swing.

“They’re gross!”

I ripped the microphone out of Lizzie’s hands and chased her around the room. Lizzie hurdled over the couch as Rebecca slid out of the way—I followed. Rebecca grabbed my leg, causing me to flip over the back and fall face-first into the carpet.

Rebecca snickered as she let go of my leg and peeked over the couch. “Are you okay?”

I flopped onto my back and groaned as I held my head.

Lizzie placed her foot on my chest and started wiping it on me. “Lucky these aren’t mom’s disgusting feet!”

Everyone laughed as I tried to knock Lizzie’s leg away. She pressed in harder as she dug through my pockets, pulled out an energy bar, and dropped it on the floor.

“What’s going on back there?” mom asked.

“Nothing,” Rebecca said as she giggled, “Lizzie’s just teaching Joshy Woshy a footwipe special.”

Lizzie gave me an evil smirk and stomped on the energy bar, then kicked it under the couch. She winked at Rebecca, then used my stomach as a step to make her way back over the couch.

I made sure to punch her leg as hard as I could, then reached under the couch and grabbed at the energy bar, but my fingers barely pushed it out of reach. I pulled my hand out just in time as mom turned the corner.

“Are you okay, honey?” Mom looked down at me. “It looks like you took quite the spill.”

“It is,” I said, rubbing my head. “Thanks for asking.”

She wiggled her toes. “I put my sock back on. My feet are too filthy to be walking around on my beautiful carpet. I think I’m going to go upstairs and wash them right now.”

“But you can’t go,” Lizzie said, “you still have to pick his punishment!”

Mom placed her ice cream crusted sock on my chest and laughed as she wiped it around a little. “There, I gave him a footwipe special!”

As mom made her way up the steps, I quickly looked under the couch to grab the energy bar—it was gone. The gremlin at work yet again, hopefully it was gone for good just like the other one.

I pulled my hand out and wiped my chest as I sat up.

Lizzie smirked as I stood. “How was mom’s new favorite special?”

I tried smacking the back of her head, but she dodged. “Where is it?”

“Where’s what?” Rebecca giggled.

“You know what!”

“Stop trying to hit your sister,” Rebecca’s mom said. “They were sitting on the couch the entire time you were back there.”

I grumbled and made my way into the kitchen. I pulled the other energy bars out of my pocket and stuck them back in the cabinets. That’s the last time I try to take food out of the kitchen.

I almost jumped out of my skin as I heard the refrigerator open.

“Afraid of little ol’ me?” Rebecca smirked as she grabbed the orange juice.

I pulled her to the side. “Rebecca, what happened with the energy bar?”

“The what?”

I shook her. “Please get rid of it.”

She shoved me against the counter and placed the carton down.

“Don’t you ever touch me like that.” She poked my chest and dug into her pocket, then pulled out her panties. “Want me to use these again?”

I nodded no.

“Then shut it.” She shook them in my face. “Now, I don’t know anything about… what did you call them? Energy bars?”

I nodded.

“Never heard of them.” She smirked, stuffing the panties in her back pocket as she pulled out a glass.

“Rebecca, ple—”

She shot me a glare. I instantly shut up. “Good boy.”

As my stomach fell to the floor, she drank her orange juice. They were going to dangle this in front of me, and mom is going to believe her favorite little devils.

“Now come on,” Rebecca said as she put the glass in the sink. “Me and Lizzie thought of the best punishment yet!”

* * *

Lizzie was parading around the living room, swinging her imaginary microphone around by the cord.

“There’s the loser himself.” She ran over, waving the microphone in my face. “Had to clean your footwipe shirt?”

“No.”

“Wash your mouth from ice cream socks?”

I nodded no as everyone else cackled.

“Wash it from the shutty uppy?”

“What’s that?” mom asked.

Rebecca’s mom patted mom’s leg and smirked at me. “Nothing, just something Lizzie made up while you were upstairs.”

“Sounds fun!” Mom giggled. “What I wouldn’t give to make him shut up sometimes!”

“Do you want mom to do it?” Lizzie jammed the microphone annoyingly close to my face.

I smacked her hand away. “No!”

“Well I could make you, but I won’t.” Lizzie put her finger on her chin. “Now, what could little ol’ Lizzie have planned for my final wish?”

Rebecca laughed. “More ice cream?”

“No, no. He likes that too much.”

“Footrest?” Rebecca’s mom raised her feet in the air.

“No. Too simple. And we could get that any time.” Lizzie looked around the room, and pointed. “Now there’s an idea.”

Everyone stared at where Lizzie was pointing.

“The shoe rack?” mom asked. “What’s that have to do with your wish?”

“Mom,” Lizzie said, “how long have you had those sneakers?”

“Didn’t me and you buy those eight years ago?”

She nodded. “And Rebecca, how long did you have yours for?”

“Well, I’ve worn them for years.” Rebecca giggled. “And always put them on after soccer practice.”

“And I’ve had those flipflops for who knows how long,” Rebecca’s mom said.

“Lizzie,” I said, “you can’t be—”

Lizzie put her finger on my lips. “Did you lose the coin toss?”

I nodded.

“Then shut it.”

Mom laughed. “Was that the shutty uppy?”

“Something like that.” Rebecca smirked at me.

Everyone giggled as Lizzie patted my cheek.

“Now, where was I?” Lizzie walked over to the shoe rack, and picked up a flipflop. She walked back towards me, smacking it against her hand. “Remember the pillow game?”

“How could I forget?” Mom picked up a pillow and crossed her eyes as she giggled.

“I think we should all get to play.”

They all clapped and cheered while I slowly backed my way towards the kitchen.

Lizzie whipped the flipflop as fast as she could. I groaned and held my stomach.

“Too bad I missed my target.” Lizzie shrugged. “But that was only practice.”

“Practice makes perfect!” Mom laughed as she launched the pillow at me.

I knocked it out of the air, and stepped closer towards the kitchen.

Rebecca walked in front of me and picked up the flipflop. “I think we need to keep Joshy Woshy from blocking!”

“How do you plan on doing that?” her mom asked as she caught it.

Rebecca flicked the pillow back to mom. “Didn’t he have some stupid belt or something like that?”

“He does!” Mom clapped as she ran for the steps. “He has his lucky yellow one!”

Rebecca’s mom whipped her flipflop. Luckily I stepped out of the way just in time. It flew way faster than pillows.

The flipflop sailed above my head and landed back on the couch.

Rebecca patted my shoulder. “This is going to be fun, isn’t it?”

“This is horrible. I’m not doing it!”

“Do you want it worse?” Rebecca’s mom wiggled her ‘Egg’ sock in my direction. “I can shutty uppy you right now!”

Everyone laughed at my red face.

“You better stop complaining, or I’ll make it worse.” Lizzie picked up the pillow. “Plus, since you’re such a karate master, you should have no problems dodging and knocking these things away.”

“Think of it like practice.” Rebecca sat on the couch next to her mom. “Really fun practice.”

Mom rushed back down the steps with a handful of belts. She threw them on the couch, and everyone started picking over them like vultures as mom rushed over with my yellow one.

“Hands behind your back!”

“Mom, this is ridic—”

“Not another word.” Mom put her finger on my lips. “This is Lizzie’s wish. You lost the coin toss because of your bad luck. Plus, we’re helping you train.”

She walked behind me and tied my hands behind my back.

“And that’s your lucky belt.” Lizzie smirked. “You’ll probably dodge every single one.”

Mom plopped down next to Rebecca. “Okay, who took Joshy’s green belt?”

“Me!” Rebecca raised her hand and laughed.

Lizzie patted mom’s shoulder. “I think we should all wear our colors on our heads. It would look so cool.”

“Great idea, honey!” Mom plucked a brown belt and wrapped it around her head.

Everyone started wrapping their belts the same.

“We look so cool!” Rebecca’s mom said.

Mom walked to the middle of the floor and struck a pose. They all laughed and did the same.

Rebecca smacked her butt and wiggled it as she winked at me. “Ready to get your butt hurt by four hot girls?”

I stared at Rebecca’s butt, and curled over as my stomach exploded.

“Got him!” Rebecca’s mom laughed. “Come on, Joshy Woshy, you can do better than that.”

Mom walked over to the shoe rack to get more “ammo” as Rebecca flicked the flipflop back.

Lizzie whipped the pillow, and I kicked it out of the air.

“Good job, honey!” Mom dropped the shoes onto the floor in front of them. “I knew my little karate master could do it!”

Rebecca took a few steps back, so she was behind the rest of them, and whipped her sneaker at me.

I jumped out of the way, and it smashed into the wall.

“Hey! Not so hard!” Mom glared at her. “Don’t damage my walls.”

“Sorry.” Rebecca picked up another shoe.

Lizzie tossed her shoe up in the air and caught it. “Maybe if he didn’t wiggle around like a little weasel, your wall would be safe.”

Rebecca’s mom laughed. “Okay, flipflop coming up!”

She whipped it at me. I raised my knee and knocked it out of the air.

“Great job!” Mom raised her shoe, ready to throw it.

“Ew, mom! Stop swinging that thing around!” Lizzie held her nose. “It reeks!”

Mom opened it, sniffed the inside, and shrugged. “Smells normal to me.”

“Because you’re used to it!” Rebecca’s mom sniffed her flipflop. “I’ll probably need new ones too. Look at the dirty footprint on these babies!”

“We’ll have to go shoe shopping.”

Both moms whipped theirs at the same time. I dodged the flipflop but got smashed in the ribs with mom’s sneaker.

“Ouch! Half points for Joshy Woshy!” Lizzie laughed as she threw her sneaker.

It smashed my shoulder.

“More like a third.” Rebecca chuckled as she stood on the couch. “Now dodge this one!”

She threw a slow one. It landed on the carpet, I barely had to lift my foot as it rolled next to me.

“What a clunker.” Rebecca’s mom reached down and grabbed her other flipflop. “You have to make it count.”

She whipped it as hard as she could. I jumped out of the way.

“Great one, Joshy,” mom said. “That one would’ve gotten you in the eggs if you didn’t move.”

Everyone giggled as Rebecca’s mom stomped her foot.

Rebecca smirked at me and began lifting her shirt. I stared at her stomach, and watched the shirt creep slowly up her body. I saw the pink of her bra.

I got hit in the chest. It stung, and I stepped from side to side, trying to stretch my chest out.

“That’s another failure,” mom said. “You didn’t even move that time! Come on, honey, you were doing so good. And my shoe was easy!”

Rebecca’s entire bra was showing. She lobbed her sneaker at me—I didn’t even see or hear where it landed.

She wiggled her butt and started sliding down her pants. She wasn’t wearing panties.

I saw the faintest sign of her…

My vision blurred as I fell to my knees.

“Ouch!” mom said. “Great aim, Lizzie! Right in the eggs!”

“Those egg magnets you put on there really helped!”

Both moms raced over to see if I was okay.

Mom placed the foot-pillow on the floor and slowly pushed me down.

“Honey, are you okay?” Mom rested my head on the pillow.

Rebecca’s mom rubbed my back. “Lizzie sure got you good. You were doing so great up to that point.”

Mom started scratching my head. “You did pretty good. Didn’t he?”

Lizzie walked over, kicking a couple shoes out of her way. “Yeah. Wasn’t that great training I thought of? It wasn’t even punishment.”

“You’ll get your black belt in no time!” Rebecca was fully dressed as she kneeled down next to me.

“Whoa,” Lizzie said, “let’s not get ahead of ourselves, he barely dodged anything.”

Mom rubbed my back and picked up her shoe. “Well, I probably shouldn’t have used the magnets. Those are my secret weapons you know!”

“Mom, I told you, those things reek!” Lizzie knocked it out of her hands. It landed near my face.

Mom nudged it closer to me. “Josh, do they smell?”

I groaned into the pillow and gave it a little sniff. Still smelled like Aunt Nikki.

“You see? He’s not complaining.” Mom continued scratching my back.

“He probably thinks they smell like roses.” Lizzie and Rebecca laughed. “His brain isn’t working correctly right now.”

“Yeah,” Rebecca said, “I think I read somewhere that’s what happens when you get broken eggs.”

A dirty flipflop was shoved in my face.

“What about these babies?”

I whipped my head away, but they followed me.

“Oranges!”

Everyone laughed while Rebecca’s mom stood up.

“Well, I do use orange lotion every day.” She tried to pinch my nose with her toes. “You have a good sense of smell.”

I jerked my head away and tried rolling over, but mom’s knees were blocking me.

“Come on, Joshy Woshy, smell my mom’s foot!” Rebecca giggled as she peeled off her mom’s sock. “Does it smell like oranges too?”

Mom rolled me onto my back and started tickling me. I laughed and tried escaping as the bare foot kept trying to press on my nose.

“I’ll stop tickling when you smell it!”

I stared up at Rebecca’s mom, towering above me. She looked enormous, and I felt like a little ant. She wiggled her toes, then slowly began lowering her foot.

My groin exploded and I gasped, curling directly into her sole. She pushed my head back down.

“Lizzie,” mom said, “what the hell did you do that for?”

Lizzie pressed her foot in harder. “I wanted to make sure he wasn’t faking it this time!”

Rebecca laughed. “This time we know he’s actually smelling her foot.”

The toes curled around my nose, pressing down slightly.

“Still oranges?”

I groaned and nodded as everyone laughed.

As soon as the foot left, a sneaker was pressed on my nose and my groin exploded again.

“Still smell good?” Mom ground the opening of her sneaker down.

I took in a huge sniff.

Lizzie laughed. “I told you, his brain just isn’t working right. Scrambled eggs, scrambled brain.”

Chapter 24

I laid under my covers and practiced a couple breathing drills with Rebecca’s knee-high sock.

I couldn’t believe her and her mom slept here last night. My bed still smelled like them, so I laid in bed long past sunrise, pretending I was in an orange grove soccer field.

Maybe I should sleep downstairs more often when guests come over.

I imagined Rebecca in my bathroom, and stuck one end in my mouth while taking in a huge sniff.

“What’re you doing?”

I froze. I didn’t even hear anyone come in.

“Were you smelling something?”

Lizzie tried yanking on the covers, but I held them down, spit the sock out, and jammed it down below.

“Get the hell out!”

Lizzie pulled harder. “Sniffing mom’s panties now?”

“Stop it. I’m naked!”

“You liar.” Lizzie punched my head, then started pulling again. “Do you have my socks in there?”

Yuck. Absolutely disgusting. “Get out!”

She put me in a chokehold and yanked me off the bed, blanket and all.

“What’re you hiding, weasel?”

I struggled and tried my escape moves, but the blanket made it impossible. I jerked my head back.

Lizzie screamed and let go. “You little shit! That was my nose!”

I flung the blankets off me, only to be met with a kick directly in my crotch.

I collapsed to the floor as Lizzie stomped my cheek.

“I knew you weren’t naked.” Her foot ground harder. “Now what were you sniffing?”

“Mom!”

“You slept in so late, she thought you were dead. Might as well be.”

“Mom!” I grabbed Lizzie’s foot, it only caused her to stomp harder.

“We ate breakfast hours ago. She left.” Lizzie used my cheek and back as a step, and began flipping through my sheets.

I got up on hands and knees.

“Wait til Reebee finds out about this!”

My heart dropped as Lizzie swung the sock around.

“You were sniffing your imaginary girlfriend’s socks?”

“She’s not imaginary!”

“These aren’t even hers.” She gave it a sniff and gagged. “They’re mine.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Remember our little two-on-one self-defense class?” Lizzie kicked my side. “We swapped socks before coming in here.”

“Liar!” I leaped up, trying to snatch it away. “They smell nothing like yours!”

“So you were smelling these.” Lizzie laughed as she shoved them in my nose. “Sniff!”

I jerked my head to the side, but she kept it pinned to my face.

“I said sniff!” Lizzie kicked my ribs and shoved me to the ground.

I sniffed.

“Good weasel.” Lizzie pulled it away and stepped on my nose. “Now smell this.”

I groaned as I turned my head away.

“Sniff it or I’ll be breaking more eggs for breakfast!”

I sniffed.

“Louder!”

I sniffed louder and started gagging.

“Don’t they smell the same?”

I jerked my head out from under her foot as she cackled and nudged my ribs with her toes.

I launched up and grabbed for the sock, only for it to brush my fingers.

“These are going in the laundry.” She kicked my butt, causing me to stumble head-first under my bed.

By the time I ripped my head out, she was spinning the sock in the doorway.

“Did you know Jules is coming over today? We’re going to have a field day with this.”

* * *

I stayed in bed for the next hour. I couldn’t believe it. There’s no way that could’ve been Lizzie’s. They were on Rebecca’s feet the entire time.

I gave my pillows another sniff and gagged—smelled like half-spoiled fruit.

I ripped everything off my bed and made my way to the laundry room. Lizzie was nowhere to be found, and the house was dead-silent.

As I stuffed everything into the washing machine, I spotted something neon yellow out of the corner of my eye.

I picked them up and sniffed them—smelled like Lizzie’s. I gagged.

I picked up a brown one—smelled like oranges.

My brain must’ve been fried from the kick this morning, that’s the only explanation. At least I still had Aunt Nikki’s stashed away, and I know those smell like perfume.

After I ate breakfast and remade my bed—with fresh smelling sheets—I did my daily practice in my room. Today was headbutts, lots and lots of headbutts.

I still laughed at me getting Lizzie right in the nose. If only I didn’t have the blanket on, I could’ve seen her stupid face.

I threw a few more when I heard the door open.

“Joshy Woshy!” Julia yelled from downstairs. “Your imaginary girlfriend is here!”

I rushed out of my room and made my way down the steps, only to be greeted by Lizzie swinging the sock around.

“Here she is!” Lizzie tried shoving it in my face as they both laughed.

“Don’t you want to give her a kiss?”

“Maybe a sniff?”

I smacked Lizzie’s hand away as Julia sat down and pulled off her sneakers.

“We got four more girlfriends for you here.” Julia peeled off her socks.

“While you were in your room practicing—”

“—we practiced soccer all day.”

They both laughed as I made my way towards the kitchen.

“Get Jules a bowl of cereal.”

“Heck, get yourself a bowl too. I know it’s your favorite!”

I could hear them both cackling as I grabbed an orange off the counter and started peeling it by the sink.

An arm reached behind me and plucked half away.

“Thanks, favorite cousin.” Julia shared some with Lizzie.

Lizzie yanked it out of her hands. “When was I downgraded?”

“You weren’t.” Julia grabbed another piece of orange from me. “You didn’t let me finish my sentence.”

I grabbed another orange off the counter and began peeling.

“So,” Lizzie said, “finish your sentence.”

“Too late, you ruined the joke.”

“Did it have to do with eggs?”

“Yep!” They both burst into laughter as Julia took another half.

“Maybe he should get a reward for peeling these oranges for us.”

Julia pinched my cheek. “Would you like a trophy, Joshy Woshy?”

I nodded my head no as she snatched the just-peeled half and threw it to Lizzie. I ripped an apple off the countertop and plopped down in my seat.

“Do you want this flipflop?” Lizzie smirked as she sniffed the orange.

Julia grabbed two oranges and started peeling them. “Flipflop, is that some nickname your mom gave oranges?”

Lizzie smirked at me.

“No,” I said, “they’re just called oranges.”

“Flipflop, flipflop,” Julia said as she juggled them near us. “I could see how they flip and flop between my hands.”

Lizzie continued smirking as she grabbed one out of the air.

Julia sat down across from me. “So, Lizzie tells me you played a new game yesterday?”

“It was training.” Lizzie ate a slice. “I felt bad for him, so I came up with it.”

“What a thoughtful sister.”

I continued eating my apple. Anything I said would make this situation worse.

“It was pretty fun,” Lizzie said. “You know how in movies, they sometimes dodge in slow motion?”

Julia nodded.

“Well he got hit so many times, he wished he could have that power. Joshy Woshy stinks.”

“Did anyone get his…” Julia laughed and crossed her eyes.

“I was aiming for them the entire time!”

They both burst into laughter as I finished my apple. I felt myself turning red.

“It’s true! She got you again!” Julia patted my arm. “You’re lucky I wasn’t there, or you’d probably never be able to have kids again!”

“You should’ve seen everyone’s reaction.”

“What did your mom do?”

“Made him smell her sneaker.”

“She what?” Julia snickered as she touched my arm. “Did you like it?”

“Of course he did!”

They both cracked up as I felt myself burning like the sun.

Julia finished her orange. “Maybe he should get a whiff of mine.”

“He loves to smell imaginary girlfriends.” Lizzie put her feet on the table.

“Do you love these blue knee-high socks?” Julia asked. “They’re just like your girlfriend’s.”

I threw my apple in the trash and made my way towards the door.

“Did you know he really loves soccer? He took $50 to go behind the bleach—”

I stopped in the doorway and whipped around.

“Excuse me!” Julia said. “Private conversation!”

“It was a big misunderstanding,” I said.

“That girl using you as a doormat?”

“Me and Reebee scared her away. She was psycho.” Lizzie sighed and looked at me. “But you took $50 from her?”

Julia shot me a glare. “Yep, and he said she could wipe her eggs off on him.”

“That’s not true!” I ran over to shake Julia.

Lizzie slammed my head on the table and yanked my arm behind my back.

“Why would Jules take $50?” She pulled my arm harder.

“That psycho paid her to look the other way! Stop lying, Julia.”

Julia shrugged. “Not what I remember.”

Lizzie pressed my head into the table. “Are you going to calm down now?”

“Yes! Yes!” It felt like my arm was going to be pulled out of its socket.

Lizzie threw me to the floor and stepped on my back.

“That’s exactly how it was,” Julia said. “Except he put the $50 in his pocket first.”

“Maybe that girl was onto something.” Lizzie laughed. “Remember the sleeping bag?”

Julia nodded.

“I actually made him be mom’s doormat right over there.”

“You see? He probably loved it.”

Lizzie laughed as she stepped off me. “Almost as much as he loves eggs in his mouth.”

I ran for my room as fast as I could as they laughed like never before.

“There better be three imaginary girlfriends left over there or you’ll get broken eggs!”

* * *

Luckily, nobody bothered me the rest of the night. Before mom came home, I rushed down to set the table—we were going to be eating chicken tonight, so everything had to be perfect.

Both devils came walking in together.

Julia rubbed my hair. “Thanks for setting the table.”

“You’re welcome.”

Lizzie giggled. They both gave each other the eyes as they circled around the table. They were up to something.

Julia sat down and stretched her arms while yawning. Lizzie did the same.

Definitely up to something.

“So,” Lizzie said, “what were you doing in your room all day?”

“Nothing special.”

Julia fake yawned. “Are you sure?”

I nodded.

Lizzie copied Julia, then rested her feet on the table. “Wow, am I tired.”

Julia did the same, and they both wiggled their bare feet.

“What’s with you two?” I tried moving my plate away, but Julia pinned it with her heel.

“Aren’t you wondering where your imaginary girlfriends are?” Julia pressed her toes on my hand.

I yanked my hand away. “Don’t care.”

“You should care.” Lizzie lowered her toes onto the edge of my plate and wiggled them. “Would be a shame if mom came home and found a girlfriend hiding in your…”

Both of them pulled the fakest yawn, and started giggling.

I sprinted upstairs and ripped off my sheets. I must’ve spent the next thirty minutes tearing every nook and cranny apart, sniffing every little thing, trying to find a sign of their dreadful “girlfriends.” I looked under my pillow, my bed, in my closet, and even in my secret stash—nothing was touched.

I made my bed nicely and made my way downstairs. I already heard laughter.

“Have a nice nap?” mom asked. “Lizzie and Julia said you just went to sleep not that long ago.”

“We didn’t want to disturb him,” Lizzie said.

“Yeah,” Julia said, “so we set the table as quietly as possible.”

“That’s so nice. You two are so great together.” Mom put some chicken on my plate while Julia and Rebecca smirked.

I felt sick.

Mom placed my plate down and patted my seat. “You’re usually wolfing down the entire bucket already. Are you okay?”

I went into the cabinets to grab a new plate.

“There’s already one here,” Lizzie said.

“Still a little tired from your nappy wappy?” Julia covered her mouth and laughed.

“You guys know how he is, a little cranky after his naps,” mom said. “So stop teasing him.”

I sat back down with my new clean plate, and started digging through the bucket.

“Already made it for you.” Mom waved the full plate in my face.

“Earth to Joshy.” Lizzie giggled.

I ignored them and took out the best pieces, then began eating as Lizzie and Julia’s eyes were as wide as saucers.

Mom placed the plate down near them. “You guys act like you’ve never seen him eat chicken before.”

They both giggled as they pulled food from my old plate.

Something was very fishy. I slowed my eating, but it tasted so good.

“Wow,” Julia said, “back to human speed.”

Lizzie brushed her foot on my leg. I kicked her back.

“So what did you two do today?” mom asked.

“Nothing much.” Lizzie brushed her foot on me again. “We met four new friends while playing soccer today.”

Julia placed an empty chicken bone down. “Yep, but then they disappeared soon after.”

“Josh, did you ever find them?”

Mom touched my arm. “He went to practice with you?”

I continued stuffing my face, trying to ignore the conversation. Lizzie rested her foot on my knee. I shifted my leg, but her sole stuck to me like glue.

“I guess not.” Julia shrugged. “We played soccer for hours, while he was off doing something else.”

Lizzie scrunched her toes. “Maybe he got a new girlfriend.”

Mom clapped. “Joshua getting a girlfriend? When do I meet her?”

“Joshy Woshy getting a girlfriend?” Julia almost fell out of her chair laughing. “Who would date a loser like that?”

“Yeah.” Lizzie slammed her foot into my groin. I dropped my fork while curling into the table. “What if they found out we break his eggs?”

I picked up my fork and tried closing my legs.

“Awww.” Mom held her hands on her heart. “His face is turning all red and he can’t even stop thinking of her.”

Lizzie wiggled her foot back and forth, and then it disappeared.

“Joshy,” Julia said, “you don’t look so good.”

“Do I need to get some water for my little lovebird?” Mom grabbed my glass and refilled it with water.

As soon as mom turned around, I launched the hardest kick into Lizzie’s leg. She almost flew out of her seat, then glared directly through the back of my eyes. I was probably going to pay for that later, but it was so worth it.

Luckily mom turned around just in time and placed my glass down.

“Thank you, mom.” I drank the water in one gulp. “I think I’m done.”

“Not going to tell us about your girlfriend?” mom asked. “Why don’t you invite her for the sleepover?”

“Sleepover?”

“Oh,” Lizzie said, “we didn’t tell you? Jules is sleeping over tonight. Must’ve been while you were making out with your imaginary girlfriend in bed.”

Julia chuckled. “Actually, it was your mom’s bed. Better not have left any evidence in there.”

“My room?” Mom shot a glare as she gripped my ear. “You know my room is off limits, especially when guests are in this house. Maybe I’ll have to start making you sleep in the middle of the living room so someone could watch you all night.”

The two devils laughed. “Great idea, mom.”

“He can sleepover with us,” Julia said. “We’ll be sure to watch him for you.”

I tried twisting out of mom’s grip. I needed to get out of here and find those socks before mom did.

“Can I go brush my teeth now?”

Mom let go of my ear. “You may. But I want you back down here in five minutes.”

Both devils snickered as they gave each other the eyes. “This is going to be the best sleepover ever!”

Chapter 25

I sprinted right by the bathroom and rushed into mom’s room.

I didn’t see anything off, it looked exactly like it always does. I gave the bed a quick sniff, but it smelled fine. I quickly looked under the pillow and sheets, nothing was there.

As soon as I stuck my head under the bed, I knew I found something—I could smell it.

My heart was beating as I stared into the darkness and watched as my hand slipped under. I felt like my fingers were going to get snapped in a mouse trap, except instead of stinky cheese, I would be caught by stinky socks!

My fingers gripped something sticky. I gasped.

I yanked it out and was horrified—mom’s egg breakers were still sticky with ice cream, and they smelled atrocious. Why the hell weren’t these in the laundry?

I started to gag.

“I don’t hear brushing!”

I almost jumped out of my skin as I threw the sock back under the bed.

I whipped out of mom’s room and leaned out of the bathroom doorway. “I’m about to brush now, I just had to go to the bathroom!”

I heard more laughter coming from downstairs. Who knows what they were talking about—probably the sticky trap they just left for me.

I brushed my teeth as quickly as I could and made my way into my room. I laid under my covers and hoped they forgot about everything. Maybe this would all blow over. Julia would sleep over and be gone tomorrow, and my life could go back to normal.

I heard a knock on my doorframe.

“Wake up, sleepyhead,” mom said.

“I’m sleeping.”

Mom sat on the edge of my bed and began scratching my back. “How can you be sleeping if you’re talking to me.”

“Sleeptalking.”

Mom giggled. “Come on, wake up. It’s not every day you see your cousin Julia.”

“I’ve already gotten too much of them in one day.”

“They were both so excited to have you join them for their sleepover, just like old times.”

“They’re probably going to be talking about stupid girl stuff and watch stupid girl movies.”

Mom patted my back and pulled my sheets off my head. “I’ll be sure to order them to do what you want.”

“Not happening.”

“Then I’ll order you!” Mom gave me a stern look and giggled. “Or do I need to turn into Mrs. Bad Breaker?”

I groaned and rolled over, pulling the sheets above my head. “I’ll see Julia next time.”

I felt my bed bounce and compress again as mom sat down on the other side. She ripped the sheets off my head.

“Don’t make me say it twice, or you’re grounded.”

I groaned as I rolled out of bed.

Mom giggled. “Wow, I didn’t know Mrs. Bad Breaker was so persuasive.”

I pulled my sheet out of mom’s hands and made my bed nicely. Mom rubbed my hair and gave it a kiss.

“Don’t forget to bring your pillow!” She yanked the pillow off my bed and tossed it in the doorway.

“Mom, what the hell are you doing?”

“Mrs. Breaker just wanted to do some extra training.” Mom giggled as she stepped on it and ground it into the floor.

I watched my pillow get squished flat.

“Lucky your pillow doesn’t have a black belt on,” mom said as she winked, “or he’d be in real trouble.”

She raised her foot and gave it a stomp.

“Okay girls!” mom yelled out of the door. “Joshy Woshy will be down in a minute!”

I continued staring, with my mouth wide open, as mom marched on my pillow and gave it one final twist.

“Didn’t you tell me practice makes perfect?”

* * *

Lizzie and Julia already were laying down, watching TV, grinding their feet into the foot-pillows. Julia peeked over the couch.

“What took you so long?”

“Yeah,” Lizzie said, “you were supposed to brush your teeth and come right down.”

“We had the movie paused this entire time so you wouldn’t miss a thing.”

Lizzie crossed her eyes. “Did mom find your imaginary girlfriends?”

I walked around the couch as Julia cracked up. “Can one of you sit up?”

“Nope.” Julia flattened herself out even further.

I took a step in Lizzie’s direction, and she did the same.

“Well how are we supposed to watch movies if I can’t sit?”

“Not our problem,” Lizzie said as Julia giggled.

I knew this was going to be the start of one hell of a “sleepover.”

I kicked my feet out from under me and landed right onto Lizzie’s stomach.

Lizzie screamed and punched my ribs. “Get off, you little weasel!”

I wiggled my butt in further and laughed.

Lizzie dug her fingers into my ribs. It hurt, but it only made me laugh more as I bounced as hard as I could on her stomach. She gave me a huge punch on the shoulder.

Julia laughed. “Joshy’s got the comfiest seat in the house.”

Lizzie glared at her and gave me another punch. I gave her another bounce.

“Yep,” I wiggled, “super comfy.”

Lizzie groaned and tried to knee me, so I slid down a little further and pinned her legs.

Julia continued laughing as she started the movie. “Looks like there’s no escape.”

Lizzie sat up and swung a pillow at my head. I smacked it out of her hands and pinned her arms.

“Will you two shut up?” Julia rolled over and picked up the pillow. “You’re ruining the movie.”

I yanked Lizzie’s hands around and began hitting herself with them.

“Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.”

The more furious Lizzie became, the happier I felt.

I bounced again and heard her groan, gave her one final slap, then wiggled my butt and settled in.

Lizzie stopped struggling, so I finally let her arms go. I smirked as I started to watch the movie.

“Finally!” Julia turned down the volume. “Peace and quiet.”

“Can you pass me that pillow, Jules?”

Julia handed her the pillow, which she promptly stuck back under her head.

I sat back and relaxed. “So what movie is this?”

Julia waved her hand in my direction.

“Is this a girly movie?”

Julia shot me a glare, then turned up the volume.

“What genre—”

Lizzie punched me in the balls.

Julia cracked up as I curled over and held myself. “Do they have movies like that?”

“They do now!” Lizzie chuckled as she laid back.

As I rocked back and forth, I couldn’t even concentrate on the movie anymore.

“Why are you making that wheezing noise? Did something get your eggs?”

Julia laughed as she continued messing with the volume.

Lizzie patted my back. I shrugged her away. She punched my shoulder.

“Will you two idiots stay quiet?” Julia threw a pillow at me.

I caught it, placed it on Lizzie’s legs, and slammed back down on it. Lizzie glared at me, then crossed her eyes.

After a while, I finally started feeling a little better and was able to concentrate on the movie. I missed the first few minutes, but usually it’s just boring introduction anyway.

Once we all settled in, it actually was really nice being able to hang out with these two. Reminded me of the old days before Julia moved away, we used to watch movies and sleepover each other’s houses every week.

About halfway through the movie, Julia rolled over and sat up. “Does anyone want popcorn?”

“Me!” I raised my hand and bounced on Lizzie’s stomach as Julia walked towards the kitchen.

Lizzie punched my ribs. “Get off, I need to help her.”

I looked down at her and wiggled a little more on my pillow. I had to savor every second of her misery, but I finally decided to let her up.

She leaped off the couch and rushed into the kitchen.

I settled back down on the couch and heard the microwave turn on, and them whispering about something. If those two devils were plotting something, so would I.

I sat on both their head-pillows and released a long, drawn-out fart. I quickly put them back the way I found them and rushed back to my original seat.

Lizzie and Julia walked into the living room with a bowl of popcorn.

“Mom’s going to kill you two.”

They both sat down on the couch and popped more popcorn into their mouths.

Lizzie chewed with her mouth open. “Who’s going to tell?”

“You?” Julia giggled.

I nodded no, and reached over to get some.

Lizzie punched my hand. “This is only for us.”

“Since you were so rude.”

“When was I rude?” I reached for some popcorn again, but Lizzie smacked me away.

“So,” Julia said while eating some more, “aren’t you wondering where your four girlfriends are?”

“Nope.” I settled back into the couch. “Don’t know, don’t care.”

Lizzie giggled as she ate another fistful. “Wow, this popcorn is so good.”

It really did look and smell amazing. My mouth started watering, but I sat back and crossed my arms, trying to act as uninterested as I could.

Julia started the movie back up. “Is this bowl clean?”

“Yep, no dirt.” Lizzie smirked at me. “If it did, then Joshy Woshy would eat it all up.”

“Like that chicken?”

Lizzie popped another popcorn in her mouth as her smile grew even wider.

“What was with the chicken?” I asked. “I spoiled your plans. Didn’t you see me get a new plate?”

They both continued cackling as they shoveled popcorn into their mouths.

“Did you check the plate before you ate?” Lizzie held her sides and laughed even harder.

I felt my stomach drop through the floor.

“You’re looking a little green,” Julia said.

“When you rushed upstairs, me and Jules rubbed our feet all over it.” They both burst into laughter. “And then we put it back in the cabinet.”

My stomach lurched as the dirt was doing jumping jacks inside my intestines.

Julia almost choked. “Wasn’t that the yummiest chicken you ever ate?”

“With our special foot-spice on it. Joshy’s favorite!”

I ran for the bathroom and made it just in time. I made sure to get every drop of foot-spice out of my system before I curled over and hung my head on the bowl. Time to add another thing to my list I could never eat again.

Who knows how long I was out of commission when Lizzie and Julia came barging into the bathroom.

“Told you we didn’t have to knock.” Julia pushed a glass into my view.

Lizzie knelt down next to me and scratched my back. “Are you feeling okay?”

I grunted into the side of the toilet as Julia nudged the glass closer with her foot.

“Why did you rush out of there so quickly?”

Julia laughed, moving the water closer. “I promise we didn’t step in it this time.”

I grunted as Lizzie continued rubbing my back.

“You know we were just teasing you.”

“Yeah,” Lizzie said. “We actually put the plate right in the dishwasher after you left.”

“We aren’t that gross.” Julia poked my side with her toe.

“Why the hell would you guys joke about that?” I pushed Julia’s leg away and reached for the glass.

“Thought it would be funny.” Julia shrugged.

Lizzie shrugged too. “And it was hilarious.”

“I actually tasted the dirt eating my insides.”

“Are you sure someone didn’t get you in the eggs?” Lizzie began cracking up. “You should’ve been here yesterday, Jules. I stomped on his face and made him put on my green socks and reminded him of—”

“Hilarious.” Julia laughed away as she rubbed my head. “Are you sure you didn’t eat any cereal earlier today?”

I almost threw up in my mouth as I swallowed the rest of the water.

Lizzie rubbed my back and gave it a few pats. “There, all better.”

“Now hurry up, we paused the movie for you.” Julia reached down and gave me a hug. “Sorry for teasing you.”

“Yeah, sorry for teasing you. We didn’t want you to throw up.”

They genuinely sounded sorry.

“It’s okay.” I hugged Julia back, and I was feeling generous, I gave Lizzie a hug too.

As we made our way into the living room, Lizzie and Julia stepped over 3 sleeping bags and sat down on the couch. I made my way around, and laid down on the other one.

“Since you weren’t feeling well,” Lizzie said, “we set up the sleeping bags for you.”

“We even laid extra blankets on the couch.”

“That’s nice,” I said as I curled up underneath one of the blankets. “I think I’m going to be heading to sleep soon.”

“Not until you see this part!” Julia said.

“We know how much you love the endings,” Lizzie said.

Julia raised the remote and pushed play.

It was the best part of any movie! The action hero was running around, destroying bad guys left and right. The entire base was exploding. Blood and guts everywhere as he swung the woman spy around to save her from danger. She hung onto his arm, looking at him dreamily.

The only way this movie could have been better is if it had a karate master in it!

I sat on the edge of my seat as I watched the mayhem happening in front of my eyes.

Both of them got split up, and the woman spy was backing towards a corner. She bumped into a bad guy, whipped around, and kicked him right between the…

Lizzie and Julia both burst into laughter as the bad guy held himself and fell over as his mask fell off—it was the action hero.

“Did you see that?” Julia rewound, then hit play again.

Lizzie cracked up as the spy kicked. “She got him right in the eggs!”

I felt myself sinking into the couch as Julia rewound.

“Don’t you wish you were him?” She pushed play.

Lizzie threw a pillow at me. “I think he’s the one who needs saving after that one!”

They both laughed even harder than before.

I gripped the pillow and kept quiet as I felt myself sinking.

“Great movie,” Julia said.

“The best!” Lizzie laughed as they both crossed their eyes at me.

I sank deeper.

“Well,” Lizzie said, “we’re going to brush our teeth now.”

“Night night!”

Both rushed for the steps, giggling the entire time.

I walked to my sleeping bag, grabbed my pillow, and threw it into the couch. I didn’t want to be smelling mom’s feet all night, but it was better than smelling farts or devils.

I fell asleep to the smell of perfume.

Chapter 26

What’s that rancid smell?

I stretched and knocked my hand into something. I whipped open my eyes—Julia’s feet hanging over the edge of the couch, hovering right above my head.

I rolled off the couch with my pillow, using it as a gas mask as I took in deep breaths of fresh air.

“Morning,” Lizzie said as she stepped over me. “Smelly dreams?”

Lizzie laughed as she sat down on the couch with her legs crossed, eating an orange.

I shot her a glare and spoke as quickly as possible. “Mom’s going to kill you when she smells oranges in here.”

As I shot back down for breath, Lizzie started bouncing her foot in my direction.

“I’ll just tell her Reebee’s mom left your favorite orange-smelling flipflops here.”

I sucked in a deep breath, and shot my head up. “I’ll tell her the real truth.”

“If you tell mom, then I’ll tell Jules what we really made the little weasel do.”

“What’d you make the weasel do?” Julia yawned and rolled over, stretching a hand out to Lizzie.

I glared at Lizzie as she smirked and handed Julia a slice.

“Sweet dreams?” Lizzie asked.

Julia curled and stretched her toes. “Very. You were right.”

“Right about what?” I shot back down to get another breath.

“Lizzie said if I slept on the couch and rested my feet up on the armrests, I would have amazing dreams.”

“And you forgot to shower last night after soccer too,” Lizzie said.

Julia shrugged and reached for another orange. “Can’t smell when you sleep. Didn’t bother me.”

“Didn’t bother me either.” Lizzie looked at me. “Did it bother you?”

I spoke through my gas mask. “It smelled like death!”

Julia laughed and scrunched her toes. “Did not! They smell fine.”

“Then why do I need a gas mask?”

Lizzie tried kicking it away, but I kept it pinned tightly to my face as I rolled towards the TV. She handed Julia the rest of her orange and headed for the kitchen.

“I’ll go grab us another one.”

I shot my head out of my pillow. “Get me one too!”

If all of us were eating in here, maybe mom wouldn’t be so mad. And I did need something to get that horrendous smell out of the air, and there wouldn’t be the smell of amazing eggs until later.

When Lizzie came back in, she tossed Julia an unpeeled orange. I held my hand out, waiting for her to toss me mine, but she just sat back down.

I waved my hand.

Lizzie looked at me. “Did you need something?”

“Hand me that one.”

“This one?” Lizzie lifted it and I nodded. “It’s mine.”

I stuck my head in my pillow and quietly groaned as I took in another deep breath. Why did she always have to cause trouble? Maybe if I acted nice…

I shot my head back up. “Oh great Lizzie, wonderful sister, can you please pass me that orange?”

“Sure,” Lizzie started to peel it, “since you asked so nicely.”

Wow, I didn’t think that would work.

I zoned out and continued breathing in my filtered air as they babbled on about boys or maybe even that stupid show they all watch. No way no how was I listening to one second of that crap.

My stomach growled, and when I looked up, Lizzie was already halfway done eating my orange. I waved my hand again, but they both ignored me.

“When am I getting my orange?”

They both ate a slice at the same time and stared at me like I was an alien.

“There’s no eating in here,” Lizzie said. “You know that.”

I scrunched my fist into my pillow. “You said you would pass—”

“I never said that,” Julia said.

“I was talking to—”

“I’ll tell you what,” Lizzie said. “You toss your little pillow over here so we can have a footrest, and I’ll give you the rest of my orange. Fair trade?”

“I need it to breathe! Not smell your horrendous feet for the next week while I sleep!”

“Oh,” Lizzie said, “if that’s the case, no orange.”

I paused as I tried thinking of the perfect comeback. I felt the veins popping out of my head as I continued giving her my most angry of stares.

“Fucking bitch.”

As soon as the words left my lips, I tried to suck them back into my mouth.

Lizzie and Julia just stared with their mouths open. Julia took another chew and swallowed, then slowly turned her head to see Lizzie’s reaction. Lizzie’s face was fuming as she popped the rest of the orange in her mouth.

“What did you just call me?”

“An orange witch!”

“I thought you did.” Lizzie swallowed the rest of the orange and threw the peel in my direction—it landed on the carpet. “Jules, did you hear what he called me?”

Julia nodded emphatically. “You know your mom’s going to kill him if she found out.”

“Maybe I should get her right now!”

Lizzie leaped up and was already up the second step. I had to do something.

“Stop!”

Lizzie slowly turned on her heel and crossed her arms, staring down at me.

“Please,” I said, lifting my pillow, “I’ll give it to you if you want a footrest. Just please don’t tell mom!”

“Nobody wants your stupid pillow anymore,” Lizzie said as she walked towards me.

“We want a better footrest now,” Julia said.

“Great idea.” Lizzie made her way over and stomped near my pillow. “Move it before I decide to stomp on your little weasel head next.”

Julia giggled and raised her legs high in the air as I started crawling over.

“Faster!”

Lizzie kicked my behind, which made me pick up the pace. As soon as I made it into position, Lizzie placed my pillow on my back and Julia slammed her feet down on it.

“Super comfy, you should try this!” Julia dug her feet in as Lizzie rested her heels on my hair.

“I think I like this spot better, then I can easily…” She knocked my head and pressed her foot down. “Neck straight! If you bend it again, I’m going to make you roll over, then me and Jules would have a great time practicing stomps!”

Julia laughed as she placed her feet on top of Lizzie’s and pushed down. “That would be fun! I know where I would be aiming!”

I tried to keep my neck as stiff as possible. What the hell was wrong with both of them?

“Move that pillow to the back of his head,” Lizzie said.

My neck flung up as all four feet left. A second later, Julia slammed the pillow down, and all four feet smashed down even harder than before.

“There,” Lizzie said, “that’s better.”

“Comfy down there, footrest?”

My neck strained under the pressure as Julia ran her toe down the side of my head and dug it into my ear. I had to concentrate on not moving an inch. I couldn’t give them any excuse to go tell mom what I said.

She pinched my ear with her toes. “Can you hear me!?”

“Yeah.” I moved my head slightly to free my ear, only to get a kick from Lizzie.

“Move again and you’re dead.”

“Did you hear that?” Julia giggled as she pinched my ear again. “Don’t move or you’re dead!”

I grunted. I so wanted to smash both of them as hard as I could and rush upstairs. Then all I would have to do is shove Lizzie into Julia, rush for the steps, and try to reach mom first. Once mom heard the words ‘orange in the living room’, she wouldn’t even listen to any lies they had to say!

Lizzie crossed her feet and pressed her heel down harder. “This footrest sucks.”

“It’s more fun if you play with its ears!” Julia used her second foot to hunt around the side of my head with her big toes.

She pinched my earlobe and I wanted to headbutt her feet away, but I just clawed the carpet as I thought of a plan.

Lizzie thwacked the side of my head with her sole. The pillow fell to the floor as my head flew sideways. Julia gasped.

I stared at the floor and didn’t dare move as Lizzie ground my pillow into dust. I was too afraid to look up and see her face, but I could feel the fury radiating from her legs.

There was silence forever as Lizzie’s toes kneaded my pillow.

“You know what,” she said as she curled her toes, “I think my memory’s coming back. I think I’m going to—”

Now’s my only chance. I rolled away from Julia’s foot and springboarded up and off the couch like a cheetah.

If I looked behind me, the both of them were probably in too much shock, mouths agape, not knowing what to do. But there’s no way I was turning around—never turn around when getting chased by predators, it’ll only slow you down.

I prepared for a cheetah-run the instant my foot touched the bottom step. My hands flung forward as fast as a one-two punch.

I heard a bang and then felt the back of my head explode as I fell face-first into the steps.

“Lizzie!” Julia said. “You almost killed him!”

“I didn’t think it would work that good!”

Julia laughed uproariously. “You threw your mom’s sneakers like a perfect boomerang. Are you part Australian?”

“What was that noise?” mom asked from upstairs.

I was laying on my back at the bottom of the steps, feeling like my entire face was swollen like a blueberry.

“G’day mom!” Lizzie put on her best Australian accent. “Would you like some breakfast?”

Mom peeked her head from the top of the steps. She rushed down as soon as she saw me.

“Oh my gosh, Josh! What happened?”

“Someone put your sneakers on the steps,” Julia said, “and I think he tripped on them.”

“Oh my goodness, honey, I’m so sorry.” Mom stood on the first step, looking down at me. “I think I left those there last night!”

“Do you want us to make breakfast, mom?”

Lizzie and Julia were already in the kitchen doorway. I watched as Lizzie tossed her orange peel in the air and scored it directly into the trash can.

“Are you okay?” Mom nudged my ribs with her toe and I nodded.

“Do you want some orange juice?” Lizzie asked.

“That sounds wonderful, sweetie.” Mom looked down at me and smiled as she sniffed. “I can smell it already!”

Julia popped into the doorway. “Do you want me to go get the mail?”

“No thank you,” mom said. “Since my shoes are already here, I’ll get it.”

Mom stepped on my stomach on her way to the floor, then stood next to me while putting her sneakers on.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

I couldn’t believe she… Did she know I could be severely injured?

Mom walked halfway towards the kitchen and stopped when she saw my pillow on the floor.

“The day didn’t even start and Mrs. Breaker already crushed two black belts.” She stomped on my pillow and took a few micro-steps on it while turning around and giving me a huge smile. “Today’s going to be a great day!”

Chapter 27

“Is my little Joshy Woshy going to find a girlfriend today?”

Mom leaned out the window and kissed my forehead. I instantly wiped it away as I awkwardly tried to balance the cardboard box in one hand.

“Stop it, mom, you’re embarrassing him,” Lizzie said as she placed her giant cooler on the pavement. As soon as she knocked the car door closed, she screamed as loud as she could into cupped hands. “Joshy Massagy ready for business! He’s looking for a girlfriend! Never kissed anyone in his life! Only thing he touches is feet!”

The swarm of soccer girls giggled as I turned as red as the stripe on their outfits.

“Did you really never kiss anyone?” one girl asked.

A different girl pinched my butt. “He’s kind of cute.”

I tried plowing my way through the crowd using my box, but girls already ripped the top open and were picking through it like vultures.

My butt was pinched again by another girl. “Are you sure you only touch disgusting feet? If you massage my neck, I’ll let you kiss my ass.”

“Ew, your ass smells like ass, and we didn’t even practice yet!” Another girl elbowed me in the ribs and yanked the box out of my hands. “And I don’t think Coach Baker would approve.”

“Out of the way!” Rebecca screamed as she plowed her way through.

I felt a couple more pinches and giggles as she dragged me out of there.

“At least let Liz set up!” Rebecca dragged me over to her coach. “Coach, is there anything you can do about this horrible discipline?”

Coach Baker blew her whistle louder than Aunt Nikki.

“Laps!” She blew again. “Laps! Get in the corner and start laps!”

Rebecca elbowed my ribs and gave me a look.

I bowed. “Thank you, coach.”

“This isn’t the dojo.” Rebecca giggled. “Why do you have to be so weird?”

Coach Baker looked down at me and smirked. “I better get a free Joshy Massagy after this one. I just saved you two a lot of work!”

“Did someone say free massage?” Lizzie stuffed some money in her pockets. “If you give me that whistle, you can get all the free massages you want! It worked like a charm.”

Coach Baker laughed and nodded. “This is my most important piece of equipment. It makes anyone listen to my commands. Watch this.”

She blew the whistle and screamed. The gaggle of girls moved around the field left, right, slow, fast, and even backwards.

“Remind you of something?” Lizzie nudged my ribs and laughed.

“Yeah, you reffing our fight,” Rebecca said. “Your outfit was great.”

“Maybe you should wear it next time,” Lizzie said. “I think Joshy Woshy here would love it.”

“He would?”

Rebecca leaned in and gave my cheek a kiss while no one was looking. I didn’t wipe that one away.

“Why are you standing around chatting?” Coach Baker nudged Rebecca’s shoulder and blew her whistle. “Join your team!”

Rebecca gave my hand a squeeze, then ran backwards towards the field.

“Rebecca’s my best player.” Coach Baker fastened the whistle on her shirt. “I can’t have her falling behind.”

“Don’t you wish you were a hot baseball player?” Lizzie pinched my cheeks. “Instead, my brother is just some karate dweeb.”

Coach stifled a little giggle. “Well, I hear he made a great dummy at self-defense.”

“That’s true.” Lizzie pinched my cheek even harder. I smacked her hand away. “You should join us next time at tonight’s class.”

“Maybe I will. But first I need you to clear that stuff out of my parking lot.” Coach blew her whistle. “Sprint!”

Lizzie and me sprinted over to our stuff. Of course she made me carry the one half-stomped and ripped apart. She ran behind me yelling orders, making me set up the entire area on the bleachers. Luckily, barely anyone was in the stands to see her embarrassing me.

As practice went on, Lizzie opened her cooler full of drinks and offered a coupon to every girl who purchased, making sure to tell them all the embarrassing details of my life.

I tried to zone it all out, I would never be able to stop her, so I just stared at Rebecca the entire time.

Lizzie pushed my chin closed. “Your tongue is practically hanging out. Can you be any more obvious?”

“How many of those coupons did you give?”

“Twenty. You have a lot of work ahead of you. But I think most of them were paying me to hear your embarrassing little secrets.” Lizzie laughed as she pinched my cheeks. “Even Reebee’s coach laughed at some of your stories!”

I shoved her and slid further away.

“I think I found a new business—Joshy Woshy’s Dirty Laundry! Maybe they’ll think you clean their socks and panties for them. With your mouth hanging open like that, we might as well put it to some use.”

I threw a bottle right for her face, but she caught it and drank most of it.

“Or maybe Joshy Woshy Recycling. He recycles your old, dirty clothes, almost good as new! He’s so dedicated, he even sleeps with them in his bed! I’ll have to talk to Jules and get her to draw a new sign.”

I tried to watch the field. If I ignored her, things couldn’t get any worse.

Lizzie shifted closer to me. “So, did you hear what the prize is at our next self-defense class? Two tickets to the movies. Maybe Reebee can take out her baseball star boyfriend. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

I grunted.

“What would he think if she played shutty uppy with her panties in your—”

A soccer ball flew over the bleachers. I needed any excuse to get away from Lizzie, so I ran after it.

I hopped the fence and made my way down to the ball, then tossed it back and climbed over. The instant my feet hit the ground, a hand was over my mouth.

“Don’t say a word.”

Rebecca spun me around and gave me a huge kiss. She shoved me against the fence and rubbed her leg between mine.

“Everyone was talking about your embarrassing stories.” She kissed me again. “I couldn’t take it anymore, so I kicked the soccer ball over here.”

“But what if they—”

“Shut up, mister.” She grabbed my hand and placed it on her boob. “Now squeeze!”

I squeezed.

“But Lizzie’s right th—”

She grabbed my crotch. “Squeeze!”

I squeezed as she squeezed even harder. I tried closing my legs, but she pried them apart with her leg.

“Now kiss!”

I leaned forward to give her a kiss, but she kneed me in the balls.

I groaned against the fence as she picked up the soccer ball and turned the corner.

“Got it! It flew over the fence!” She turned towards me and gave me a smirk as she waved the ball. “But I kicked it back over!”

She ran for the field as I tried catching my breath.

I slowly slid down to the ground and thought about what the hell just happened. Before it could even register, Lizzie turned the corner.

“Did you see your imaginary girlfriend come back here?”

I nodded.

“Must’ve been a dream come true for you, but I need you back at the bleachers, practice is almost over!”

“Give me a minute!” I rubbed my finger on my lips.

“Okay, but if you take much longer, I might feel like practicing soccer on you.” Lizzie crossed her eyes. “Now come on, mister!”

Chapter 28

“Ready to kick some eggs?”

All the women kicked to the beat of music as Lizzie made her way around the room, making sure everyone was using the right form. She had everyone split into pairs, holding the pads at crotch level, while she went around slapping a couple egg stickers on each of them.

Instead of helping train in what I do best, they had me putting up a few “motivational” posters Julia drew—all egg-related puns and movie quotes.

Mom came in from outside, following the final group of arrivals.

“And there’s the pair of eggs you’ll be kicking today!” mom told the group of hot soccer girls as she pointed at me. “If you win the prize, maybe you can take him on a date. He’s my son, and he’s looking for a girlfriend.”

One of the girls giggled. “Is it really true he wet the bed last year?”

Mom laughed. “Who told you that one?”

Another girl pointed to Lizzie.

Mom patted my cheeks. “I’m not saying it’s true, but do those red cheeks lie?”

I smacked mom’s hands away and grabbed another poster.

“Come on, honey, enough of that.” Mom yanked the poster out of my hands. “I think everyone already knows how to win the prize by now!”

“You practically told the whole place as they walked in!”

“Well they needed to know where to aim.” Mom pointed to the stickman on the poster. “Right here, in the eggs!”

“Lizzie needs to be teaching real self-defense, not this nonsense.”

Mom threw a kick right for my crotch.

I leaped back a second late—good thing she stopped in midair—then pushed her foot down. “Mom! Are you crazy? I’m not wearing my cup yet.”

“Maybe Mrs. Bad Breaker wanted to win before anyone else got the chance.” Mom rolled up the poster and slid it back in the box. “Do you know how long it’s been since me and dad went out to the movies?”

“Years.”

“I don’t think it’s been that long,” mom said as we both walked towards the lockers. “You know what, I actually think it was that time you wet your bed.”

I looked around and saw those two girls giggling while staring at me. Why did mom have to say that so loud?

Mom touched my shoulder. “Okay, honey, make sure to put on that cup. I still want grandkids someday.”

I headed for the lockers as mom walked towards Rebecca’s coach. Behind me I could hear mom’s laugh as she spoke even louder.

“Did you see me almost win that prize? Imagine how Joshy would feel if I won those tickets.”

I felt my face get even hotter as I rushed into the locker room as fast as possible. This time I searched the entire thing to make sure no one was hiding—fortune-teller girl never showed up after that day, but I could never be too sure.

I took my cup out of my locker and put it on. As I reached into my pants to adjust it, someone grabbed my shoulders and spun me around.

“Hold it, mister!”

Rebecca reached into my pants and tugged at the cup as I tried knocking her arm away.

“You won’t be needing that.”

“What do you mean?”

She shoved me against the locker. “You’re going to let me win.” She squeezed my neck and glared into my eyes. “Lizzie doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to go first. And you’re going to fall down after my first kick.”

I tried pulling her hand away, but she squeezed even harder.

“Here’s the plan. I need to go to the movies with my boyfriend, so I need you to lose.”

I stopped struggling as all my will disappeared. So it was true, she did have some baseball idiot as a boyfriend.

Kneeling in front of me, she yanked my pants down and laughed after she pried the cup off.

“Was it always that tiny? It’s like my pinky.”

I looked down as she breathed on it.

“This is probably the closest a mouth has ever gotten to it.” She leaned in closer and blew cold air as she curled her pinky closed. “Look! It’s shriveling even more!”

I tried to cover myself, but she smacked my hands away.

“You move again and I’ll punch it so hard, you’ll be swollen for a month.”

I breathed all the air out of my lungs and pressed myself against the lockers. What does that baseball idiot have that I don’t have?

Rebecca poked at it and giggled. “If you let me win, I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”

She emphasized each w, making sure to blow more breath acro—

“You see? I knew you would agree.”

She stood up and gave me a long kiss while rubbing her leg between mine.

“Remember, mister,” Rebecca used her upper leg to press it against my body, “you better not let anyone else win. I’ll be sure to make it quick. And just so we’re sure…”

She launched her knee into me and giggled as she took a step back.

I collapsed to my knees, holding myself, when my head slammed into the locker.

“Someone on the team told me you kiss asses.”

I tried turning my head, but my nose felt like it would snap right off as she pressed her foot on my hands.

“Kiss it or I’ll crush your…”

I kissed, causing her to leap a few steps forward and giggle.

“That’ll be our little secret,” she said as she headed for the door. “And remember, you better let me win or else the whole team will know about it.”

* * *

“And there’s the main event!”

Everyone stopped practicing and stared at me as they clapped and cheered.

I waved and bowed every few steps, trying to make the best of it.

Lizzie walked over with a real-life microphone. She covered it as she leaned over.

“Did you forget how to put it on? You’re walking funny.”

“I just… pinched myself. That’s all.”

Lizzie patted my back. “Am I glad I don’t have eggs getting in my way all the time.” She uncovered the microphone. “And in this corner, the one who wishes he was on our famous poster, Mr. Joshy Woshy!”

Mom clapped and screamed louder than everyone else combined. “That’s my son! Isn’t he so handsome?”

“And in this corner…” Lizzie pointed to the line forming on the other side. “… are all the winners from practice!”

Lizzie clapped and pumped up the crowd as I saw Rebecca shove her way to the front.

“You five were the best today, so you all get a chance at the prize.” Lizzie pointed to mom. “Tell them what they’ll win!”

Mom grabbed a poster and bounced to the middle of the room.

“We made a mistake.” She did an overly exaggerated sigh as she pointed to the poster. “It says here you win two movie tickets, but that’s oh so very very wrong… Drumroll please!”

The floor shook like an earthquake as everyone drummed the ground.

“You win two tickets every week for a year!”

Everyone cheered as Lizzie made her way back to the middle.

“Even better than you guys expected, huh?” Lizzie nudged my shoulder. “So, we all know what the rules are. This criminal is trying to steal your prize. First one to get him down wins!”

Rebecca smirked at me as she stepped forward, but Lizzie pressed her back into line.

“And our guest contestant tonight gets the first hit!” Lizzie pointed to Coach Baker.

Rebecca’s eyes opened wide while the crowd cheered as coach danced her way in front of me.

“I love the movies,” Coach Baker said as she spun around and struck a pose while slapping her butt.

Lizzie made her way to the middle of the ring and spoke into the microphone.

“Is this the first time you’ve ever kicked a guy?”

“Of course not! I kick balls for a living!”

Everyone laughed as I felt myself deflating—just like Rebecca’s pinky.

“One time, I even kicked so hard I broke a guy’s cup. Let’s hope I break my second one today!”

My legs started shaking. Was she serious? I felt my kids disappearing before my eyes.

Mom ran over and ripped the microphone out of Lizzie’s hand. “Be careful with my Joshy Woshy! It’s hard, but not that hard!”

Everyone began laughing and pointing at my crotch. I didn’t know if it could shrivel any smaller.

Mom stood there, perplexed, until it finally hit her. “Oh no, I didn’t mean his… Me and Lizzie would never kick… I meant his cup!”

Coach Baker grabbed the microphone. “I promise I won’t break your son’s… cup.”

Everyone laughed even harder. I tried to stare into space and imagine this wasn’t happening. I only needed to survive this one kick and make it to Rebecca.

Mom played tug-of-war over the microphone until Lizzie ripped it away.

“What my mom was trying to say is, your opponents will probably be hard.” Lizzie pointed at my crotch as even more giggles happened. “So be sure to kick your hardest!”

The crowd started chanting “Coach Breaker” as she did a little dance.

Coach Baker stepped towards me and held her crotch as she leaned over. All the girls laughed. “You’ll be okay if Lizzie and her practice on you all the time! Your mom was telling me all about it.”

I only saw a blur.

I jumped in the air and expected the most pain I’ve ever felt in my life, but it never came. I looked down and saw her foot lightly press into my crotch.

She leaped backwards and held herself, rolling on the ground with her hands between her legs. Everyone laughed.

“She kicked him so hard she hurt herself!” Lizzie ran over and helped lift coach up. “Everyone give three cheers for Coach Breaker!”

I wiped my forehead and looked for Rebecca.

Lizzie laughed while she carried the coach on her shoulder and pointed to the line. “Perfect, you guys got in order already. We’re going worst to best!”

Rebecca’s jaw dropped the same time as mine.

“We can’t have him falling down on the very first kick!”

Rebecca was shoved around as the line reformed around her, placing her in the very back. I didn’t even know if I would be able to survive the kicks—and I’m betting none of these are going to be fake.

Coach Baker grabbed my arms and locked them behind me, then whispered in my ear.

“Why didn’t you put a cup on?”

I stuttered as I tried to think of something to say.

“Did you forget it at home?”

I nodded.

“Horrible day to forget it.” She waved and bowed towards the crowd. “All these girls were talking about was winning those tickets and kicking you as hard as possible. Do you want me to cancel this? I’m sure Lizzie would understand.”

I’m sure she wouldn’t. I nodded my head no.

“Such a shame, it seems like you have a nice package.” She leaned in a little closer. “I’ll come check in on you in the locker room after. Make sure everything works.”

I felt my eyes bulge out of my head as the first girl lined up.

“And Mr. Criminal is looking scared,” Lizzie said into her microphone. “He doesn’t want to give away those tickets he stole!”

The girl lined up and gave me a hard kick. I felt my knees buckling, but Coach Baker held me up.

“Fantastic technique.” Lizzie patted her on the back. “But not good enough. Next!”

Coach Baker whispered in my ear again. “Are you still okay?”

I nodded. Maybe I should just fall on the next kick, Rebecca be damned.

The second girl lined up. Her foot flew up, but smashed my inner leg.

“How did you make it to this round?” Lizzie ran over to the poster on the wall and pointed. “His eggs are located here!”

Everyone giggled as the third girl came up.

“I know where eggs are,” she said. “I practice kicking them all the time.”

Coach leaned in. “She does, every few weeks the team tells me about another boy she ‘accidentally’ kicked.”

Maybe I should take her up on the offer to cancel. Before I could say anything, my legs buckled closed.

“Ouch! And she really is an expert egg kicker,” Lizzie said. “And look at how Joshy Woshy is acting. But he’s wearing a hard cup, it doesn’t hurt him that bad.”

The third girl smirked as she skipped her way back to the line.

“Do you want me to let go of your arms?”

I nodded no.

“She’s already telling them all about your… situation.”

I looked over and saw her whispering to Rebecca and the next girl. Rebecca was arguing and trying to shove her way forward.

“Now now, Reebee, wait your turn!” Lizzie ran over and broke them up. She dragged the next girl to the middle and held the microphone out. “Is there anything you would like to say?”

“Byebye eggs!”

Everyone laughed, even coach.

The girl smirked as she whispered something in Lizzie’s ear. Lizzie grinned like a cat as her eyes zoomed in on my pants.

She slowly picked up the microphone. “She just asked me if it’s okay to knee instead. What does the crowd say?”

The noise was deafening. Even mom was laughing and having a great time.

“And the crowd says yes!”

Lizzie peeled an egg sticker off and held it in the air, pumping up the crowd like she was in a gladiator ring, then finally slapped it on the girl’s knee.

The girl galloped over and put her hands on my shoulders.

“Don’t do it too hard,” Coach Baker said, “his cup got knocked loose.”

“No it didn’t.” She launched her knee faster than a rocket.

My arms ripped out as my legs flew out from under me. My face smashed the ground as I dry heaved into the mats.

Everyone swarmed and carried her up on their shoulders as Rebecca began a shouting match with Lizzie.

Mom and Coach Baker kneeled by me, rubbing my back as I felt like my entire body was flipped inside-out.

“Are you okay, honey?” Mom scratched my head. “That was one hell of a knee.”

“I think I should bring him into the locker room to see if he’s okay.”

“Have you dealt with this injury before?” mom asked. “Maybe me or Lizzie can go back there with you.”

“Do you know how embarrassed guys are when this happens? And it’s bad enough when a female checks on them.”

“I guess you’re right, it would be a little hard around us.” Mom stifled a giggle. “Sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to laugh. At least let me help you get him to the lockers.”

As we made it to the locker room, Rebecca and Lizzie fell in the middle of the mats, screaming and pulling each other’s hair. Mom dropped me off, then rushed back to settle the commotion in the dojo. We could hear the screaming from in here.

“Wonder what that was about?” coach asked. “It looked serious.”

I shrugged as I opened my legs a little, trying to lessen my aching pain. I couldn’t waste time thinking about Lizzie’s stupid problems while my future generations were at stake.

“I know this is a little embarrassing,” coach said as she gave my pants a tug, “but I have to check if you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.” I tried to push her hand away, but she easily overpowered me. “I just need to rest.”

“I’m not taking no for an answer. I can’t have someone get permanently injured on my watch.” She pulled at my pants again. “I knew I should’ve just canceled the instant my foot confirmed it.”

I stumbled backwards against the wall. My entire body was thumping in pain.

She took a few steps closer. “You can’t get away from me, and I’m not taking no for an answer. I have to visually inspect them.”

“Fine!”

She kneeled down in front of me. “Now I know this is embarrassing, but just try to think of something else. Think of the doctor’s office.”

I stared at the ceiling.

“Do you want to pull them down or should I?”

If I tried to lean over, I would probably crack my head open. It was hard enough trying to stand, even with the wall’s help.

The air felt freezing as she giggled.

“Well at least we know that works. Now I have to…”

She prodded around for a while. I winced when she gave them a squeeze.

“Did that hurt that badly? I barely cupped them.”

My legs snapped closed as I flung my head to see what she was doing.

“Now that was a squeeze. So you still have feeling. That’s good.”

“Are you sure you’ve done this before?”

“I coach a girls’ soccer team. They don’t have eggs.” She giggled. “Or would you rather have your mom or sister come in here and squeeze them? I can call them for you.”

“No no! It’s okay.”

“That’s what I thought.”

I stared back at the ceiling.

“So, do I get a little Joshy Massagy after this for making sure you’re okay?”

How the hell could she be thinking of massages at a time like this?

I shrugged. “I guess so.”

I jumped as I felt something soft press on my…

“Looks like it’s working fine.” She moved her sole up and pressed it into my stomach.

I stared down and saw her second socked foot heading straight for—

She giggled as I grunted in pain, then prodded her toe in lightly. “Still a little sensitive?”

This was the first time I noticed she was still wearing her soccer uniform.

“Sorry it’s a little sweaty from practice, but it looks like you don’t mind.”

I looked at the outfit again, trying to erase Rebecca from my mind. Why did she have to have that dumb baseball idiot as a boyfriend?

I looked down at coach’s face as she laid on her back, but it slowly morphed into Rebecca’s. I blinked, then stared back up at the ceiling and couldn’t help but think of what Rebecca did to me in the bathroom.

“First time with an older woman?”

My crotch felt like it was being slowly painted in sweat. It felt disgusting, but amazing at the same time.

I groaned when she pressed her heel in.

“Sounds like you’re getting better.” She pressed her feet in different locations. “Before you couldn’t even take a touch!”

“Did you really break someone’s cup?”

“Want to find out?”

Before I could even answer, my balls exploded as I was lifted up.

“Wow, you like it even better than I thought! It only took one stomp to get you to squirt.”

She wiped her face and licked her finger as she lowered me to the ground. I slid onto the floor, groaning, as she slipped off her socks and used them to wipe me down.

“Good news is, everything still works.”

My entire body still ached with every little movement, but I started pulling my pants back up.

“Bad news is, I don’t know what to do with these.”

“I’ll take them,” I said as I took the socks out of her hand. “I can hide them in my locker and get rid of them later.”

“I bet you will.”

As I opened my locker to hide the evidence, she pulled out my cup and smirked as she waved it at me.

“Forgot it?”

“Long story…”

Chapter 29

“She’s dead to me! I never want to talk to her again!”

Lizzie must’ve been going on for a straight half-hour rant already. I needed something to drown out this noise.

“Can you turn up the music?” I asked.

Lizzie smacked mom’s hand when she reached for the volume. “I’m not done!”

“Yes you are, enough about Rebecca.” Mom playfully shoved Lizzie’s arm, then stared at me in the rear-view mirror. “Did any soon-to-be girlfriends give you their numbers today?”

“No, no numbers.” My fingers slid along the edge of a card Coach Baker stuck in my pocket. “No, none at all.”

Lizzie spun around and glared directly at me. “It’s all your fault I’m losing my best friend.”

“How is it my fault?”

“You couldn’t have just taken one little knee without falling?”

Mom adjusted the volume knob. “It’s not his fault, Coach Baker said the cup wasn’t designed to—”

“What the heck does she know?”

“Maybe we should’ve tested how hard it was beforehand.”

Lizzie couldn’t help but snicker as she spun around in her seat. “Your little cup probably couldn’t get hard any more after today.”

“Lizzie!” Mom smacked her arm again. “No more talking about his—”

“Peas?”

Mom chuckled while looking in the mirror. “Are your peas doing okay?”

It wasn’t hurting as much if my mind was elsewhere, but now that they kept bringing it up…

“They’re hurting,” I said, “probably need ice when I get home.”

“Better yet, the bag of frozen peas!” Lizzie said as she held her fingers out and laughed. “Remember when Aunt Nikki was here and stuck those in his crotch?”

“Of course I remember,” mom said. “I even kept them pinned with my foot.”

“You did what!?”

I felt myself turning red. I couldn’t even believe mom said that out loud.

“I didn’t want the bag to fall out of place for my Joshy Woshy while he ate his breakfast, so I—”

“Pressed peas into his peas?” Lizzie turned around as both of them cracked up.

“I guess you could say that,” mom said. “Josh didn’t seem to mind, isn’t that right?”

I shifted in my seat. “Can we change the subject please?”

“What, it’s hard thinking about mom’s foot on your—”

“Lizzie, stop teasing him. Of course it’s hard.”

Lizzie burst into laughter while mom looked perplexed again.

“Joshy probably just can’t think right now because of the pain. Don’t worry, sweetie, when we get home you can use the frozen peas.”

Lizzie stifled a giggle. “Just make sure mom doesn’t sit across from you.”

“Why not? I’ll hold it in place for him!”

I groaned out loud. “Can we change the subject please?”

“Okay okay,” mom said. “Enough about his broken peas.”

Lizzie laughed. “So, mom, what did you talk about with Coach Breaker?”

“Baker,” I said, caressing the card. “It’s Coach Baker.”

“That’s what I said.”

“Well,” mom turned the volume down, “she was telling me how great of a job you two did at practice.”

Lizzie took some money out of her pocket and began counting it. “Right after you pulled away, I already made $200.”

Mom high-fived Lizzie. “And the cooler of drinks I came up with?”

“Sold like hotcakes,” Lizzie said, “especially when I added the secret ingredient. Isn’t that right, Joshy Woshy?”

I leaned forward and smacked her arm, but instantly regretted it as my groin radiated in pain.

“It’s okay, honey. Just a few more blocks.” Mom reached back and rubbed my knee. “How much did you make from telling his embarrassing stories?”

“Probably another hundred.”

“Another hundred!?” Mom almost swerved off the road. “No wonder I couldn’t get him a girlfriend tonight, you ruined all his chances! One of the cute girls even asked me about him wetting the bed last year.”

Lizzie cracked up. “And what did you say?”

“I didn’t tell them anything,” mom said as she looked in the mirror. “Your secrets are safe with me. Although your red face did probably give it away.”

Both of them laughed as I just imagined how much slower this car ride could go. Did they lower the speed limit on these roads? Maybe if I dove out, I might bounce and land in the grass and not get that injured. Anything would be better than this.

“Although now that I know I could make money telling stories about your childhood, I might have to start coming to games with you two!”

“That would be great, mom,” Lizzie said, “then we could have more spa money.”

“What do I need a spa for when I have my very own Joshy Massagy?” Mom touched my knee again. “I was on my feet all day buying supplies for you two. Maybe when we get home, we can watch TV while you give me one of your world-famous foot massages.”

“And instead of a foot-pillow, you can use the bag of frozen peas!”

Mom clapped and almost swerved into our mailbox. “That sounds fantastic!”

I sprinted for the front door the instant we stopped, almost dropping my keys in the grass.

“Looks like he’s not even injured,” Lizzie said.

“Probably thinking hard about my magic foot massage.”

Both of them continued cackling as I flung the door open and ran upstairs.

* * *

Coach Baker’s card felt like I was holding a priceless artifact between my fingers. I delicately ran my fingers across the edge and leaned in close. It was my first chance looking at it without mom or Lizzie seeing:

‘Call me if you want to have a ball—C.B.’

She wrote her number on it and sealed it with a kiss.

Flipping it to see if there was anything else, I jumped when I heard footsteps in the hallway. I yanked open my secret stash and threw the card in there just in time.

“What are you doing up here? Don’t you remember my massage?”

“Not tonight, mom.” I turned around and tried to act as unsuspicious as possible. “I’m not feeling it.”

“I know you’re not feeling my sore feetsies, that’s why I need you downstairs!” Mom dove onto my bed and crumpled my pillow under her head. “Or we can do it here if you like.”

“I just want to sleep. I had a long day, and my… stuff… hurts.”

“It’ll be hurting a lot more if you don’t give me my massage.” Mom thrust her foot in the air. “If you don’t, Mrs. Bad Breaker might just happen to visit you in your sleep!”

I stared in disbelief as she chuckled. “You wouldn’t do that.”

“I know I wouldn’t.” Mom kicked again. “But Mrs. Bad Breaker would!”

“I’m going to brush my teeth.” That was the only excuse I could think of right now that would work on mom 100%, but I had to think of something else fast.

“Don’t brush too good, because my alter ego might just make you eat your own eggs!”

Mom threw the pillow right for my crotch and I punched it out of the air, making it land back on my bed. When I reached for it, she slammed her feet on it and scrunched her toes.

“Get those hands away from that.” Mom kicked my fingers lightly. “If you’re not downstairs and sitting on the couch in a few minutes, this’ll become my new permanent foot-pillow.”

I could survive without a pillow.

“Or maybe if you skip the brushing, Mrs. Good Breaker will see you down there and I’ll even make you a bowl of ice cream.”

“I can eat it in the living room?”

“Of course.” Mom rolled off the bed. “And you won’t even have to eat it off my dirty socks.”

“Gee thanks.”

Mom sprung off the bed and pinched my cheek as she looked down at me. “So we have a deal?”

I couldn’t say no to ice cream… and how bad could one quick massage be?

* * *

“What are you doing in there? Getting peas for your peas?”

I could hear Lizzie’s cackling from the living room as I closed the freezer and made myself a bowl of ice cream.

“I told Joshy Woshy he could eat a bowl of his favorite food in here.”

“You what!? Is he eating it off your dirty socks?”

Mom giggled. “No, but if he drops anything in here, he’ll be eating my socks for a week! And these need a good cleaning, I’ve been wearing them for a couple of days.”

I placed the bowl on top of the frozen peas and stared at the mountain of ice cream—it looked incredible.

Lizzie rolled onto her stomach. “We could make his mouth a laundromat and charge money for it!”

“Would people really pay for that?”

“Of course they would!” Lizzie smirked at me as I sat down. “Maybe Joshy Woshy would even pay them for the privilege.”

Mom laughed and scrunched her toes in the carpet as I savored the first spoon of incredible ice cream.

“Look,” Lizzie said, “he’s nearly orgasming about the thought already!”

“How much would you pay me to clean my socks?” Mom rested her foot on my leg.

“None.” I ate another spoon.

She scrunched her toes. “What about my yoga pants?”

“None.”

“Favorite socks?”

“None!”

“Panties?”

“That’s disgusting, mom.” Lizzie rolled over and gave me the angriest glare. “Some disgusting, despicable, horrendous, no-good so-called—”

Mom groaned. “Enough about Rebecca already. How did that even come up?”

Lizzie’s stare became even more intense, and I could see my ice cream melting faster, so I ate another four scoops.

“Wow, honey, slow down!” Mom wiggled her toes on my leg. “Are you that excited for the main event?”

I ate more heaping scoops as I tried to ignore them—I needed to savor every moment of this.

“He just can’t wait for your magic foot!”

Both of them laughed as mom leaned over and reached for the peas.

“Honey,” mom said, “can you lift that bowl so I can prep my foot-pillow?”

“Are you seriously going to stick it there?” Lizzie rolled over and sat up. “I can’t miss this!”

I finished my bowl of ice cream with a couple clinks of my spoon.

“So what’ll it be?” Mom asked. “Foot-peas or foot-pillow?”

As I leaned over to put the bowl on the table, Lizzie rolled off the couch and snatched the peas in one swift motion, launching them into my crotch. I dropped the bowl as my hands flew in, but Lizzie caught it at the last second.

“Foot-peas it is!” Mom laughed, using her foot to press me back into the couch.

Lizzie kneeled in front of me and stared. “Should I grab the camera?”

“For what?”

“How often do I see my brother giving his mom a wonderful massage?”

Mom rubbed my shoulder with her other foot. “Or maybe it’s his stupendous mom giving her injured son a massage!”

“I’m sure he loves it.” Lizzie smirked at me and pinched my leg.

“Are those frozen peas making you feel better?”

I nodded. “Probably would’ve been better if Lizzie never threw it.”

“But where’s the fun in that?” Lizzie leaned back on her hands.

“Yeah,” mom said, “why didn’t you dodge it?”

“Like you did our shoes!”

Mom laughed. “He did do an amazing job dodging and knocking those out of the air.”

“Maybe there was some egg magnets on the bag.”

Mom used her feet to lift and inspect it. “Nope, no magnets.”

Lizzie pointed at my crotch. “It’s a huge wet spot!”

“You’re right! It’s like a repeat from a year ago.” Mom couldn’t help but laugh as she dropped the peas in place. “I’ll cover that for you.”

I groaned and curled over.

“Did mom get your sensitive spot?”

“Of course it’s sensitive,” mom said, “his cup took a couple of huge hits today.”

Lizzie smirked. “Did you see the one Coach Breaker did?”

“I was there. Didn’t you hear me cheering?” Mom nodded and pressed her heel into the peas. “Massage.”

I massaged mom’s foot as she flexed her toes. The peas actually weren’t that bad, and the freezing cold did make some of the ache go away.

“Who was your favorite kicker today?” mom asked. “Was it the really cute one that put you down?”

“Why would that be my favorite?” I groaned as mom shifted her feet around.

“Because you probably can’t get her off your mind for the next few days.”

“Yeah,” Lizzie said, “you’ll probably be thinking about that knee for the rest of your life! You’re probably in love!”

“My Joshy Woshy… in love?” Mom held her hands to her cheeks and pressed her foot down a little. “We have to make sure you get back to 100% so you can ask her out!”

“Mom’s magic foot can help.” Lizzie smirked and leaned in closer. “Mom, I think you missed a spot.”

Mom prodded her toes in the peas and squished my… I groaned.

“Whoops, sorry honey, it’s hard to tell the peas from your own peas.”

Lizzie cracked up. “Are they that tiny?”

Mom laughed and switched feet, thrusting her wet sock into my hands. “I don’t know how big they are now, the last time I saw him naked was when he was just a—”

“Mom!” I squeezed her foot. “Can we please change the topic? Why does everything have to be about my—”

“Eggs?” Both of them laughed, and then laughed even harder when they noticed they said it at the same exact time.

“Yeah, that.” I stopped massaging.

“We just want to make sure you’re okay!” Mom pulled her foot out of my hands and rested it on my leg. “And we need to make sure Lizzie becomes an aunty.”

“That’s why mom keeps trying to find you a girlfriend.” Lizzie touched her foot to my leg and I kicked it away.

“I don’t need help,” I said, “I’m doing just fine.”

“Maybe we have to tell the girls his lap is very comfy.”

“Great idea, Lizzie. Although it’s not as comfy as his face.” Mom scrunched her toes. “We could even tell them we have firsthand experience.”

Lizzie rested her heel on my knee and wiggled her toes. “Want me to tell them you massage all four of our feet?”

“No!” I smacked her foot away, but she just slammed it back in place.

“Six,” mom said.

“Huh?” Lizzie rested her other foot on the couch between my legs.

“You forgot, he also massaged Aunt Nikki’s feet.”

I needed to get out of here, but I was pinned on all sides. “Can I go brush my teeth now? I’m very tired.”

“Why?” Lizzie pushed her foot forward and patted the peas. “You don’t want us to get you a girlfriend?”

“No!” I smacked her foot away, but she pressed in harder.

“Lizzie, stop holding his peas in place!” Mom laughed. “He can’t get up.”

“Of course it can’t get up, it’s probably frozen and shriveled like a little—”

Mom couldn’t stop laughing. “I should get his baby pictures. If I show them his cute little butt, there’s no way they couldn’t date him!”

“You’ll have grandkids in no time!” Lizzie gave the peas a little stomp.

I groaned and tried to throw Lizzie’s foot away, but it was already gone. I pressed the peas in gently as I stood up.

“So the peas didn’t help? I guess I didn’t use my magic foot enough,” mom said. “It’s okay, Coach Baker said everything still works, it’ll just take some time for you to get back to normal.”

“Maybe Coach Breaker can tell us a couple of single girls on the team, maybe she hears rumors about who likes Joshy Woshy!”

“Doesn’t your friend Re—”

Lizzie smacked mom’s leg hard and scowled. “I told you not to speak that name ever again.”

“But she seems to—”

“That stupid idiot already has a boyfriend. And I’ll make sure they stay a million miles away from Josh.” She glared at me. “If I see you even looking in that thing’s direction, you’re going to pay.”

I gulped. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Lizzie that angry before.

“Well,” mom said, “one look at those baby pictures and she’ll drop that boyfriend like a lead balloon.”

Lizzie stormed over to the steps. “I mean it, mom. I’ll kick you right in the crotch if you mention that despicable thing again.”

Mom shrugged as Lizzie glared at me. “Wouldn’t hurt. It’s not like I even have—”

“Eggs?” Lizzie stabbed her finger towards me. “And if you even think about her, I’ll make sure you wouldn’t even have any peas left for mom to press!”